Thanks to Science Cheerleader, I had the opportunity to visit Lincoln Financial Field this past weekend to see the Arizona Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Eagles game, an epic showdown of two underachieving bird-related teams. As you can see from the picture, we had great seats right behind the Cardinals bench. As you can see from this blog post, I survived.

Oh, and the Cardinals won 21-17.

No, he’s not throwing money, free trips to the Caribbean, or iTunes gift certificates to these Washington Wizards fans. He’s throwing Chipotle burritos. And they love him for it.

If you were in my 2010 Fantasy Football league, this is the team that would have annihilated you.

Kurt’s Warner

Offense
QB Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers
WR Calvin Johnson Detroit Lions
WR Lance Moore, New Orleans Saints
RB Jamaal Charles Kansas City Chiefs
RB Matt Forte Chicago Bears
TE Randy McMichael San Diego Chargers
W/R Ahmad Bradshaw NY Giants

Kickers
Mason Crosby Green Bay Packers

Defense/Special Teams
New England Patriots

Bench
Todd Heap (Bal – TE)
Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
Antonio Gates (SD – TE)
Mario Manningham (NYG – WR)
Terrell Owens (Cin – WR)

This Thanksgiving, I gave thanks for my first spare in candlepin bowling.

In this video, I blow my chance to make bowling history as the first human to record three consecutive strikes — known in folklore as the “turkey.”

The video is funny because it depicts a cartoonishly disproportionate Teddy Roosevelt at a Nationals game. Ten points if you can spot George Washington, probably one of my favorite Presidents of all time.

I figured, hey, if I’m going to continue interviewing cheerleader-scientist hybrids, I should probably pick ones that are conducting research on human retinas.

Two weeks and two interviews with San Francisco 49ers Gold Rush cheerleaders who are both smarter and have better abs than me. If I don’t get to work, I may lose the “John O-Ab” moniker that I have secretly given to myself and not revealed in a public forum until now.

Christine’s story is pretty awesome. She has a Masters in biomedical engineering from Arizona State and is currently pursing a PhD in the Joint Graduate Group in Bioengineering at UC Berkeley and UC San Francisco. And she previously cheered for the Arizona Cardinals and the Phoenix Suns, which by default pretty much makes her my favorite former Cardinals and Suns cheerleader. Go Science!

You should also check out the previous interview with Erica.

My challenge for the year is to find a word in the English language that describes this commercial better than the word “awkward.”

I recently had the opportunity to interview San Francisco 49ers Gold Rush cheerleader, Erica, for a story on ScienceCheerleader.com. In addition to her cheerleading duties, Erica is software engineer who develops online courses for graduate students. As someone who operates in the seemingly unrelated worlds of cheerleading and science and technology, she offers a really unique perspective. Check out the interview!

I was admittedly a little hesitate about this interview. There was some serious conflict between the tortured Arizona Cardinals football fan part of my brain and my passion for connecting science and society. But, when I found out that both Erica and I have a habit of sneaking out of our office to practice double pirouettes in the bathroom, I realized this was something that just had to be done. Enjoy!

2006 Cardinals vs. Bears post-game conference

2009 Cardinals vs. Bears post-game conference

It’s been 1o months since the Cardinal lost to the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII, and today I finally looked at the pictures taken during our Super Bowl party. It may sound ridiculous, but I honestly feel so much residual pain from the experience that I couldn’t bring myself to revisit that day until now.

People that have followed an even mildly successful sports franchise will never understand what it is like to be a Cardinals fan. Since forever, they have been the laughing stock of not just the NFL but the entire sports world. Detroit Lions fans get it . Los Angeles Clippers fans get it. People who cheer for the Yankees or the Broncos simply do not understand what it is like to support a team that has zero chance of ever winning anything.  Cowboys fans, Steelers fans, Lakers fans are all given credit for being such amazing supporters, but really, cheering for a winner isn’t the best way to measure devotion.

Last year, Cardinals fans finally had a chance to feel like a winner. When Larry Fitzgerald scored the go-ahead touchdown in the Super Bowl, 20 years of pain was almost instantaneously dissolved, only to rematerialize 10-fold a few minutes later when Santonio Holmes scored the game-winning touchdown. While Steelers fans were ho-hum happy about their SIXTH Super Bowl, it was absolutely devastating to true Cardinals fans. Our only chance in 20 years, and possibly, our last chance for another 20.

