Please join me in congratulating this year’s duo of OscarFest Champions: first-time winner Allison Hawley and second-time winner Eric Doty. In a feat that can only be described as “ridiculous”, Allison and Eric scored a ridiculous 19 correct picks out of 24. Seriously?

Visit OscarFest 2011 to see how you stacked up against all 138 participants. You’re sure to find at least a few friends who did worse than you.

Thanks to several generous contributions, $235 will be donated in the Champions’ names to 1n10, a non-profit organization dedicated to serving and assisting lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning youth. Allison and Eric may have earned the OscarFest crown (and complimentary OscarFest Snuggie), but, in the end, we are all winners.

Thanks again for taking part in the greatest and best OscarFest the world has ever seen… EVER! (until next year)

OscarFest 2011 is back and better than ever!  Thanks to Eric, we have a great new multi-functional OscarFest website, and, thanks to Arlene, my head has once again been plopped seamlessly onto a shiny Oscar statue. Let’s get down to business!

Haven’t see any movies? Don’t worry! OscarFest is so easy a child could do it. In fact, we regularly have infants who score better than their parents simply by mashing their hands about the keyboard. Now THAT is bonkers!

Here is how you participate:

1. Register if you’re new or log in using your email address from last year.
2. Make your picks by Sunday February 27 at 8pm eastern.
3. Join our Facebook Fan Page.

Even if you don’t win, I promise that you will enjoy identifying those who did worse than you and mocking them at future social events.

If that isn’t enough incentive, we’re donating $70 (and growing) in the Champion’s name to 1n10, a non-profit organization dedicated to serving and assisting lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and questioning (LGBTQ) youth. It’s an effort to have fun and help people.

Visit OscarFest and see what everyone (~34 people) are talking about!

I recently watched Troll 2.

No offense to Shakes the Clown, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Two Idiots in Hollywood, The Guyver, Talent for the Game, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Glitter, Kazaam, Leonard Part 6, Street Fighter, Cop & 1/2, Mr. Nanny, Crossroads, Gone Fishin’, Bio-Dome, Batman and Robin, any of the Kevin Smith movies except Zack and Miri Make a Porno, all of the Leprechaun movies, and most Jean Claude Van Damme movies, but Troll 2 is definitely the worst movie I have ever seen.

I would recommend gathering several of your best friends and watching this movie as soon as possible.

Here are my top 10 favorite  films of 2009.  Interesting how Moon and 500 Days of Summer weren’t nominated for any Oscars. Hmmm……

1. Moon

2. 500 Days of Summer

3. The Hurt Locker

4. Inglorious Bastards

5. Michael Jackson’s This Is It

6. White Ribbon

7. Up in the Air

8. In the Loop

9. District 9

10. I Love You Man

Are you a friend of mine or even a colleague that I kind of know a little? If so, vote in OscarFet 2010, the Greatest and Best Oscar Pick’em Contest in the World. It’s easy and fun. Just visit http://oscarfest.com, create an account, and make your picks. You can leave a comment, which probably won’t even get screened beforehand. Amazing!

http://oscarfest.com

You have until 8pm eastern on March 7, 2010, to cast your votes!

Yes, it’s happening! OscarFest is back and better than ever. Stay tuned…

(click banner for full size)

One of my favorite aspects of the new iPhone 3GS is the video recorder, which I’ve demonstrated in this glorious movie of the St. Louis Arch. You can even discard extraneous footage on the fly using the “trim” feature and then upload movies straight to YouTube for public consumption. It’s yet another way to alert stalkers about your current whereabouts. Note to self: rotate iPhone 90 degrees when capturing video.

My grandmother’s dog Molly, left, and Falcor from The Neverending Story

I think Falcor was probably immortal, yet Molly looks far older. In a future entry we’ll discuss Falcor and the vast array of disturbing characters from The Neverending Story, as well as the inherently disturbing notion of a neverending story.

Ten points to anyone who can sing any single line from The Neverending Story’s theme song.

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

The creators of Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter marketed their film by suggesting that this would be the last opportunity to experience ultimate terror at the hands of Jason Voorhees, everybody’s favorite hockey mask-wearing, forest-dwelling, deformed face-having, mass murdering loner. They lied. But, I will keep my promise. This is the last Friday the 13th Fest entry. I can no longer justify wasting any of my time watching these predictable crapfests.

