The title of my talk was, “You’ve Been Scienced: Communicating Military Science and Technology with Social Media”. I would love to know your thoughts unless they aren’t complimentary.

Yes, I came across this portrait of our 40th President at the very end of the White House tour, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t destiny.

Armed and Scientific

By Dan Frankel
Published Oct 1, 2009 8:00 AM

Did you know the Navy is going green? That the Army is working with industry and academia on an advanced battery that will power, among other things, tanks? Or how atomic timekeeping works? You would if you listened to “Armed With Science: Research and Applications for the Modern Military,” a weekly audio webcast that the U.S. Department of Defense launched in January at blogtalkradio.com/ArmedwithScience.

Hosted by neuroscientist Dr. John Ohab Ph.D. ‘07, the show features one-on-one interviews with scientists from a wide variety of government agencies discussing everything from electronic warfare to drug abuse in the military. A new media guru with his own weekly podcast, and nearly 2,400 followers on Twitter, Ohab’s mission is to make the broad topic of science accessible to the broader population.

“We’re primarily going after the non-science audience, people who have an interest in science but no science training,” he explains. “What it all goes back to is communication and information sharing. People say scientists can’t communicate. People say government can’t communicate. By and large that’s not true; we just speak different languages.”

Meanwhile, the program also serves the mandate of making the Pentagon more open and accessible to the tax-paying public. “People think of the Department of Defense as guns and missiles and tanks, and to some extent that’s true, but this is a great opportunity to understand the breadth of science operating within the federal government and to understand how it impacts society,” says Ohab.

Meanwhile, the peripatetic scientist/podcast personality is also fascinated by the ongoing media revolution, using just about every social networking tool he can find to expand his show’s audience. Besides his social network activity, Ohab seeks to expand on the “Armed With Science” dialog through his personal blog, and a key voice for the Science Cheerleader, a web-based media platform that, like Ohab’s podcasts, aims to make science more fun and understandable to wider audience. In fact, some of the questions Ohab asks his scientist guests originate among his Twitter followers.

“We’re sort of on the forefront,” he concludes. “To do something that no one else in the government is doing, that is to host a radio program that discusses controversial topics that have implications for our national security, is pretty neat.”

“Drug Free is the Key” for the Defense Department during Red Ribbon Week, which runs from Oct 25-31, 2009. The week is meant to higlight the Department’s effort to raise public awareness and mobilize communities to combat tobacco, alcohol and drug use among military personnel, civilians and families.

I had the opportunity to help spread the word by contributing to The Sara Bellum Blog,  part of a larger effort by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) to provide information to teenagers on the science of addiction.  Now, in addition to facts on how drugs can affect one’s body and resources for teachers, you can also find my article, “Are You Good To Go?,” and a cartoonishly enormous picture of my head. Thanks to Dr. Bioephemera for her help in setting up the collaboration.

Click here to read the article.  I think you will be compelled to rate it 5 stars. (seriously, do it)

Last week, David Meerman Scott, marketing guru and author of “The New Rules of Marketing and PR,” visited the Pentagon to discuss the importance of social media in the Defense Department’s communications arsenal.  He spent two hours with the All Services Social Media Council, comprised of people from across the Department (ten points if you can find my forehead), and led a very interesting discussion about social media strategy and brand journalism.

I had the opportunity to chat with David during a 30-minute car ride, and I couldn’t help but detail all of the social media strategies we use to operate Armed with Science, the Defense Department’s weekly science podcast.  He was so impressed with our efforts to provide meaningful information about science and technology through social media that he even mentioned us in a blog entry, Brand Journalism in US Military Humanizes Large Organization.

Click here to read it.

Hooray! October is Energy Awareness Month, a national effort to empower citizens to reshape the energy economy and be part of the solution to climate change. This year’s theme, “A Sustainable Energy Future; Putting All the Pieces Together”, encourages everyone to see themselves as a piece of the much larger puzzle that includes efforts from the Federal Government, private industry, and the general public.