It was a a day of extreme highs and lows that I had experienced only a few times in my life. Is that sad? Sort of. Sports are fundamentally about entertainment. But, when you commit yourself to supporting something–a person, a cause, or a sports team–your pride and happiness are also at stake, and it doesn’t matter how seemingly trivial that something might be. Thus, while I am admittedly embarrassed to still be unable to watch Super Bowl XLIII highlights, I am proud to have supported the Cardinals in their best and worst moments.

Anyway, this is a meaningless discussion since the Cardinals are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl in 2010.

For some reason, Google Alerts just now picked up the 2005 Arizona Republic article that featured Pejman as an “obsessed” Cardinals fan and me as perhaps the most incoherent person in the history of the world:

“I can remember five or six times a year, walking back to the car before the game was over, sunburned and totally dejected,” Ohab said. “What remains so vivid in my mind is walking through the trenches before the game was over – those fences they had around the field – leaving the game, an 11-year-old kid trying to look in, as we were leaving because they were down by 20 or 30 points.”

Um, what? Anyway, click here to read the full article.

It’s been six months, and I’m finally ready to start talking about Arizona Cardinals football again. I don’t feel entirely bad about stepping away; even this painter doesn’t want to approach the topic of whether Santonio Holmes actually had both feet on the ground when he caught the go-ahead touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

When I arrived in Pittsburgh to watch the NFL draft with Dr. Brian/Josh, I noticed a glaring juxtaposition at the Pittsburgh International Airport. In the lobby, there stood a statue of George Washington, the father of our country and one hell of a model American. Next to him? A statue of Franco Harris as he appeared during the Immaculate Reception, perhaps the most famous play in football history besides every play made by the Arizona Cardinals.

Is this juxtaposition worthy of Bioephemera‘s long-running “Juxtaposition” series? How many more times can I say juxtaposition before people starting getting uncomfortable? These questions and more will be covered in the next edition of JuxtapositionFest 2009.

Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods, and Tony Romo

Hey Jessica, Freddy Krueger’s wife called. She wants her dress back.

After a satisfying 4-2 regular season, Change You Can Bocce was dominated by its milk chocolate-colored opponent, BB Chocolate, 16-8 in the first round of the playoffs. It was bad, folks. Real bad. NBA Finals Game 1, Lakers vs. Magic bad. And, we were the Magic, except nobody on our team was rocking the Stan Van Gundy mustache and only three of us can two-handed windmill dunk a basketball.

There are a number of reasons that could explain our rapid fall from grace. Maybe it was the unpredictable regular season schedule. Maybe it was The Captain’s inability to convince teammates to actually wear their $40 Teal uniforms during match play. Maybe we shouldn’t have discontinued our rigorous pre-game partner stretching routine. Maybe we should have given she-who-has-not-been-nicknamed a suitable nickname to go along with Dr. Clutch, The Captain, The Enforcer, The Beast, Mr. Awesome, An-HUGE and Unkle Unkool. Only time will teal.

I would like to formally apologize to our sponsors–though, it was your decision to sign us to a heavily front-loaded contract–and to the DC Bocce League for our embarrasing performance. We realize this means you will have to cancel the rest of the Spring Bocce playoffs, forfeit many nights of enjoyment at the Pour House, and delay the championship trophy presentation until next season when we return to form.

Unteal next season… Change You Can Bocce OUT!

Change You Can Bocce

The 2009 spring bocce season has already offered its share of adversity. A 10-minute torrential downpour postponed Week 1, and DC Metro construction left Change You Can Bocce without two of its stars, Mr. Awesome and Dr. Clutch, for its Week 2 match against Bocce Ballers. Even worse, our Week 2 match took place on the bocce courts, which meant we didn’t have the luxury of relying on the unpredictable grassy terrain, “the great equalizer”, to mask our inadequacies.

For these very reasons–and because they agreed to pay the $40 entrance fee–we recruited two entirely new team members for the 2009 spring season. Until Week 2, neither of these individuals had even so much as cradled a bocce ball in their hands, let alone competed in an organized league, and therefore neither had been assigned nicknames clever enough to pass our rigorous nickname-vetting process. After all, everyone knows that nicknames can only be awarded for amazing feats of physical dominance, clutch maneuvers, or generous gifts of golds and spices.

