Michael offers the first international contribution to the growing MimeFest catalog by miming this sign in Vietnam. We may never know if the sign depicts a pedestrian or the piano scene from Big.

Protect THIS!

Awesome: This morning, I attended the Pentagon Force Protection Agency’s “Urban Shield” Operational Response test. The test was conducted to improve the operational response of emergency personnel to an outdoor airborne biological attack and to evaluate the effectiveness of various personnel decontamination procedures. Test volunteers were positioned at locations inside and outside of the Pentagon, and a single release of a biological particulate tracer material, referred to as garden powder, occured along a nearby access road. Post-release, volunteers were transported to a decontamination station near the Pentagon Navy Annex, where test volunteers underwent surface sampling to evaluate their exposure to the particulate tracer followed by one of two water-based decontamination protocols. Post-decontamination, volunteers underwent another round of surface sampling to evaluate removal of the particulate tracer.

Awesomer: The event marked a rare opportunity to break one of the forbidden laws of the Pentagon grounds: no photography.

Let’s talk about the reasons that your family is getting hit by cars and start with the fact that they’re looking into the sky when crossing the street.

Lopsignded

When Lindsor, Michael, and I saw this BigFoot Awareness Week sign on 16th street, we went completely out of our way to capture its strange and unusual orientation. Why would this Bigfoot be positioned at a 45 degree angle? Was it falling backwards? Were we falling forward? This meant something. This was important.

Over the next couple of weeks, I explored notions both logical and irrational, physical and celestial, and then I watched like 12 straight episodes of that “Warriors” show on The History Channel and completely forgot what I pondering.

Fast forward to right now, and I just realized that the Bigfoot is actually positioned on the sign as normal. A construction worker must have tilted the sign before adding the arrow, and then through some process of deduction, decided that it was more important that the arrow was flush to the horizontal.

Ah ha! Mystery solved.

Messin’ with Mimefest

Spring is a wonderful time in our nation’s capital. Life-giving showers have reinvigorated our plants and our spirits as we prepare for the summer heat and the arrival of thousands of Bigfoots into the DC metro area.

This year’s Bigfoot influx is expected to be the biggest in nearly 10 years, and city officials are taking no chances. Informative signs have been posted throughout the wooded areas of northwest DC to alert hikers and picnickers about our guests. These signs are also being posted in urban locations like Dupont Circle, which offer shopping, dining and coffee spots that are popular in the Bigfoot community.

An anonymous city official warned that these signs cannot solve all of our problems. Residents are advised to be aware of their surroundings at all times and avoid any direct Bigfoot interaction. Limbs and other detached anatomy will be collected at the nearest post office and can be claimed Mon-Friday during working hours.

To help in this spring’s Bigfoot effort, the beef jerky maker, Jack Links, has re-released their “Messin’ with Sasquatch” educational series. The episode below, “Cold One”, has proven most effective at building public awareness and appreciation for the dangers of engaging Bigfoots, particularly those engagements involving alcohol abuse-induced taunting.

Good luck, and let’s stay safe out there!

We will know soon enough.

“Is that your bag…and your severed and minced hands, right arm, feet, and hair?”

Perhaps this is why the Metro lady so adamantly suggests we step back as the metro doors are closing.

Apparently, Christ did a little proof-reading and got the Tampa Bay Business Journal to change the headline for THIS article.

Taken from THIS article in the Tampa Bay Business Journal. Amen!

What should you do if something happens that affects Metro?

1. Locate giant sign with important list of things you should do if something happens that affects Metro.
2. Attempt to remove pile of random steel escalator steps in front of sign with important list of things you should do if something happens that affects Metro.
3. Come to the realization that you are simply not strong enough to lift a pile of random steel escalator steps.
4. Walk to CVS and purchase large tube of IcyHot to temporarily relieve sore back.
5. Withdraw $100 from ATM.
6. Commission several large men to remove pile of steal escalator steps in front of sign.
7. Read giant sign with list of things you should do if something happens that affects Metro.
8. Rejoice in your safety.

It looks like Costco and The National Institute of Mental Health have united to wage a global war on high-flying excitement and gravity-defying freestyle motocross stunts (GWOHFEAGDFMS). What’s next? Are they going to ban the 15 liter jar of pepperocinis?

Lindsleys of the Day: Courtesy of this clothing company spotted by Lindsor during her trip to Bainbridge Island.

Let us ignore the ridiculously miniature diapers or the prospect of having a hand so large that it could hold all of these items at once. Instead, I would like to appreciate along with all other men the absurd notion that the airplane toilet seat actually stays up on its own.

Danger: slitting your wrists is not an effective or speedy way to kill yourself in this scenario.