The Final Chapter is nothing more than a collection of inconsistencies, implausibilities, and nonsensical plot twists so ridiculous that even M. Night Shyamalan couldn’t make them worse. Some evidence:

• The film starts out with the now expected recap of events from the previous film. Unfortunately, this recap wasn’t like that of Karate Kid II, which offered highlights from the All Valley Karate Tournament ta the end of The Karate Kid. That recap actually helped us revisit the emotions we felt as Daniel beat Johnny at the film’s conclusion. For The Final Chapter, they literally Ctrl-C/Ctrl-V’d the entire end of Friday the 13th: Part III as if nobody would notice.

• After starting The Final Chapter with another viewing of Jason’s “death” from Friday the 13th: Part III, we follow his body to the hospital–wait, why are they taking his dead body to the hospital!? Are they going to unkill him?

• A necrophiliac doctor refers to a female corpse as still being attractive and then solicits sex from a nurse by asking her to meet him in the “cold room”. What demographic is this kind of humor targeting?

• A bunch of kids drive by a headstone on the side of the road. It reads “Pamela Voorhees” (Jason’s mother). Who on earth would bury this mass murderer in a clearly visible headstone on the side of the road?

• In the one-sheet above, where does the blood come from if the mask isn’t on a face when someone stabbed it through the eye hole?

• The Final Chapter stars a young Crispin Glover, who inadvertently managed to be just as creepy as he was in his later films, and Corey Feldman, the most famous of the half dozen famous Coreys of the 1980′s, and it was still the worst entry in the series (so far).

• There is a sequence about halfway through the movie when Crispin Glover does a strange, robotic dance routine. It was the only scary part of the movie. It gave me nightmares for a week. I still can’t figure out if his dancing was absolutely horrible or if it was really good in 1980′s dance terms.

• Everyone seems to be wearing La Coste polo shirts. When did these shirts become so expensive?

• Of course, there are two more skinny dipping scenes full of 80s boobs and butts.

• Toward the end, Corey Feldman’s character is told to run away from the house while his sister tries to kill Jason. Instead of running, he inexplicably goes to the bathroom, trims and then shaves off his hair to varying levels of success, and transforms himself into something that ultimately inspired Peter Jackson’s version of Gollum. There is absolutely no explanation for why he does this, and must frustrating of all, this strategy somehow distracts Jason long enough for Feldman’s sister to kill Jason.

That’s all I have to say. I will leave you with this final image of Gollum 1.0 and 2.0. The Final Chapter was my final attempt to develop some kind of appreciation for the Friday the 13th series, but it’s just not going to happen. There are many, much better movies to watch, including but not limited to: Bebe’s Kids, Shakes the Clown, Sweet Home Alabama, any of the Air Bud movies, and the entire Land Before Time series. I’d even throw in The Dark Knight (aka Badman II) but only for posterity.

Friday the 13th: Part III

The creators of Friday the 13th: Part III believed so strongly in their heaping pile of suckiness that they even added a third dimension of suckiness: depth. Woooo. Yes, Friday the 13th: Part III was released to audiences in glorious early 1980′s 3-D. “You too can be stabbed in the gut by a forest-dwelling lunatic named Jason!” was their tagline. How could a moviegoer possibly turn down that opportunity?

Unfortunately, the filmmakers forgot to add the most important dimension of all: a point. Yes, the movie had the familiar group of sex crazed, 1980′s-looking 1980′s youths causing mischief in the forest. Yes, it had three local “gangsters” who must have filmed their roles after walking right off the set of the Beat It music video. Yes, it had the same maniacal, deformed killer roaming the woods in silence, stabbing or crushing to death anything that moved. Yes, it featured a death scene in which Jason embeds a machete in the face a wheelchair-bound youth and sends him crashing down a flight of stairs. But why?

Why is Jason killing everyone? He never had a relationship with his mother, who, in Friday the 13th Part I, killed everyone “in Jason’s honor” because she thought he drowned as a child. But he didn’t drown. If he and his mother had been in contact throughout his life, one might infer that Jason’s bloodlust is an expression of grief after his mother’s death. However, he and his mother didn’t know about each other until somewhere between Friday the 13th I and II. I can understand him being upset to have his mother die shortly after being reunited. However, the reality is that his mother was also a barbarian, and she deserved to have her head lopped off by a machete.