Fast forward to the end of our Week 2 match — the score is 13-10 and only a few minutes remain until the game is called. Our newest teammate, Anuj, against all notions of logic and tradition, hurls his ball into a tight corner, knocking all of our opponents balls out the way, and securing a 16-10 victory for his team. A HUGE shot by Anuj! An-HUUGE!!

And, so it was decided, to the list of Change You Can Bocce members, which includes The Beast, The Enforcer, The Captain, Unkle Unkool, Mr. Awesome, and Dr. Clutch, we add An-HUGE!

Now that we have that resolved, we will try to work on perfecting our simultaneous complex aerial maneuvers, as demonstrated quite unsuccessfully in the above picture.

—————————————————————————————
Week 2, April 28: Change You Can Bocce 16, Bocce Ballers 10

Regular Season Record: 1-0
—————————————————————————————

While we were disappointed that our match was cancelled, we were thrilled to pick up our swanky teal team t-shirts. That’s right: TEAL. Become familiar. It is the color of inevitability. The color of your doom.

DC Bocce League: mark your calendars for June 13, the DC Bocce Spring Championship. There will be a Tea(l)bagging party, and everyone is invited.

(cue extended maniacle laughter)

Predicted final record 16-0
(the over-time victory during their bye week does not technically count toward their win total)

(votes for Cardinals in Blue, Steelers in Red)

Check out this survey on ESPN’s SportsNation, which shows the nation completely divided on its Super Bowl predictions. Interestingly, the western half of the country predicts the Cardinals, while most of the eastern half picks the Steelers. Talk about critical analysis.

What does all of this mean? Nothing. Who even cares? The Cardinals are in the Super Bowl!

Feel free to adapt this template for your personal email correspondence.

Cardinals,

–Body of email– (which must include some mention of Cardinals, Super Bowl, and Cardinals to Super Bowl)

Cardinals,
Cardinals

P.S Cardinals

I cannot adequately describe how amazing it has been to watch the Cardinals this season. For those who have never followed a perennially horrible franchise, it might be difficult to understand exactly why this has been such an emotional experience. Patriots fans are upset when their 11-5 team does not make the playoffs. Still, they have 3 Super Bowls in the last few years. The Cardinals have now won 3 playoff GAMES in my entire lifetime. They have two winnings seasons, and that includes this year. Arizona Cardinals fans have never experienced this. More thoughts to come…

Cards to Super Bowl!!

Just a recap of the ridiculous emails and messages I received during the game last night:

Chris C.: Since I don’t have my Bengals, my hearts is with the Cards. GO AZ!

Steve T.: Hey, I think Fitzgerald is open!

Lindsor: I wish I could watch, but I’m out seeing Marley and Me instead.

Devon: We are having a blast! Everybody is shouting “Let’s go Cardinals!”. Wish you were here!

Jen: Super Bowl tickets first in line du pee du!

Marty: A dream.

Pouya: Unreal.

The Pejman: John, can you believe this?! I love you and the Cardinals!

The Pejman: I just ran around ESPN Zone screaming, ‘Cardinals!’

The Pejman: In case you missed it, I predicted the Cardinals to Super Bowl in 2009! Move over Nostradamus!

The Pejman: This is really happening! Cardinals in the NFC Championship! Somebody get me gasoline; I’m lighting myself on fire!

The Pejman: I think I am dead.

MG: Congratulations!!

Richard: I am going to riot in Charlotte.

With the bocce season on hiatus, each member of The Greatest and Best Team in the World is free to pursue their own personal endeavors (that is, in addition to our rigorous off-season nutrition, acupuncture, and exercise regiment). For example, Jennufine and the Captain pass their time as Citizen Foresters with Casey trees; the one individual whose nickname did not pass our nickname-vetting process worked for the Obama campaign; and the others prefer a quieter, low-profile experience.

The same cannot be said for The Beast, who throughout the year will be appearing on A&E’s The Beast, a gritty crime drama about a veteran FBI agent assigned to a new partner, unaware that he was recruited as a double agent to investigate his activities. Thrilling! Don’t worry–all of the episodes are scheduled to film prior to the Bocce season to ensure The Beast will not miss a single throw.

Please tune into A&E to support one of your own, The Beast, if not to preserve the sanctity of DC Bocce, then certainly because The Greatest and Best Team in the World (representing The Beast) has signed an incentive-laden, back-end contract deal based on the show’s performance.