While scientists and engineers are working to solve many of our energy challenges, there are steps that each of us can take now to lower our emissions while reducing energy and waste disposal costs. For example, the Environmental Protection Agency’s Personal Emissions Calculator can help you measure your own carbon footprint and then take action. The Department of Energy provides an array of low- or no-cost methods specifically geared towards homeowners who want to save energy without compromising their comfort. Google’s Energy Saver Gadget optimizes your computer’s power management settings. The Database of State Incentives for Renewables and Effiency offers a map of utility programs that provide incentives for those who invest in energy efficiency. You can also help by simply spreading the word and making your friends and family aware of their energy consumption.

If protecting the environment, conserving natural resources, saving taxpayer dollars, and creating a better world for our children is not enough incentive, how about a chance to meet The President of the United States? Oh yes!

Last week, President Obama announced the SAVE (Securing Americans Value and Efficiency) Award, which challenges Federal employees to submit practical, environmental-friendly ways of improving government efficiency and savings. Do you have a innovative idea for preserving light bulbs at government facilities? Or how about a brilliant method for reducing the cost of air conditioning?  You have until October 14, 2009, to submit your ideas for consideration in the fiscal year 2011 Budget. In November, the winner will have the opportunity to present his or her idea to President Obama himself. Stay tuned for news on whether you will also be drinking beers with him.

I’ll return with more Energy Awareness Month reports throughout the next few weeks, including some behind-the-scenes video interviews with speakers, sponsors, and others attending the four-part energy event, The Road to the New Energy Economy. I’m energized — are you?

This Pentagon Channel report investigates whether neuroimaging techniques can be used to detect deception. Dr. Bhatt previously appeared as a guest on the weekly science and technology podcast, “Armed with Science: Research and Applications for the Modern Military”. The report also features my award-winning acting skills and demonstrates the razor-sharp wit and decision-making savvy required to answer personal questions under pressure.

Dr. Bhatt: Were you born in 1980?
John: Yes.

Virtually no hesitation.

In 2008, Vivek Kundra, then-Chief Technology Officer for Washington, D.C, was looking for innovative ways to use information technology to improve the city’s government. He looked no further than its citizens.

Kundra created a public contest called Apps for Democracy, which challenged citizens to create their own software applications using DC government data and popular products like iPhones and Google Maps. For years, the DC Data Catalogue had provided public data on crime, construction projects, and government operations. Apps for Democracy rewarded citizens that could think one step further and develop the most cost-effective, accessible ways of re-packaging this data for use by the general public and the government.

The city invested roughly $50,000 in Apps for Democracy, and in just 30 days, produced 47 software applications with an estimated savings of $2,300,000. The effort was so successful it even spawned a follow-up, Apps for Democracy: Community Edition, which asked citizens to develop applications for submitting online requests for city services.

Through Apps for Democracy, Kundra established a new model for cross-sector collaboration by engaging citizens to meet the technology challenges of tomorrow. It was participatory government in its purest form. And, apparently, President Barack Obama was paying attention – in May 2009, he named Kundra the country’s first Federal Chief Information Officer and charged him with “directing the policy and strategic planning of federal information technology investments”.

As a critical player in President Obama’s Open Government Initiative, Kundra has focused his efforts on increasing public participation in government and improving the availability of government information. One of the first initiatives is Data.gov, a website that provides free access to over 100,000 machine-readable datasets, widgets, RSS feeds, and other data tools held by the Federal government. This collection includes valuable data on an array topics that impacts our lives, from financial numbers to transportation statistics to the FBI’s Most Wanted List. And the numbers will only grow as geographical, weather, and other scientific data is opened for public consumption.

The data by itself is not particularly useful. The real value comes when citizens evaluate and repurpose this data into “mashups” — applications that combine different data sources together to create an entirely new product. To unlock some of this potential, Sunlight Labs took a page out of Vivek Kundra’s book and held their own contest, Apps for America: The Data.gov Challenge. On Tuesday, they announced three winners: DataMasher allows users to build mashups of state information and visualize them in different ways; GovPulse allows users to filter and act on information from the Federal Registry, the government’s official daily publication for rules, proposed rules, and notices; and, ThisWeKnow combines nationwide data to provide information about your favorite city or region.