Why are his face and head so deformed? He nearly drowned but didn’t. Somehow, he survived by himself in the woods through adolescence and into adulthood. That may account for his warped views of the world, but it doesn’t explain why he can’t speak or why he looks like a cross between the soldier who opened the Arc of the Covenant in Raiders of the Lost Arc, Sloth from The Goonies, and Fire Marshall Bill from In Living Color.

Why does Jason wear the hockey mask? If he is going to kill everyone who sees him, it shouldn’t matter whether they see his face or not. In fact, his strange appearance might actually scare them more, which would help in killing them. Let’s take a step back and examine why there was even a hockey mask in the first place. It makes no sense that a character would have packed an ice hockey mask to attend a summer camp.

Why didn’t they make a spin-off series for the prankster character who originally brought the hockey mask? I thought his staged death pranks throughout the movie were actually more frightening than the death scenes involving Jason. Update: it might have been his hair and acting that frightened me most.

Why has Jason progressively grown in size and developed a set of specialized killing capabilities? If Jason was left to raise himself in the forest, how did he nourish himself to such excess that he grew to be 8 feet tall and have super-human strength? In one scene, he crushes picks up a grown man by the head and crushes his skull. In another, he stabs one of the 80s gangster characters with a pitchfork so hard that the character dies while hanging on the wall. One of my favorite scenes is when Jason shoots some kind of harpoon from 50 yards and nails his victim right in her eye. How would he be that accurate of a shooter? Why would they have a harpoon at a summer camp?

What’s the deal with the opening scene? In the opening scene, we are introduced to an entirely unlikable old couple. The situation completely deteriorates when the man decides to make a #2 run to the bathroom. As the man is doing his business, he sees something move outside, and without taking the generally accepted sanitary steps, he decides to investigate. Let me remind you at this point: this is all being filmed. It’s part of the movie. From an aerial perspective, the camera then flashes back to the toilet, which is completely empty–not even water! Why was this part of the movie????

So many questions, so few answers. That doesn’t mean I was totally unsatisfied. After all, I finally found out the origins of the hockey mask–Jason picks it up randomly and puts it on toward the end of the movie. It’s not at all important to the plot, and the hockey mask’s place in popular culture was obviously unintentional. I can’t imagine the writers saying, “Hey, we got this terrible movie–how can we ensure another 20 years of crappy but lucrative movies, games, and accessories? A hockey mask! It’s almost too easy.”

This movie was a total disaster. Friday the 13th Part IV: The Final Chapter is up next. We know it’s not really the final movie, but it stars both Crispin Glover and Corey Feldman. Quite the duo.

Friday the 13th: Part II

After enjoying the not entirely terrible original Friday the 13th, I was actually looking forward to seeing the first of 11 sequels, if only to get one step closer to finding out how the darn hockey mask is worked into the series. I was once again let down. No hockey mask. No explanations. No flashback scenes of a young Jason putting up his favorite Wayne Gretsky poster. No hockey mask-related insight whatsoever.

In fact, this movie provided virtually nothing of value at any point. A few examples:

• A few minutes into the movie, we are introduced to a stereotypical 80s-looking guy who has rigged some sort of rudimentary slingshot that he employs with such precision that from 50 feet he is able to strike a stereotypical 80s-looking girl right in butt. Maybe this was standard 1981 behavior.
• Later, this same 80s guy steals the same 80s girl’s clothes from the shore while she is inexplicably skinny dipping in the middle of the night. When she returns to find 80s guy holding her clothes, she conveniently uses her arms to cover her chest but not her naked lower anatomy. Curious. She then chases 80s guy into the woods, and ultimately, to his doom, when he is randomly captured in some kind of rope booby trap, which Jason later uses to easy slit his throat. What?
• Friday the 13th: Part II takes place five years after the original events at Camp Crystal Lake, enough time for extreme weather variations to ravage the nation. Though the aforementioned 80s-looking girl is able to most comfortably swim under the moonlight, just a day earlier she and her 80s-looking peers huddled around a campfire wearing long pants and heavy jackets.