Unleash the Beast!

The NFC West Division Champion Arizona Cardinals went 9-7 during 2008, and not coincidentally, I also went 9-7 in my season predictions. Correct predictions are highlighted in red to create an obvious visual distinction between those predections that were correct (red) and those that were not (black). Some of my predictions were eerily similar to the actual scores, suggesting I may have a future in psychic reading or other fields requiring supreme clairvoyance. These predictions include but are not limited to:

• Week 1, I successfully picked the exact number of points, 23, scored by the Cardinals.
• Week 2, my final score prediction of 33-14 was eerily close to the actual final score, 31-10.
• Week 4, I chose a Cardinals blow-out victory while in reality the Cardinals suffered a blow-out loss.
• Week 6, I successfully predicted a Cardinals overtime victory over the Cowboys.
• Week 11, I successfully predicted the margin of victory over the Seahawks.
• Week 16, I predicted the Cardinals would score 21 points in a win over Seattle while in reality the Seahawks scored 21 points in losing.

At this point, I can no longer discuss my amazing predictions for fear that their macabre connections with reality may set in progress a series cataclysmic events which might ultimately bring about the end of the universe. Pretty cool, huh?

After Thursday’s debacle against the Eagles, I’m starting to wonder if this Jack in the Box commercial is the only resource used by the Cardinals scout team.

The only redeeming aspect of the Arizona Cardinals’ embarrassing performance against the Philadelphia Eagles: the Philly cheeseteaks at Subways in Philadelphia taste much better than they do in Arizona.

2009 Arizona Cardinals: Best Team EVER

Let’s talk about things we’ve never seen before and start with the 7-3, NFC West division-leading Arizona Cardinals.

For the record, I was a Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals season ticket holder from 1988-1999 (by way of Oldhab) and then again from 2006-2007 while living in Los Angeles. I have seen exactly ONE playoff victory, ONE winning season, ZERO division titles, and ZERO home playoff games during 20 years of watching nearly every single Cardinals game. They have not been to the playoffs since 1998, have not won a division title since 1975 (as the St. Louis Cardinals) and have not hosted a playoff game since 1947 (as the Chicago Cardinals). There has been a lot more bad than good over the past 20 years.

I do have a few good memories, but, for the most part, plays like Steve Bono’s run in this video pretty much summarize my experience. And, yes, Oldhab and I did have the opportunity to watch this play in person at Sun Devil Stadium.

This year is different. The season is not over, and surely the Cardinals franchise is prone to unfortunate collapses–in 1988, the Cardinals were 7-4 and proceeded to loose 5 straight games after their franchise quarterback, Neil Lomax, was lost for the season–but so far they have overcome the curses of previous generations. They win the close games that they have traditionally lost; they have a smart coach who is not afraid to make bold decisions; and they don’t lose confidence even when they aren’t playing their best. This is a big deal. It may not seem like it to fans of the Patriots, who at 6-4, are considered a colossal disappointment, but this is literally the first time I have rooted for a quality Cardinals team.

Kurt Warner continues to dominate the league in every passing category; Larry Fitzgerald (from?) and Anquin Bolden are having career years; and the Cardinals defense plays well against the run and has forced the most turnovers in the league. If they can eliminate stupid penalties, they are going to be a difficult team to beat in a home playoff game.

This weekend, the Cardinals face their greatest test of the season when they play the Giants. I am confident they will win. They will be 8-3. They will rise on ESPN’s Power Rankings. I will be happy. Twenty years of pain and rejection will not go unrewarded.

Cardinal sin?

While waiting for the metro this afternoon, I noticed something very familiar embroidered on the front of this random youth’s jacket. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice–there are seemingly hundreds of universities and high schools with some variation of the Cardinal mascot. However, the Cardinal logo at Bishop Ireton High School, in particular, shared several distinct features with the Arizona Cardinals logo that we have all grown to know and love. Take, for instance, the fact that it apparently IS the logo for the Arizona Cardinals!

To confirm this suspicion, I embarked on a bit of detective work. On the left are Cardinal logos I pulled from the Sponsorship and In the News pages of Bishop Ireton High School, and on the right, is the Arizona Cardinals pre-2006 logo. They are literally the same thing. There wasn’t even the slightest attempt by Bishop Ireton to alter the original Cardinals logo.