The Data.gov and Apps for Democracy efforts indicate that the government is starting to think differently about how it uses the Internets to share information and provide more opportunities for citizens to participate in their democracy. Take advantage of this new approach. If you’re a software developer with an innovative idea, check out Data.gov and let the ScienceCheerleader team know if you create your own Data.gov mashup. And, if you don’t have the necessary computer programming skills (i.e., me), you can still contribute by suggesting data sets that you would like to see, rating and commenting on existing data, and suggesting improvements to the website.

Awesome: This morning, I attended the Pentagon Force Protection Agency’s “Urban Shield” Operational Response test. The test was conducted to improve the operational response of emergency personnel to an outdoor airborne biological attack and to evaluate the effectiveness of various personnel decontamination procedures. Test volunteers were positioned at locations inside and outside of the Pentagon, and a single release of a biological particulate tracer material, referred to as garden powder, occured along a nearby access road. Post-release, volunteers were transported to a decontamination station near the Pentagon Navy Annex, where test volunteers underwent surface sampling to evaluate their exposure to the particulate tracer followed by one of two water-based decontamination protocols. Post-decontamination, volunteers underwent another round of surface sampling to evaluate removal of the particulate tracer.

Awesomer: The event marked a rare opportunity to break one of the forbidden laws of the Pentagon grounds: no photography.

Let’s talk about the reasons that your family is getting hit by cars and start with the fact that they’re looking into the sky when crossing the street.

After a satisfying 4-2 regular season, Change You Can Bocce was dominated by its milk chocolate-colored opponent, BB Chocolate, 16-8 in the first round of the playoffs. It was bad, folks. Real bad. NBA Finals Game 1, Lakers vs. Magic bad. And, we were the Magic, except nobody on our team was rocking the Stan Van Gundy mustache and only three of us can two-handed windmill dunk a basketball.

There are a number of reasons that could explain our rapid fall from grace. Maybe it was the unpredictable regular season schedule. Maybe it was The Captain’s inability to convince teammates to actually wear their $40 Teal uniforms during match play. Maybe we shouldn’t have discontinued our rigorous pre-game partner stretching routine. Maybe we should have given she-who-has-not-been-nicknamed a suitable nickname to go along with Dr. Clutch, The Captain, The Enforcer, The Beast, Mr. Awesome, An-HUGE and Unkle Unkool. Only time will teal.

I would like to formally apologize to our sponsors–though, it was your decision to sign us to a heavily front-loaded contract–and to the DC Bocce League for our embarrasing performance. We realize this means you will have to cancel the rest of the Spring Bocce playoffs, forfeit many nights of enjoyment at the Pour House, and delay the championship trophy presentation until next season when we return to form.

Unteal next season… Change You Can Bocce OUT!

I’m proud to announce the first episode in an original video series that I’m producing for Science Cheerleader.com, a blog that promotes public involvement in science and builds awareness around important science policy issues. The project took shape this March when I met Science Cheerleader at the South by Southwest Interactive conference in Austin. After her panel, Back Off Man, I’m a Scientist: User-Generated Discovery, we discussed a number of possibilities for creatively engaging her audience and encouraging them to participate in science projects, including a video series that would “show by doing”.

In each episode, I will be taking part in local citizen science projects, interviewing volunteers and project administrators, and reporting back on my experiences. Armed with a bottom-tier HD camcorder, whichever friend I can con into holding the camera, and virtually no audio/visual editing skills, I hope to demonstrate first-hand just how easy and fun science can be. Am I up to the challenge?

This first adventure with Casey Trees relied entirely on the steady camera work of Jackie Marks, several hours of audio/visual production training providing by my Uncle Rob, and the glorious music of Princess Ladyfriend. It was a true team effort, and I think we did a great job representing Casey Trees and their efforts to restore and protect the Washington DC tree canopy.