The biggest problem with Friday the 13th Part II is that it already follows its own formulaic formula: we are introduced to a group of sex-crazed counselors heading to summer camp; we are forced to endure obscene levels of blonde-haired men; an anonymous lunatic finds creative ways to kill unsuspecting 80s-looking camp counselors; cars won’t start during chase sequences; Jason is revealed as the lunatic; Jason somehow has supernatural, demonic powers that allow him to be almost entirely invincible except for a little-known susceptibility to the classic kick to the groin area; one random girl survives by running into an attic and finding a random chainsaw that somehow doesn’t require a power supply of any kind to turn on; Jason “dies”, I guess, leaving a trail of dead 80s-looking youths behind, and the lone surviving girl suffers a lifetime of post-traumatic stress. Cue bad music.

Friday the 13th Part II only slightly advances the story of Jason Voorhies, but it was enough to keep me interested in the ending. Once I realized there wasn’t going to be a hockey mask, I had only knowledge that the ending must come to keep me going. I knew from the start that all but one person was going to survive, so there was no point investing in any of the characters. They were all idiots anyway. I spent half the movie writing this Journal entry while people were murdered in the background.

No hockey mask. No story advances. No Kevin Bacon.

Friday the 13th Part II, I award you no points. I’m still watching the next sequel, though. Buh.

Devon: I will win!

Marygrace: I can hardly wait to come in 80th this year!

Jessica: I am ashamed to say I have only seen one of these films. OK – I just watched Oktapodi. Now I’ve seen two! At any rate, if I do well at all, it will be because I am able to assess a film’s chance of winning based entirely on how angsty the actors look in a 40 pixel screenshot, how “serious” the color palette looks, and how pretentious the title of the film sounds. That’s MY winning algorithm – utter ignorance making snap judgments, all the way!

Beth: I only saw the Dark Knight, Ironman and Wall-e…how sad is that?

Karl: I will finish dead last in this since I know virtually nothing about any of these films. GO CARDINALS SUPER BOWL CHAMPS

Maral: Write-in candidates next time, dood.

Marina: Thanks for the opportunity to play!

Bardia: GO WALL-E

Patrick: Like last year, this is a shot in the dark since I’ve seen exactly none of these movies…

Ellie: Brangelina mania is already too out of control, so I truly hope neither member of the pretty pair gets picked.

Joan: John, I’m afraid I’m going to have a nightmare tonight after seeing your head on top of Oscar’s body! It’s kinda freaky! Go Sean Penn!
Geoff: Half these movies I haven’t seen. Guess I’m relying on a little luck here…

Alyson: Let’s DO this!!!

Mike: I have no idea what some of these movies are…so i guessed.

Gita: Thanks John

Dane: Film V.S. DIGI.

Oggie: I’m hoping I have at least one correct answer.

Grandmar Barbieri: Hi, Dr. John, I plan to win this time!

Gene: Going for broke yet again. Hopefully, I can hit the big zero this year. Failure is the only option! And no – I WILL NOT WATCH THE OSCARS NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU PAY ME!

Carla: It’s a crapshoot!

Lisa: Victory will be mine by the Power of Grayskull!

Theo: Somehow, somewhere, I smell an upset. I don’t know how; I don’t know where. But it’s in the air.

Tim: Nice work, Jono!

Grammy: I am a sure winner!

Kathy: I feel REALLY good about 7 of my choices.

Frank: I never win anything, maybe I will get the golden Oscar this year.

Anna: I’m pretty sure this is the crappiest ballot EVER!

Mark: I admit it’ll be hard to repeat this year – I’ve included way too many sentimental choices…

Brian/Josh: I can foresee no possible situation where I do not win.

Dave: Movies may be the entertainment king of today, but tomorrow will be the paddleball’s day in the sun.

Mary: Hope to be enjoying Oscar night with your mom!

Roger: I guarantee that I win. If not I will double your money. Please send me all of it.

Karen: I hope you’re doing well. Thanks for keeping the OscarFest alive!

Michael : I’m sure I failed big time! 2005 was my year!!!

Jen: One of these days, I will reign again.

The Pejman: Cardinals!

Songlin: Have fun!

Pedrom: This is my year!

Tim: Why am I not nominated on any of these lists?

Jerry: Greetings to all you movie lovers out there. For the 2nd consecutive year I am attempting to be voted Miss Congeniality of the Oscars. Could this be my year?

Ashwini: Thanks John!