Private dining establishments throughout Newark, DE, have started rigorously enforcing a Smoke-Free policy after several charred ring fingers and pinkies were found in their entrees.

The city of Boston has a number of these garbage cans placed conveniently throughout the city just in case you decide to remove a large chunk of your midsection.

One solution might be to raise the damn water level. Still, it’s probably not a good idea to be diving into any water when your head is known to emit bolts of electricity.

MG: I’m sorry you had to read my journal to find this out.

Ever morning during my traverse to work, I use this crosswalk. In an effort to cut down on my commute time, I typically ignore the “Do Not Walk” sign, instead using the cement median as my safety island as I dart through traffic. Literally, every time I stand in the medium, I hold on to the very same street sign that is now smashed against the ground after enduring a head-on collision. I have since changed my walking strategy.

“Do not approach or feed wildlife your severed and minced hands, right arm, feet, neck, and hair.”

The Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority (WMATA) has taken numerous steps to ensure customer safety, and many experts consider them a national leader in transit system safety. This weekend, the WMATA will unveil the newest in metro crime prevention technology: a giant crime-sensing fly-swatter that, when sensing an imminent crime, can swoop down at lightning speeds, lifting assailants into the air with such incredible force that their head is instantly seperated from their torso. Security cameras are also being installed at select metro stations.

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Did you know that 9 out of 10 people need a new mattress? Hi, I’m Neil at the Leeds Mattress stores, and I want to take out the confusion of buying your next new mattress. You’ve seen Sealy including Posturepedics advertised elsewhere at $599… I’ll show you the same mattress in my store for only $399. Leeds makes your financing easy, and all our mattress sets include frame AND delivery. So come see me or call “Neil with the Deal” at the Leeds Mattress store. I won’t be beat!

* Bourne Redundancy of the Day: Courtesy of this university university college that Richard, Andy, and I spotted before the Cardinals-Ravens game.

* Bourne Redundancy of the Day: Courtesy of this sign at the Washington DC Zoo.

The National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is the largest scientific organization in the world dedicated to research focused on the understanding, treatment, and prevention of mental disorders and the promotion of mental health. They are also the largest scientific organization to oppose high-flying excitement and gravity-defying freestyle motocross stunts.

* Bun of the Day: Courtesy of this display in a Sky Harbor Airport vendor’s cart.

* Ridiculous Sign of the Day: Then why is it a door? Provided courtesy of the Spencer lab.

This weekend, a bunch of the AZ gang (now dispersed throughout the southwestern United States) met up in Las Vegas for a weekend of sin and debauchery. I won’t bore you by parceling up the various activities into their respective “sin” and “debauchery” categories, as there is generally a spectrum of behavior that involves a combination of the two. Instead, I will post this picture that Roger sent to me using his new digital camera/cell phone combination. While this is undoubtedly the most important picture taken during the weekend, the rest will probably be posted on Brandon’s website sometime in the near future. I’ll make sure to direct everyone there when the time is right.

As you can clearly see from the billboard, Danny Gans was recently named “Entertainer of the Year” performing in what is apparently the “Show of the Year”. What you can’t see beneath those quotes, however, is that it was Danny Gans himself providing the compliments. Initially, Roger and I found this to be an interesting phenomenon: the star of a one-man show providing his own critical acclaim? Well, it actually seems pretty logical. What better way to avoid negative reviews?! Indeed, we’ve now come to expect this type of self-promoting strategy from Mr. Gans. Take, for instance, the advertisement posted in the Las Vegas Newspaper:

Unfortunately, Roger and I haven’t been able to find tickets to a live Danny Gans show. It’s our understanding that tickets don’t just fall into one’s lap. You have to be among the elite few or privy to an enormous stroke of luck. Danny is not just a comedian or a simple musician. He is a artist, a jack of all trades, a Renaissance Man. He combines humor, music, ventriloquism, and theatrics, to bring his audience amazing imitations and parodies of other famous entertainers. In fact, of all the performers who don’t generate any original material but instead spend their entire careers emulating others, Danny Gans is a god. He is the true meaning of “spectacle”.