Science Cheerleader has quite a web presence. You can find her on ScienceCheerleader.com, Twitter, and her Facebook group, Open the OTA with Citizen Input, which is part of a larger effort to encourage Congress to reopen the Office of Technology Assessment.

Infectious diseases, gene guns, and the military — all on this week’s Armed with Science!

LISTEN to Dr. Connie Schmaljohn, senior scientist at the U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases, discuss research investigating vaccines against two types of hantaviruses, which are known health threats to U.S. troops stationed in Europe and Asia. The research team used small amounts of genetic material, or DNA, from the Hantaan and Puumala viruses to develop the vaccines. These DNA vaccines are potentially more cost-effective, and the needle-free vaccination method used to deliver them is less painful. She discusses the research that led to the development of these vaccines and the path that lies ahead. Both vaccines are now in Phase I clinical testing, the first step toward licensure by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.

​U.S. Army Medical Research Institute of Infectious Diseases (USAMRIID)​
​​American Society for Microbiology

RSS | iTunes | Armed with Science | On Twitter

Listen to the first Armed with Science show covering the Defense Department’s efforts to leverage social science.

Drs. Ivy Estabrook, program officer for the Human, Social, Cultural and Behavioral Science program at the Office of Naval Research, and Elisa Bienenstock, Chief Human Science Officer at NSI, Inc., will discuss the Defense Department’s efforts to understand how theoretical and methodological approaches from social science can benefit the warfighter. They will discuss several programs sponsored by the Director of Defense Science and Engineering that aim to refine and scale empirical, quantitative and computational methods to meet the needs of the Department of Defense.

Office of Naval Research
National Security Innovations

RSS | iTunes | Armed with Science | On Twitter

Bigfoots and cherry blossoms aren’t the only highlights of springtime in our nation’s capitol. Spring also marks another year of Casey Trees community tree planting events, part of the organization’s larger effort to restore, enhance, and protect the District’s tree canopy.

As Citizen Forester’s, Jenny and I are trained in techniques critical for maintaining urban tree health and ensuring tree survival. This includes choosing the appropriate species and planting site, mulching and watering, and proper tool use and safety.

However, knowledge and skill aren’t the only keys to being a successful Citizen Forester. Self-confidence and positive-thinking also play an important role. Above, Jenny and I pretend our shovels are normal sized and that our muscles are just really huge. Four hours of this behavior can induce a rather inflated sense of grandeur. And there is nothing better for trees than an inflated sense of grandeur.

We do it for the trees. Everything else is a bonus.

After six months of hard work, Lalaram and I have finally provided an answer to your question, “Do Microwaves Affect Plant Growth?”: YES! Duh. But how? Perhaps you will be enlightened by reading Lalaram’s final EnvironMentors paper –> HERE

Stay tuned. On May 20, Lalaram will present his work at the DC EnvironMentors Science Fair. Go Science!

The 2009 spring bocce season has already offered its share of adversity. A 10-minute torrential downpour postponed Week 1, and DC Metro construction left Change You Can Bocce without two of its stars, Mr. Awesome and Dr. Clutch, for its Week 2 match against Bocce Ballers. Even worse, our Week 2 match took place on the bocce courts, which meant we didn’t have the luxury of relying on the unpredictable grassy terrain, “the great equalizer”, to mask our inadequacies.

For these very reasons–and because they agreed to pay the $40 entrance fee–we recruited two entirely new team members for the 2009 spring season. Until Week 2, neither of these individuals had even so much as cradled a bocce ball in their hands, let alone competed in an organized league, and therefore neither had been assigned nicknames clever enough to pass our rigorous nickname-vetting process. After all, everyone knows that nicknames can only be awarded for amazing feats of physical dominance, clutch maneuvers, or generous gifts of golds and spices.

Fast forward to the end of our Week 2 match — the score is 13-10 and only a few minutes remain until the game is called. Our newest teammate, Anuj, against all notions of logic and tradition, hurls his ball into a tight corner, knocking all of our opponents balls out the way, and securing a 16-10 victory for his team. A HUGE shot by Anuj! An-HUUGE!!