Mark: Saw VI wasn’t nominated?

Steve: Just hand me the winning papers.

Jemal: I voted everything Slumdog…. but I’m really mad still that Wall-E wasn’t in Best Picture… HONK!

Jamie: these are the best GUESSES I could come up with

Sarah: Emily made me do it…

Drew: He’s towering over everybody!

Sarah: But we’re all winners just for being nominated…and why yes, I am wearing Chanel, but my swag bag goes to your charity Ohab!

Megan: I haven’t seen most of these movies, so if I do well it’s purely a stroke of luck…

Jag: Good job!

Tim: Hopefully, I beat random test picks this year!

Matt: Betting big on Benjamin. Could be a good bet, could be horribly wrong.

Eric: I haven’t seen any of these movies!

Friday the 13th: Part I

The original Friday the 13th was an obvious response to John Carpenter’s Halloween, which two years earlier became one of the most profitable independent films of all time. Halloween is credited by many as giving rise to the modern slasher flick through its use of the 1st-person camera angle, ridiculous scenarios, and female heroines. All of these components are present in Friday the 13th, except at amateur level and always involving graphic death scenes, a contrast to the minimal amount of blood and gore in the original Halloween.

The violent death scenes were actually a central point of what was, for about 90% of the film, a pretty boring plot. The deaths weren’t scary or mildly realistic, but at the very least, it was clear that the director didn’t want them to be humorous. This provided some reprieve from trying not to laugh at a younger but eerily similar-looking Kevin Bacon, the abundance of half-naked women, and a horrible array of misfitting, mismatched 1980s clothing.

Friday the 13th really has two different endings, neither of which I will spoil here. One of them is derived entirely from Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho but with just enough of a twist to make it acceptable. The other ending comes about 1 minute before the movie ends, and despite it being used an obvious tool to prompt a sequel, it is actually the only genuinely scary part of the entire movie.

More than anything, I kept watching because I have never understood why Jason wore a hockey mask or how one could logically fit a hockey mask into one film, let alone all 11 sequels. Where does he keeping these hockey masks, I wondered. Very surprisingly, there are absolutely no hockey masks or references to masks or the sport of hockey in the entire movie. Only after looking at the one-sheet (above) did I realize that the hockey mask wasn’t used to market the series until much later. Interesting, no?

Ultimately, I really enjoyed the original Friday the 13th. It was cheesy, corny, and campy–it also took place at a camp–but its final act offered enough weirdness to keep me interested. Tell me what you think. Or don’t. But I’ll be back with some thoughts on Friday the 13th: Part II.

OSCARFEST 2009

Nearly a year has passed since Mark Tong stole the OscarFest 2008 crown in most dramatic fashion. This year, the stakes are higher than ever, and it will take all of your movie wits to become Champion.

Are you up to the challenge?

OscarFest 2009 marks a departure from prevoius years, in which the winner recieved nothing more than the right to mock and laugh at his or her peers for all of eternity. This year, I will donate $25 in the Champion’s name to Salvaide, an organization dedicated to fostering social and economic development in El Salvador by empowering those in need.

This is your chance to make a difference. This is your chance to become a legend.

Click here, enter www.oscarfest.com in your webbed browser, or ask a friend to help you navigate to the appropriate Internet location to participate in Oscarfest 2009. Don’t miss out!

A recent discussion about lopped off hands has inspired me to explore some of my favorite lopped off hands in American film history. Feel free to suggest some of your own favorite lopped off movie hands. It’s fun.

1. Evil Dead 2 hand

2. The Adams Family hand

3. The Empire Strikes Back hand

4. Woody Harrelson’s hand in Kingpin (hand not pictured)

5. The hand from Oliver Stone’s The Hand

6. The hand from the Saw poster

Of course, this list is not exhaustive, and it completely disregards all sorts of severed arms and their associated hands, including but not limited to the three greatest movie arms of all time:

1. Carl Weathers’ arm from Predator

2. Richter’s arms from Total Recall (“See you at the party, Richter!”)

Movies are good. Voting in the Oscar Pick’em indicates that you like movies. If you do not vote, then you do not like movies; you do not like things that are good; and you probably do not like fluffy bunny tails, puppies, or kittens. This is not something to be proud of.

