Parents shopping on a shoe-string budget should check out their local Toys R Us.  Sales as high as one cent are providing big savings for families and sending ripples through the high-chair manufacturing industry.  Don’t miss out on this amazing SuperBuy! Thanks to Jodi for spotting this.

This Viagra commercial — perhaps the worst commercial in the history of the world besides the dancing Prilosec OTC lady commercial — warns that Viagra may result in chest pain, nausea, or other discomforts during sex, erections lasting more than 4 hours, a sudden decrease or loss of vision or hearing, an unsafe drop in blood pressure, headaches, facial flushing, upset stomach, bluish vision, blurred vision, and sensitivity to light.

Comprehensive. And, yet, all of these side effects really seem secondary to the fact that this man is engaged in a dialogue about erectile dysfunction with an interactive reflection of himself.

To mark the 40th anniversary of the Internets, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has announced the DARPA Network Challenge, a competition that will explore the role of social networking in communication, team building, and group mobilization. The challenge is to be the first person to submit the locations of 10 8-foot, red, weather balloons at 10 fixed locations in the continental United States.

Here’s how it works: The red balloons will be deployed on Saturday, December 5, in readily accessible locations and visible from nearby roads. Teams and collaborators will have approximately 9 days, until 12:00 PM (ET) on December 14, to collect the locations of the balloons and submit their entries.  All locations must be submitted in latitude and longitude coordinates. The event is open to individuals of all ages irrespective of nationality or residency (except Federal employees and their spouses and dependents), but first you must register your team on  the DARPA Network Challenge website.

Find the red balloons. Win $40,000. Do you have what it takes to be the next Balloon Boy/Girl?

Ian is in the band, Deville. He also looks like this statue of Caeser, which gained considerable poularity after Laura mimed it in Caesar’s Palace. There is pretty much nothing else about Ian that I would like you to know at this point.

In August, Brandon Skar of Snoqualmie, WA, systematically destroyed all of my Super Mario Kart Records on Twin Galaxies. I’ve chipped away at his efforts with five new World Records, but there is still a long way to go before The Quest is complete. I will try to post some of my record-setting runs on the YouTubes when I get a chance.

Click on these links to be impressed by my accomplishments:

Ghost Valley 1 – Fastest Race

Ghost Valley 1 – Fastest Lap

Ghost Valley 2 – Fastest Lap

Donut Plains 1 – Fastest Race

Donut Plains 1 – Fastest Lap

If Windows 7 was our idea, does that mean Microsoft is going to blame us when it sucks? Are we also responsible for this unbearable series of commercials? What about Vista or the Zune – were those our fault too ?

This Pepsi commercial starring Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey is perhaps my favorite commercial of all time for reasons that include but are not limited to:

1. The background music, “Steamline” by Newton, comes with a mandatory 10-day period in which one cannot stop whistling the tune.

2. Jimmy Fallon’s dance moves look exactly how my dance moves would look if I were dancing through a crowded city street. Ironically, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to emulate his elbow maneuver at the :59 mark and have yet to figure it out. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible. Seriously, try it. Impossible.

If my feet could have nightmares, they would pretty much look like the Crocs store in Pittsburgh International Airport.

This morning, I saw a band of toddlers being led through the streets of Alexandria while connected to a long rope.

For the record, I wouldn’t exactly consider myself a child development expert, but there was something about the less-than-voluntary nature of this arrangement that profoundly disturbed me. The kids weren’t simply connected to the rope; their wrists were tied to it. Nine out of the 10 kids were crying hysterically. I don’t think the remaining child had yet realized that being tied to other children isn’t normal.

Am I missing something?  Is this is a an effective, time-honored parenting tradition, an avant-garde training strategy, or just plain bonkers?

Last week, I had the opportunity to meet and attend a talk given by David Meerman Scott, marketing guru and author of “The New Rules of Marketing and PR”. I had actually just read his book several months ago, so the core principles of the discussion were familiar. However, many of the examples he used to demonstrate creative and effective communications strategies were completely new to me.

One these examples was the “Will It Blend?” campaign by the blender manufacturer, BlendTec. In this series of videos, the company’s CEO, Tom Dickson, dons a white labcoat and puts his standard blender to the test with a variety of random objects, including an iPhone (above video). It’s a simple, essentially free marketing campaign that has apparently sent sales through the roof.