And, so it was decided, to the list of Change You Can Bocce members, which includes The Beast, The Enforcer, The Captain, Unkle Unkool, Mr. Awesome, and Dr. Clutch, we add An-HUGE!

Now that we have that resolved, we will try to work on perfecting our simultaneous complex aerial maneuvers, as demonstrated quite unsuccessfully in the above picture.

—————————————————————————————
Week 2, April 28: Change You Can Bocce 16, Bocce Ballers 10

Regular Season Record: 1-0
—————————————————————————————

While we were disappointed that our match was cancelled, we were thrilled to pick up our swanky teal team t-shirts. That’s right: TEAL. Become familiar. It is the color of inevitability. The color of your doom.

DC Bocce League: mark your calendars for June 13, the DC Bocce Spring Championship. There will be a Tea(l)bagging party, and everyone is invited.

(cue extended maniacle laughter)

I reasoned that since someone placed this majestic statue of “James A. Garfield” in front of the US Capitol, he must have done something important. I never bothered to check the cover of Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, so we may never know. But, man alive, that would suck to be immortalized in a parking lot.

Since November, I’ve participated in the EnvironMentors program, a DC-based education initiative that prepares students from underrepresented backgrounds for careers in environmental science. The EnvironMentors program pairs high school students with scientists and engineers across industry and academia for a one-on-one mentoring relationship that culminates in a year-long environmental research project. High school students learn the scientific process, opportunities and strategies for pursuing a career in science, and, in the case of my student, Lalaram, how cool it is to microwave the living crap out of wheat grass seeds and “see what happens”.

Lalaram first approached me with an interest in exploring how electromagnetic waves released by cell phones affect the environment. However, I was unable to think of a practical way to test that and still generate measurable results. We discussed various options and decided to explore how microwave radiation affects plant growth. This allowed us to utilize the common household microwave and control the amount of exposure.

After conducting background research, we found that this very topic was the focus of NASA researcher, Dr. JW Skiles, who is investigating the long-term effects of continuous microwave energy illumination of the biosphere. In his 2006 Acta Astronautica paper, “Plant response to microwaves at 2.45 GHz,” Skiles exposed alfalfa to microwave energy and found there was no difference between the control and the microwave treatment plants. Noting a passage in Dr. Skiles paper that said, “other experiments are necessary,” we set out to break new ground in the field of microwaves and plants!

Our experiment design consisted of three groups (water, soil, and seeds) that would recieve increasing amounts of microwave exposure (0, 15s, 30s, 1min, 2min, and 4min). In the water condition, the water would be microwaved and allowed to cool before being administered to the wheat grass on each watering day. In the soil and seeds conditions, the soil and seeds were microwaved at the beginning and given regular control water on each watering day. Not the most complicated experiment of all time, but with three replications, it was critical to keep things organized. We had three measures: 1) the day that sprouts first emerged from the soil, 2) the length of each blade of wheat grass recorded every three days, and 3) the percentage of seeds that sprouted.

Our paper is in final revisions and due to the EnvironMentors program on Tuesday, so be sure to check back in a few days for the finished product. For now, enjoy the above picture of Lalaram measuring wheat grass on Day 10 after microwave exposure. Stay tuned! ]]> http://johnohab.com/2009/04/19/the-effects-of-microwave-exposure-on-plants-our-environmentors-project-prologue/feed/ 8 http://johnohab.com/2009/04/13/a-neurosigntists-lopsided-point-of-view/ http://johnohab.com/2009/04/13/a-neurosigntists-lopsided-point-of-view/#comments Tue, 14 Apr 2009 01:54:00 +0000 John Ohab http://johnohab.com/wordpress/?p=1198 Lopsignded

When Lindsor, Michael, and I saw this BigFoot Awareness Week sign on 16th street, we went completely out of our way to capture its strange and unusual orientation. Why would this Bigfoot be positioned at a 45 degree angle? Was it falling backwards? Were we falling forward? This meant something. This was important.