Though your Oscar votes will be manipulated to reflect my desired outcome, the comments that were left during the voting process are unadulterated:

Marygrace Ohab: Lookin’ good!

Jerry Coffey: There are those that try to pick correctly… and then there’s me! My quest is to miss every single one. Wish me luck.

Emily Ghan: Hey John! I’ve been thinking how this year is going to be really interesting. With best actor/supporting actor/original screenplay etc. looking like a lock, it seems like heroes will be made in the more obscure categories… Anyways, good luck!

Lindsay Ohab: This year was particularly hard. I would also like to note that I am disappointed that Norbit was nominated in only one category. Blasphemy!

Patrick Clemins (aka Beast): Seeing as how I’ve seen NONE of these films, my chance of winning is exactly zero

Melissa Antman: I have not seen a single one of these movies. Maybe that will help me win the fabulous grand prize.

Oggie Coffey: I have not seen any of the movies, but I am hoping to win.

Kelli Campbell: That was fun! wish I had seen more of those movies!

Jessica Palmer: I totally guessed on these. I have only seen one of all these films. But I am psychic so it should all balance out.

Devon Ohab: That was hard!

Gene Gurkoff: Another attempt at complete and utter failure… last year I got one or two right… a total disappointment. Just like American politics, a race to the bottom baby!!

Drew Fowler: I want to take his face…off. What was that all about?

Bardia Nikpourian: Oh boy oh boy oh boy

Emily Sandvig: Yea! Woo!

Allison Bigbee: I didn’t see any of these – but I HAD to play

Pete Henry: DOC JOHN, I guarantee this is a “WINNER”!

Brian/Josh Jackson: I foresee no scenario in which I lose.

Julie Gold: Let’s see how I do with never having heard of any of these movies? (OK, I’ve heard of a couple, but I haven’t seen a single one!)

Karl Reichardt: I’ve only seen Atonement so this was pure guesswork.

Roger Mears: This site is much better than Boge’s Best Bets.

Pejman Kalkhoran: How could I lose? The only movie I have seen is No Country For Old Men, so I picked that in every case. In short, I have no chance.

Sarah Evans: Funny I was just humming “Raise it up” to myself this a.m. Methinks the “Original Song” part of the ceremony will also be known as “refreshment break time” in the Evans household.

Deborah Bouvier: I think that I should probably get to the movies more often….

Andrew Son: Sup John! How’ve you been?

Libby O’Hare: This might be my worst performance…where there any other movies this past year besides “Blood” and “No Country”?

Yassiin Nasser: I guarantee my guarantee…that I will not be last!

Grammy Ohab: LUV U Doc!

Ashwini Sagar: Hi John

Jemal Zenuni: Go Norbit!

Megan Pickering: I like movies, puppies and fuzzy bunnies…

Greg Davey: FOLSOM SUCKS!

Songlin Li: My guess does not mean anything. I much prefer to watch the games of the Rockets and Suns.

Megan Pickering: I like movies, puppies and fuzzy bunnies…

Jen Coffey: You’re goin’ down, my friend.

Pouya Bozorgchami: If it’s on…then it’s on. If I win it just goes to show…absolutely nothing. Ballah!

Joan Barbieri: That is one freaky Oscar statute – no offense, John!

Anuj Gupta: Vote For Change We Can Believe In!

Tristan Winneker: Yo bebo su sacudida de leche! Lo bebo para arriba!

Katie Schaefer: Yo bebo su sacudida de leche! Lo bebo para arriba!

Gianna and Adilene Barbieri: That Matt Damon and Johnny Depp sure are cute — as is that Oscar guy!

All:

The Oscars are fast approaching. Do you have what it takes to be the winner? Seize this opportunity to etch your name in the annals of history. You may never get this chance again (until next year).

A final reminder will be released the day before the ceremony. Good luck!

It is time.

Awards season has arrived, and there is no better way to celebrate the spirit of filmmaking than a competitive Oscar Pick’em! Last year’s competition saw Carol Barbieri take the crown amidst controversy and public outrage. This year, the stakes are higher than ever.

Do you have what it takes?

There are two easy and fun ways to access the voting page:
1. Directly: HERE
2. Indirectly: visit the homepage and click on the Oscar Pick’em link.

As in previous years, the winner receives absolutely nothing, unless of course you value the inherited right to mock and laugh at your peers for the rest of eternity, in which case, this competition offers a gift that keeps on giving.