This is all very strange. Does the Arizona Cardinals organization know about this apparent disregard for branding rights? Why are there “unnecessary” quotes around “Cardinals” on the Bishop Ireton poster? Why would they steal the logo of a chronically underachieving franchise? These questions and more will be answered in an upcoming Journal entry.

* Jeff Van Gundy Quote of the Day: “The Suns are +14 when Steve Nash is in the game, and they are -12 when he is out of the game”. Thanks Jeff. Now, please explain to me the nature of those two points that occur when Steve Nash is neither in the game nor out of it.

Try this for yourself. You don’t even have to go to her website. She’ll never know. Just send a self-addressed, stamped envelope (8″x11″) to: 203 Fair Meadow Circle, Houston, PA 15342. It’s that easy.

Special Alert: As I was preparing this Journal entry, I found that Michael Phelps’ confusing and advertisement-laden website also provides a mailing address for free autographs. I’m going to send my envelope out tomorrow, and, just in case you are interested in this opportunity, you can also send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: Michael Phelps, P.O. Box 1734, Olney, MD 20830-1734. Report back if you have any success.

Epic De-pantsing

When Not a Good Team Name dispersed into two equally talented teams for the summer DC Bocce League, we all envisioned an ultimate Finals showdown between the two spin-offs. Fate, it seems, it not without a sense of irony. Indeed, Destiny’s Pants and The Greatest and Best Team in the World would meet in this summer’s playoffs, but their match would take place in Round 1, not the Finals. Anti-climactic doesn’t even begin to describe how incredibly not climactic this news was to the two teams.

Still, each team approached this match like it was their last. There were no handshakes, buttslaps, or words of encouragement. Only stare-downs. Even our traditional pre-game partner stretching with aroma therapy was replaced with face-offs so intense (and sustained) that the match didn’t begin until well after the scheduled start time. In fact, by the time we got going, there wasn’t even enough light to capture The Greatest and Best Team in the World’s 16-5 drubbing of Destiny’s Pants. Indeed, it was an epic “De-Pantsing” of epic proportions.

Which brings me to my next topic of discussion: the act of forcibly removing one’s pants, or what I have always referred to as “de-pantsing“. Until just recently, I had never considered the genesis of this term. It always seemed natural to use the suffix “de-”, which has a meaning that approximates “to remove” or “do the opposite of”, in conjunction with the word “pants”, which I could only assume meant to “wear pants”. Putting it all together, to “de-pants” someone literally means to “do the opposite of wear pants” or not wear pants. Yet, my entire world was turned upside down when a friend of mine informed me that some aberrant sub-population of the planet actually refers to this phenomenon as “pantsing”. That is, to “pants” someone is to forcibly remove one’s pants. This is not a joke. People actually believe this. Beyond my simple explanation, I do not have the intellectual capacity or tolerance to further explore how a human person could justify abandoning all logic and rationality for the sake of forcibly removing one’s pants. That’s why I only DE-pants people. That’s why I stick to bocce.

Let’s forget that Jim Craig’s signature looks exactly like “Jen Coffey” and focus on the discrepancy between the signature’s location on the picture compared to the thought bubble. How hard would it have been to just use the same one?

—————————————————————————————
Week 1, July 22: The Greatest and Best Team in the World 16, Sweet Italian Balls 7
Week 2, July 29: 419 Allstars 16, The Greatest and Best Team in the World 14
Week 3, August 5: The Yaks 16, The Greatest and Best Team in the World 6
Week 4, August 12: Irritable Bocce Syndrome 15, The Greatest and Best Team in the World 13
Week 5, August 19: The Greatest and Best Team in the World, 16, There Will Be Bocce 15
Week 6, August 26: The Greatest and Best Team Ever 15, Hooters, Hookers & Blow 11

Regular Season Record: 3-3
—————————————————————————————

Despite his less-than-athletic appearance, the so-called “Iced Cube” was a lot harder to outrun than Pouya and I had anticipated. The Iced Cube eventually agreed to stop following us if Pouya would pose for one cell phone picture to show his friends. At Pouya’s request, the Iced Cube emailed the picture to us later that night.

Evidently, the Washington Redskins organization didn’t get the 1993 memo about the Phoenix Cardinals changing their name to the Arizona Cardinals. Other memos not received by the Washington Redskins include: the fact that their team name is a blatant racial epithet that has been used to demean Native Americans since European colonization of America. Oh, by the way, before using this term to name a football team, we also stole the Native Americans’ land, introduced the wonders of small pox, and raped and murdered them for good measure. Go team!