I need to do something like this for my ScienceCheerleader special reports — any ideas?

This summer, I attended a series of Congressional briefings, “The Road to the New Energy Economy”, which brought together scientists and policymakers to discuss the various energy challenges facing our nation. One of these briefings focused on emerging biofuel technology, and I managed to score some behind-the-scenes interviews with the events’ sponsors and speakers. The above video, produced for ScienceCheerleader.com, contains some of that footage, my now-famous shorts and labcoat combo, and a little Princess Ladyfriend for good measure.

I hope you enjoy it!

I’ll leave it up to you to decide which is most ridiculous: the jeans with no belt, the cell phone and pager on the swimming suit while BBQing, or every other aspect of these damn Cenegenics advertisements.

Don’t worry. You are simply witnessing an illusion created through forced perspective and innovative optical imaging technology. Marty is still the tallest singular entity in the universe.

One of my favorite memories from our recent trip to St. Louis was visiting Citygarden, a downtown oasis full of lush plantings and impressive sculptures, which, in addition to a system of 102 water fountains known as “Splash Plaza” (aka “hookworm central”, in the background), features a 14′ 7-1/2″ painted bronze statue of Pinocchio that is perfect for public miming.

When I arrived in Pittsburgh to watch the NFL draft with Dr. Brian/Josh, I noticed a glaring juxtaposition at the Pittsburgh International Airport. In the lobby, there stood a statue of George Washington, the father of our country and one hell of a model American. Next to him? A statue of Franco Harris as he appeared during the Immaculate Reception, perhaps the most famous play in football history besides every play made by the Arizona Cardinals.

Is this juxtaposition worthy of Bioephemera’s long-running “Juxtaposition” series? How many more times can I say juxtaposition before people starting getting uncomfortable? These questions and more will be covered in the next edition of JuxtapositionFest 2009.

When AnHUGE and I volunteered for Servathon 2009, we weren’t thinking about individual recognition or accolades. We were thinking about America’s youth and their right to an enriching educational experience. But, I suppose when you dedicate a single Saturday morning each year to cleaning and painting elementary school bathrooms, you’re bound to inspire at least one piece of public art. This year, our commitment to teamwork, excellence, and yellow-green doors led to this beautiful artwork on the Wilbur J. Cohen Building (across from the Air and Space Museum).

What will we inspire next year?

I’m proud to announce the first episode in an original video series that I’m producing for Science Cheerleader.com, a blog that promotes public involvement in science and builds awareness around important science policy issues. The project took shape this March when I met Science Cheerleader at the South by Southwest Interactive conference in Austin. After her panel, Back Off Man, I’m a Scientist: User-Generated Discovery, we discussed a number of possibilities for creatively engaging her audience and encouraging them to participate in science projects, including a video series that would “show by doing”.

In each episode, I will be taking part in local citizen science projects, interviewing volunteers and project administrators, and reporting back on my experiences. Armed with a bottom-tier HD camcorder, whichever friend I can con into holding the camera, and virtually no audio/visual editing skills, I hope to demonstrate first-hand just how easy and fun science can be. Am I up to the challenge?

This first adventure with Casey Trees relied entirely on the steady camera work of Jackie Marks, several hours of audio/visual production training providing by my Uncle Rob, and the glorious music of Princess Ladyfriend. It was a true team effort, and I think we did a great job representing Casey Trees and their efforts to restore and protect the Washington DC tree canopy.

Science Cheerleader has quite a web presence. You can find her on ScienceCheerleader.com, Twitter, and her Facebook group, Open the OTA with Citizen Input, which is part of a larger effort to encourage Congress to reopen the Office of Technology Assessment.

Bigfoots and cherry blossoms aren’t the only highlights of springtime in our nation’s capitol. Spring also marks another year of Casey Trees community tree planting events, part of the organization’s larger effort to restore, enhance, and protect the District’s tree canopy.

As Citizen Forester’s, Jenny and I are trained in techniques critical for maintaining urban tree health and ensuring tree survival. This includes choosing the appropriate species and planting site, mulching and watering, and proper tool use and safety.