Please pass this email along to anyone who might be interested. I hope you are all doing well and good luck!

Richard and I laughed at this for about twenty minutes tonight.

Jetpacks: Seriously, where is my jetpack? They have been promising us jetpacks for nearly a hundred years. “They”, of course, being the Germans. Remember all that stock footage of experimental rocket backpacks gone wrong? German men blasting 20 feet into the air with zero control over their direction or landing? The Jetsons? The Rocketeer? How much time do they need to make improvements? As of 1989, in Back to the Future 2, similar technology such as the hoverboard was even be considered. Yet, nearly 20 years later, nothing. Clearly, engineers have not been able to overcome the main technological hurdle–the undeniable fact that hoverboards don’t work on water, unless, of course, “you’ve got power”. In which case, why haven’t they put more effort into developing some kind of energy cell powerful enough to drive jetpacks, hoverboards, and other fancy unrealistic, hardly useful futuristic devices?

Calle Vista Coffee: Funny that the only coffee shop with free wireless internet, free coffee, comfortable seating, and enough electrical outlets to choke a camel is the quite possibly the most unfrequented establishment I have ever seen. This is particularly strange in Los Angeles, where Starbucks and Coffee Beans go to great lengths to board over any electrical outlets, ensuring that customers don’t simply buy one Americano and then camp out the rest of the day on their laptop. At Calle Vista, nobody seems to care if you order goods or services or just drop in to abuse their broadband connection. I don’t have the actual customer statistics, but I can pretty much guarantee you Calle Vista Coffee is barely making a profit. I know this because I spend entire days there without seeing more than 10 customers enter the store. I have my own table with my own lamp. I also have a mug with my name on it hanging from the wall. Sometimes I walk in and say “the usual”. Other times, I sit down and “the usual” is already there waiting for me before I ask. Some days, I order lunch and dinner, several cups of coffee, and when I leave, the manager gives me everything free for no apparent reason at all. None of this can possibly translate to making Calle Vista Coffee a lucrative business endeavor. How, then, can they possibly manage to pay their employees, buy new products, advertise, and rent their property? The answer: volume.

Kobe Bryant: Let’s see… he can be responsible for the break-up of a Laker dynasty, alienate his teammates, sexually assault a Colorado youth, cheat on his wife, and still the city of Los Angeles rejoices in his majesty. But take three shots in the 2nd half of a playoff game, and suddenly he is the stain on the face of this honorable city. The fact of the matter is taking three shots in the 2nd half of game 7 against the Suns was only a bad thing because he put forth zero effort in doing so. Had he taken three shots, but created opportunities for teammates, set picks, run plays, or even retrieve water cups during timeouts, he could at least claim that he was contributing in other ways. As it stands, Kobe Bryant proved once again that he is an immature and selfish ball hog. He is also apparently very attractive, not to mention wealthy; two more reasons that I do not like him.

World Cup Soccer: There is a reason we all played soccer when we were 7 years old but stopped when we were 11. Because it’s boring and doesn’t require any skill. This is why American’s don’t like soccer and choose to play more intellectually and physically demanding sports, such as basketball, baseball, football, golf, hockey, Texas Hold’em poker, and bowling. Like most Americans, I once tried to embrace soccer. The rest of the world likes it, and so if I am to be cultured, I too must enjoy the “futbol”. For some reason, American sports fans feel that we owe soccer some allegiance, much like professional women’s basketball. We act like we care, but deep down, everyone knows how dull and uninteresting it is, but the media or those less fortunate or perhaps the goodwill in all of us has lifted soccer to an level of far greater importance than it deserves. Go USA!

Carlos Ramirez: For his thoughtful corrections of my spelling errors.

This weekend, I had the “opportunity” to watch the trailer for the newest comic book adaptation, Ghost Rider, which stars Nicolas Cage as a motorcycle-riding, chain-wielding, flaming skeleton man who fights the forces of evil by night. Though not directly related to Ghost Rider, I would like to share one small revelation.

I love how skeletons can smile.