Over the next couple of weeks, I explored notions both logical and irrational, physical and celestial, and then I watched like 12 straight episodes of that “Warriors” show on The History Channel and completely forgot what I pondering.

Fast forward to right now, and I just realized that the Bigfoot is actually positioned on the sign as normal. A construction worker must have tilted the sign before adding the arrow, and then through some process of deduction, decided that it was more important that the arrow was flush to the horizontal.

Ah ha! Mystery solved.

I would pretty much sell my soul for a Potbellys sandwich right now.

Spring is a wonderful time in our nation’s capital. Life-giving showers have reinvigorated our plants and our spirits as we prepare for the summer heat and the arrival of thousands of Bigfoots into the DC metro area.

This year’s Bigfoot influx is expected to be the biggest in nearly 10 years, and city officials are taking no chances. Informative signs have been posted throughout the wooded areas of northwest DC to alert hikers and picnickers about our guests. These signs are also being posted in urban locations like Dupont Circle, which offer shopping, dining and coffee spots that are popular in the Bigfoot community.

An anonymous city official warned that these signs cannot solve all of our problems. Residents are advised to be aware of their surroundings at all times and avoid any direct Bigfoot interaction. Limbs and other detached anatomy will be collected at the nearest post office and can be claimed Mon-Friday during working hours.

To help in this spring’s Bigfoot effort, the beef jerky maker, Jack Links, has re-released their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” educational series. The episode below, “Cold One”, has proven most effective at building public awareness and appreciation for the dangers of engaging Bigfoots, particularly those engagements involving alcohol abuse-induced taunting.

Good luck, and let’s stay safe out there!

This Journal entry will focus on my experience at today’s Presidential Inauguration. I had planned on coupling (more or less) insightful commentary with high quality pictures, but my digital camera decided to poop out after one picture. Consequently, everything I present was taken with my first generation iPhone camera. The pictures aren’t IMAX quality, but they still tell the story.

Several items of interest at the Inauguration:

• The audio-visual coordination was so uneven that it often took 5 full seconds for a person’s actions to reflect the words or music they produced. At times, this was hilarious, but other times, for instance, during Obama’s speech, it was almost embarrassing.
• I stood in the same spot right next to the Smithsonian Museum in the middle of the Mall from approximately 6:30am to 1pm. That’s a personal record.
• I used a port-a-potty at about 6:15am for no reason other than so I could later say I used one of the of port-a-pottys. I actually feel sort of fulfilled.
• At one point, I was actually booed by about five Pittsburgh Steelers fans who saw my Arizona Cardinals beanie. I smiled.
• On the way home, I helped a man having a panic attack hurdle a large barrier so he could lay on the ground and gain his composure.
• My roommate showed up 2 hours after me and ended up just 20 yards behind me.
• I still haven’t searched for news articles that might explain why Dick Chaney was in a wheelchair because I prefer to make up my own reasons.
• Obama’s speech was amazing.
• I wore a Cardinals beanie and sweatshirt that both had a red, white and blue color scheme. Barack Obama’s campaign logo was also red, white, and blue. The American flag consists of three colors which just so happen to be red, white, and blue. Coincidence? I think not.

Here is my picture album. Enjoy looking at that pictures and imagining you were there with me.

We were freezing.

Jenny and I were recently discussing potential events that could ruin the Presidential Inauguration weekend. We came up with two. One was the Cardinals losing to the Eagles in the NFC Championship. This did not happen. The other event was the sudden, unexplainable destruction of the famous U Street Pull-up Tree. This happened.

Inauguration weekend ruined. I mean, I’m still going, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters without the Pull-up Tree.

We will know soon enough.

For 35 years, the AAAS Science & Technology Policy Fellowships have provided scientists and engineers with a unique opportunity to apply their knowledge and skills to national and international issues in the federal policy realm, while learning first-hand about establishing and implementing policy.

Fellows select assignments in Congressional offices or federal agencies. This is a year-long opportunity, beginning September 1 and ending August 31. Most federal agencies offer Fellows the opportunity to renew for a second year.