However, knowledge and skill aren’t the only keys to being a successful Citizen Forester. Self-confidence and positive-thinking also play an important role. Above, Jenny and I pretend our shovels are normal sized and that our muscles are just really huge. Four hours of this behavior can induce a rather inflated sense of grandeur. And there is nothing better for trees than an inflated sense of grandeur.

We do it for the trees. Everything else is a bonus.

While we were disappointed that our match was cancelled, we were thrilled to pick up our swanky teal team t-shirts. That’s right: TEAL. Become familiar. It is the color of inevitability. The color of your doom.

DC Bocce League: mark your calendars for June 13, the DC Bocce Spring Championship. There will be a Tea(l)bagging party, and everyone is invited.

(cue extended maniacle laughter)

You’re invited.

When Lindsor, Michael, and I saw this BigFoot Awareness Week sign on 16th street, we went completely out of our way to capture its strange and unusual orientation. Why would this Bigfoot be positioned at a 45 degree angle? Was it falling backwards? Were we falling forward? This meant something. This was important.

Over the next couple of weeks, I explored notions both logical and irrational, physical and celestial, and then I watched like 12 straight episodes of that “Warriors” show on The History Channel and completely forgot what I pondering.

Fast forward to right now, and I just realized that the Bigfoot is actually positioned on the sign as normal. A construction worker must have tilted the sign before adding the arrow, and then through some process of deduction, decided that it was more important that the arrow was flush to the horizontal.

Ah ha! Mystery solved.

Shameless word play involving the word “twitter” is not the only way to get quoted on the homepage. Brilliance is also an option.

Jenny and I were recently discussing potential events that could ruin the Presidential Inauguration weekend. We came up with two. One was the Cardinals losing to the Eagles in the NFC Championship. This did not happen. The other event was the sudden, unexplainable destruction of the famous U Street Pull-up Tree. This happened.

Inauguration weekend ruined. I mean, I’m still going, but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters without the Pull-up Tree.

There are many awkward scenes in this episode including but not limited to: every scene involving Mario Lopez and this strange slow-motion version of Nurse Jennifer undoing her hair for Zack.

Reporter: What does the Vice President do?

Sarah Palin: They’re in charge of the US Senate, so if they want to they can really get in there with the Senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family his classroom.

No, the Vice President is not in charge of the US Senate, and the Vice President most certainly does not make any policy changes that will make life better for anyone. At least, that’s what the Constitution says: “The Vice President of the United States shall be President of the Senate, but shall have no Vote, unless they be equally divided.” (Article 1, Section 3) Even the US Senate website claims that the Vice President now “presides over the Senate only on ceremonial occasions”. Wow.

Just a reminder: if elected, this individual would have access to our nuclear launch codes.

Function: noun

1 a: a handheld device that aids in accomplishing a task, b (1): the cutting or shaping part in a machine (2): a machine for shaping metal

2 a: something (as an instrument or apparatus) used in performing an operation or necessary in the practice of a vocation or profession, b: an element of a computer program that activates and controls a particular function, c: a means to an end, d: often vulgar

3: one that is used or manipulated by another

Don’t kid yourself. This is simply an illusion created through forced perspective and innovative optical imaging technology. Marty is still the tallest singular entity in the universe.

Richard and I laughed at this for about twenty minutes tonight.

On Friday, I visited the National Library of Medicine to unveil the much-anticipated plans for my “No American Left Behind Act”.

Today, I fulfilled my longstanding commitment to the National Press Club and appeared as keynote speaker at their International Climate Change Consortium (ICCC). My lecture focused on the challenges facing researchers, as well the specific policy implications of global warming and climate change. As usual, I employed the Socratic Method during my lecture and of course wore my Official Cardinals Season Ticket Holder Lanyard. I even broke out Richard and my new favorite Cardinals’ pun, “He probably had a lot more than Breaston his mind during that punt return”, which was received with moderate applause and laughter.

I’ve only been in Washington DC for a month, but I have already begun steadily moving up the political hierarchy. Today, I gave the first in a series of lectures to the National Academy of Sciences. Here, I am describing my thoughts on a new global initiative for developing a functional form of animal currency. You should have seen the look of horror on their faces.

If Carlos Ramirez and his penchant for placing my head onto 17th century British monarchs think so, then it’s good enough for me.