Jetpacks: Seriously, where is my jetpack? They have been promising us jetpacks for nearly a hundred years. “They”, of course, being the Germans. Remember all that stock footage of experimental rocket backpacks gone wrong? German men blasting 20 feet into the air with zero control over their direction or landing? The Jetsons? The Rocketeer? How much time do they need to make improvements? As of 1989, in Back to the Future 2, similar technology such as the hoverboard was even be considered. Yet, nearly 20 years later, nothing. Clearly, engineers have not been able to overcome the main technological hurdle–the undeniable fact that hoverboards don’t work on water, unless, of course, “you’ve got power”. In which case, why haven’t they put more effort into developing some kind of energy cell powerful enough to drive jetpacks, hoverboards, and other fancy unrealistic, hardly useful futuristic devices?

Calle Vista Coffee: Funny that the only coffee shop with free wireless internet, free coffee, comfortable seating, and enough electrical outlets to choke a camel is the quite possibly the most unfrequented establishment I have ever seen. This is particularly strange in Los Angeles, where Starbucks and Coffee Beans go to great lengths to board over any electrical outlets, ensuring that customers don’t simply buy one Americano and then camp out the rest of the day on their laptop. At Calle Vista, nobody seems to care if you order goods or services or just drop in to abuse their broadband connection. I don’t have the actual customer statistics, but I can pretty much guarantee you Calle Vista Coffee is barely making a profit. I know this because I spend entire days there without seeing more than 10 customers enter the store. I have my own table with my own lamp. I also have a mug with my name on it hanging from the wall. Sometimes I walk in and say “the usual”. Other times, I sit down and “the usual” is already there waiting for me before I ask. Some days, I order lunch and dinner, several cups of coffee, and when I leave, the manager gives me everything free for no apparent reason at all. None of this can possibly translate to making Calle Vista Coffee a lucrative business endeavor. How, then, can they possibly manage to pay their employees, buy new products, advertise, and rent their property? The answer: volume.

Kobe Bryant: Let’s see… he can be responsible for the break-up of a Laker dynasty, alienate his teammates, sexually assault a Colorado youth, cheat on his wife, and still the city of Los Angeles rejoices in his majesty. But take three shots in the 2nd half of a playoff game, and suddenly he is the stain on the face of this honorable city. The fact of the matter is taking three shots in the 2nd half of game 7 against the Suns was only a bad thing because he put forth zero effort in doing so. Had he taken three shots, but created opportunities for teammates, set picks, run plays, or even retrieve water cups during timeouts, he could at least claim that he was contributing in other ways. As it stands, Kobe Bryant proved once again that he is an immature and selfish ball hog. He is also apparently very attractive, not to mention wealthy; two more reasons that I do not like him.

World Cup Soccer: There is a reason we all played soccer when we were 7 years old but stopped when we were 11. Because it’s boring and doesn’t require any skill. This is why American’s don’t like soccer and choose to play more intellectually and physically demanding sports, such as basketball, baseball, football, golf, hockey, Texas Hold’em poker, and bowling. Like most Americans, I once tried to embrace soccer. The rest of the world likes it, and so if I am to be cultured, I too must enjoy the “futbol”. For some reason, American sports fans feel that we owe soccer some allegiance, much like professional women’s basketball. We act like we care, but deep down, everyone knows how dull and uninteresting it is, but the media or those less fortunate or perhaps the goodwill in all of us has lifted soccer to an level of far greater importance than it deserves. Go USA!

Carlos Ramirez: For his thoughtful corrections of my spelling errors.

Despite weeks of preparation, scouting, and a flawless gameplan, Team Carmichael knew it was chasing a nearly impossible goal. Sweeping the gold medals had never been done at the Neurology Picnic, and it would take more than just physical intimidation and the insemination of fear in the eyes of every man, woman, child, and clown to accomplish our goals. It would take cheating. And lots of it. Copious amounts. So much that it would be obvious we were cheating. There wouldn’t even be a question. “That Carmichael lab is full of cheaters”, they’d say, “but damn they’ve got a lot of gold medals!”.