During my youth, I always dreaded those days in PE when we were graded on our ability to perform various physical challenges, including but not limited to: timed laps, push-ups, sit-ups, the rope-climb, and most of all, pull-ups. I remember watching in horror as random classmates–usually the puniest kids–could pump out 25 pull-ups or climb the rope 10 times without stopping. I, on the other hand, could barely muster one pull-up and never got more than 3 feet up the rope (about as high as I could jump). Perhaps it’s genetic (thanks Oldhab) or simply a matter of passion (I have none). Either way, I did not excel at any of these exercises.

As an adult, nothing has changed. I apparently have still not developed adequate upper body strength to perform more than about 5 pull-ups, and even that is a struggle. So, when Jenny and I came across this stumpy tree branch at 1428 U St NW, I was not about to risk humiliating myself. So, I encouraged Jenny to jump up there and see if she was up to the challenge. Much to my satisfaction, Jenny was unable to perform even a single pull-up. Instead, she just hung there motionless as passers-by mocked and laughed at her. I laughed as well. I also pointed at her.

Do you have what it takes? Visit the U Street Pull-up Tree yourself and report back!

After hearing stories of 4+ hour waits in Maryland and Virginia, I left work an hour early to get a head start on the waiting process. It was raining, so I bought an umbrella. I put on my walking shoes (this would have happened anyway). I made sure my phone was fully charged. I bought a Diet Dr. Pepper, which, as you know, tastes more like real Dr. Pepper. I walked in a slow run to my polling place in anticipation of a line wrapping around the block. When my 40 minute adventure came to its exciting conclusion, I found approximately zero people in line outside of the polling station. Inside, there were a total of 10 people, including me, nine of which were volunteers. I got my ballot, filled it out, and was walking home in less than two minutes. Explain that.

If Barack Obama wins, it will be the first time in years that Americans collectively have a reason to be proud of ourselves (that is, above the basal level of pride we have in our country on a daily basis). I haven’t really considered the alternative, other than investing heavily in the ear plug companies that will see record profits the minute Americans realize that they will have to listen to Sarah Palin for 4-8 more years.

OBAMA!

Reporter: What does the Vice President do?

Sarah Palin: They’re in charge of the US Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the Senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family his classroom.

No, the Vice President is not in charge of the US Senate, and the Vice President most certainly does not make any policy changes that will make life better for anyone. At least, that’s what the Constitution says: “The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided.” (Article 1, Section 3) Even the US Senate website claims that the Vice President now “presides over the Senate only on ceremonial occasions”. Wow.

Just a reminder: if elected, this individual would have access to our nuclear launch codes.

Function: noun

1 a: a handheld device that aids in accomplishing a task, b (1): the cutting or shaping part in a machine (2): a machine for shaping metal

2 a: something (as an instrument or apparatus) used in performing an operation or necessary in the practice of a vocation or profession, b: an element of a computer program that activates and controls a particular function, c: a means to an end, d: often vulgar

3: one that is used or manipulated by another

America is not the world
By Morrissey

America, your head’s too big because, America, your belly is too big. And, I love you. I just wish you’d stay where you piss

In America…the land of the free, they said, and of opportunity, in a just and a truthful way. But where the president is never black, female or gay, and until that day, you’ve got nothing to say to me to help me believe

In America… They brought you the hamburger. Well, America, you know where you can shove your hamburger. And, don’t you wonder why in Estonia they say, “Hey you, you big fat pig, you fat pig, you fat pig”

Steely blue eyes with no love in them scam the world.
And a humorless smile with no warmth within greets the world.
And I, I have got nothing to offer you
No-no-no-no-no, just this heart deep and true, which you say you don’t need.

See with your eyes. Touch with your hands. Please, hear through your ears. Know in your soul, please. For haven’t you me with you now? And, I love you. I love you. I love you. And, I love you. I love you. I love you.

Don’t kid yourself. This is simply an illusion created through forced perspective and innovative optical imaging technology. Marty is still the tallest singular entity in the universe.