If you are particularly interested in Danny Gans–and, chances are you can’t find tickets to his live show–we suggest you check out any number of his past performances now available in stunning VHS format. Some of Roger and my favorite’s include Danny Gans in:

Star Gans: Attack of the Gans
Gansmoke
Gansbusters
The Lawmower Gans
The Ganstrix Reloaded
Agansnaphobia
Gans with the Wind
The Gansfather
Top Gans
Jurassic Gans
Gans to the Future III
Lord of the Gans: The Gans of the Ring
Spidergans
Black Hawk Gans

* Movie Quote of the Day: “I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

Well, Joy and I are all moved in to the new apartment! (and by “moved in”, I mean that our TV is in the middle of the living room on the floor, we have no couch, no coffee-table, no dining room table or chairs, no decorations up, no DSL, and no Cable TV) Very exciting. Yesterday, I was taking the elevator to our floor when I came across a peculiar sign. Given that the sign is supposed to relax us in the event of door failures, it seems like an odd strategy to then present us with two horrifying scenarios of our own death. A logical analysis of the situation would never lead one’s thought process from “door isn’t opening” to “opening scene of Speed” , unless of course we are reminded of the possibility. Further, it seems random and completely useless to provide us with these scenarios if they aren’t going to happen, which leads me to believe that they have in fact happened before. Again, not very reassuring. To make matters worse, there is a chance you won’t even be provided with a phone to call the emergency response team. So, basically, if the doors fail to open, and assuming you aren’t flattened by a 4-story drop or sophicated to death, you somehow have to be “lucky” enough to be provided with a means of communicating with the outside world. “Do not be alarmed” . Come on. The fact the sign is there in the first place is cause for alarm. Also, if they don’t want us to be “alarmed” then why do you have to push the “alarm” buttom. Shouldn’t you have to push the “relax” button or the “no big deal” button? And, really, who are the people that initially complained about the lack of sign? For the author to include these ridiculous scenarios, someone must have been very concerned about the possibility of falling uncontrollably or sophicating. Did they consult with the elevator authorities to make sure that the sign would be accurate? And, what happens now that the sign is up? If the elevator doors stop working, the situation is exactly the same as it was before the sign. They are still in an elevator and the doors still won’t open. Do they take comfort in the sign being there, even though it is arbitrary and irrelevant to the situation in the first place? They could have said “There is little danger of you instantaneously combusting or your face melting off like at the end of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark” and at least then we could take some comfort in knowing that these scenarios are very unlikely. But, clearly, any bit of “danger”, even a “little danger”, is not something you want to be reminding people of just because the damn elevator doors are not opening right away.

And, as the subject of this journal entry indicated, this is going to be a “brief report”. There will be many more terribly uninteresting moving-in stories in the near future, so just sit tight.

* Jill D. Quote of the Day: “I feel barfy.”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “I gotta go to the bathroom daddy! Not now damnit!”

Today marked the end of another fun-filled spring break in California. Once again, I decided to pass on the Lake Havasu or Cancun “Naked Fests”, and instead, spend some time relaxing in “So Cal” with family and friends. By the way, the chances of me ever saying “So Cal” again are about zero, so cherish this moment if you so desire.

Mom and I had a wonderful time together in LA this week. We started off by meeting with her sister (my aunt) Carol for breakfast on Thursday morning, and then broke off for an afternoon of mother-son reflection time in Santa Monica. The weather was how do you say, PERFECT, and with the usual variety of street performers doing their thing, it was a nice mix of relaxation and entertainment. To cap off the night, we saw “The Quiet American”, the movie that landed Michael Cain a Best Actor nomination. Funny how he was neither quiet nor an American in the film, and thus by simple laws of deduction, he was not a “quiet American” either.

Anecdote #1: Our one big goal was to see the protesters who spend their weekends on the corner of Wilshire and Veteran parading in front of the Los Angles Federal Building. On the way to the airport, there was a huge rally going on, and I thought it would be a great idea to get a picture to post on the journal/website. Of course, anyone who knows my mom knows that when you combine moving vehicles and split second decision making involving new technology–in this case, my digital camera–the chances of success decrease dramatically. I’m sorry to say I won’t have any protest pictures to show today because MG mistakenly had the camera facing the wrong direction as she took the shot. Instead, we are left with this lovely picture of me maneuvering brilliantly in my Accord.

Anecdote #2: I’ve been to LAX five times in the past week (for Brandon, Pejman twice, Erling, and Marygrace), and every single time I enter I can’t help but laugh hysterically at this bizarre billboard. I can’t figure it out. Is the bear applying for an account? Or is the bear taking the man’s money to buy things? Either way, anyone familiar with grizzly bear attacks knows that this man will definitely need his money to pay for the medical bills he’ll incur after the bear smashes his skull in with one swift blow. I guess I couldn’t blame the guy if he falls into the bear’s trap… just look at that innocent little smile the bear has. Ahhhh

With Spring Break over, I should have a more regular schedule of journal and webpage updates. In case you’re keeping track, we are scheduled to take a second quarter of neural systems, and weekly journal club, and our usual rotation lab work.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “We’d have more luck playing pick-up sticks with our butt-cheeks than we will getting a flight out of here before daybreak.”