With Dr. Li (code name: “Weapon X”) enrolled in every single competition offered at this year’s Neurology Picnic, and Dr. Fradinger and I focusing our energy on the Balloon Toss competition, all signs pointed towards a medal sweep for Team Carmichael. Our enthusiasm reached a pinnacle following our taking of the Balloon Toss crown, but, what appeared to us as a joyous medal ceremony celebrating team unity and a common dream, was interpreted by Kathy Li as a proverbial slap in the face. Why can’t five year olds win gold medals? Insult to injury. Hate begets hate. And while the latter point may not be even remotely relevant here, it was clear from the sparkling vigor in her eyes that little Kathy Li had a bit of Weapon X coursing through her veins as well.

As Morpheus once said, fate is not without a bit of irony. We had insert Weapon X into every competition, and though I recall him winning the top prize each time (May 14th entry), the picture taken at the picnic’s conclusion suggests a different outcome. It is not entirely clear how Kathy was able to manipulate the once immutable mind of Weapon X. Was it blackmail? Slight of hand? Or perhaps good old fashioned brute force. Either way, by days end, Kathy had accumulated all of Weapon X’s medals. And so ended a competitive, if confusing, 2006 Neurology Picnic Games.

In order of descending height: The Champ, Weapon X, Asta, and Kathy.

New competition. Same ending.

There will be no build-up. No rising tension. No narrative hook.

I am champion of the 2006 Neurology Picnic Balloon Toss.

Now, I’ve never been one to gloat, unless of course you consider this journal to be an extension of me, in which case my entire existence would be based on the relentless tooting of my proverbial horn. But we’ll leave that discussion for another day. The relevant point here is that the 2006 Neurology Picnic represented more to me than just an opportunity to finally eat hot dogs and refried beans with the personnel department; it was my one chance to exhibit my unmatched hand-eye coordination and my God-given drive to excel in front of those that control the renewal of my parking pass and the timely payment of my tuition fees.

But Balloon Tossing is not a individual sport. It takes a team with a unified goal. For this reason, I spent weeks (minutes) preceding this year’s picnic recruiting Dr. Erica Fradinger, a post-doctoral fellow in the Teplow lab, and most importantly, the 2005 Balloon Toss Champion. Together, we made an effective pair, putting aside stylistic differences (her two-handed toss vs. my manly one-fisted rocket throw), and dominating a field of fierce competition that included…well…basically a bunch of 10 years olds. But little Katie and Courtney gave the evil-eye better than the most seasoned balloon tossing veterans. By the end, their intimidating stares nearly got the best me, and it was only my passion for the gold that kept me from nailing one them in the face with Ol’ Pinky (our balloon).

cue Dan Brown journal entry ending

Meanwhile, in the distant practice fields, “Weapon X” honed his egg-tossing skills… only time would tell if he too would experience the sweet taste of victory… but if he knew then what he knows now, he would have never entered the competition at all…

The Champ, Erica, Ol’ Pinky, and some random woman in a clown suit

While advancing the field of neuroscience through the development of innovative neural repair strategies is the main goal in the Carmichael Lab, we also recognize that personal health and fitness are key ingredients to academic success. Athletics are nothing new for members of the Carmichael Lab. After all, Dr. Carmichael himself was once a legend on the rugby field, Justine regularly pushes the limits of human endurance with extreme sports such as sting ray wrangling and skydiving, and my accomplishments on the high school tennis courts are highlighted in most history textbooks. For these reasons, the Annual Neurology Picnic Day represents more than just a time for family and friends to gather in the spirit of togetherness. For Team Carmichael, it is an opportunity for lab members to impose our physical dominance in a series of demanding team races and skills challenges.

For reasons that we may never understand, the Carmichael Lab was notably absent from last year’s Neurology Picnic Day. Some have suggested that perhaps we simply don’t read much of the junk mail the Neurology Dept sends out, but we in the Carmichael Lab know the real reason: a nation-wide cover-up to exclude us from competition, thus eliminating the overwhelming fan favorite and clear sentimental pick to sweep the medals, and opening the door to a new champion.

Using a series of gain- and loss-of-function analyses, Dr. Carmichael formulated the ultimate plan; an undertaking so insidious, it was surpassed only by its monumental brilliance: he enrolled Dr. Li, more commonly known as “Weapon X”, in every single competition offered at this year’s Neurology picnic, with obvious disregard to size or age requirements.

The results of these competitions and more in a future journal entry… (cue music suggesting inescapable doom)