It is truly the funniest and most ridiculous phenomenon in the world. In fact, in my soon-to-be-published list of the Top 10,000 Funniest Things I’ve Ever Seen, Number 8420 is reserved for any variety of smiling skeletons including the “Head of the Navigator” from The Secret of Monkey Island, the typing skeletons in Beetlejuice, the “Army of Darkness” in Army of Darkness, the skeleton on the cover of Evil Dead 2 (see picture), the skeleton-pirates in Pirates of the Caribbean, and of course, the aforementioned flaming skeleton head man in Ghost Rider.

Consider that the mechanics of facial expression are determined entirely by your musculature and skin, yet skeletons, who are made of bone only, are somehow able to smile and display a variety emotional states. Or, why do skeletons often have a head of hair or beards or mustaches? Hair tends to fall out even in old, living humans, so how is a skeleton’s beard able to sustain itself over long periods of time (including “eternity” depending on the curse)? Furthermore, it is my understanding that facial hair is embedded in the skin and receives the necessary nourishment through the vasculature. In the case of skeletons, they have no skin except for a few rotting pieces here and there, and it would be stretching it to say that these patches are capable of providing any nourishment. We have therefore characterized an entirely new form of plasticity–one where the hair detaches from the skin as it degrades and spontaneously reattaches itself to the bone. Those in the health care professions must be anxious to get a handle on this one.

A perfect example is this Evil Dead 2 picture. It has no skin or cartilage, as evidenced by the absence of its face and nose, yet the eyes remain intact, hydrated, and connected to the skull. Peculiar, no doubt, since ocular muscles in combination with the optic nerve’s connection with the brain are what keeps the eyes from falling out of the head. Since both of these factors are irrelevant here, how on earth are the eyes still functional?

Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I love it.

Over winter break, Richard and I spent a few hours going through some of his family home videos that his dad had recently transfered to DVD. Though Richard, in general, is a person of little to interest to me, except for when I need a ride somewhere or when I’m bored during winter break, I happened to have a particular investment in these video archives. You see, Richard and I became good friends during 6th grade, though long-forgotten YMCA soccer pictures later revealed that we had once played on the same youth soccer team during the late great 1980s.

At the time, Richard’s family lived in Dobson, AZ, and for reasons that will never be clear, I lived in Tempe but still played in the City of Dobson YMCA league. Our team, not surprisingly named “The Soccers”, included other notable Corona Del Sol alumnus, Nika, who scored our team’s only goal the entire season. That’s right. One goal. We lost every game. And, when Richard and I finally found one of our games on DVD, the reason became entirely obvious: we both had zero atheletic ability and even less interest in kicking a ball for an hour in front of our parents. While parts of that soccer game will surface in time, I bring to you now the real treasure in our findings.

Your feature presentation

The votes have been tallied and once again Jen C. takes the (proverbial) crown!

Coming soon to a live journal entry near you: my thoughts and reflections on this year’s Oscar Pick’em.

Your 2004 Academy Awards Pick’Em Champion…

Some random observations about the 2004 Academy Awards Pick’Em Experience:

1. 83 people competed in this year’s pick’em, compared to 41 last year, and only 14 the year before that.
2. Daniel Graf, Debbie Drysdale, Kaz, and Frank Campbell all performed worse than their opponent “Random Test Picks”, which was actually me blindly clicking on random selections just to see if the submission process worked.
3. Vivian and “Valerie’s Friend”, last year’s champions, didn’t even bother to defend their title.
4. Kevin Nista only voted in 5 categories but got them all right.
5. Drew Fowler, last year’s lame duck performer with only four correct picks, equaled his previous total though he did manage to stay out of last place (he tied for 75th out of 83 total)
6. After all the hullabaloo I created about the Academy Awards and this incredibly important competition, I spent nearly the entire awards show in an airport and on an airplane.
7. The “Big Gainer Award” goes to Marty Ohab, who had 14 correct picks, doubling last year’s total.
8. This journal entry will appear to have been posted at 3:48 PM on February 27, 2005, several hours before the Academy Awards took place. How is this possible?
9. Both Linsor and Lindsor had 14 correct picks.
10. Devon is my youngest sister.
11. Some of the more interesting messages entered into the *How Did You Find Out About the Pick’Em* text box as people submitted their picks:
    

    Julie Friedman: “Remember me? It was a cold and lonely night. I saw you from across the bar….”

    Mike Terlizzi: “John IM’d me the link and used coercive measures to make me vote.”

Libby O’Hare: “We know each other, but not in the biblical sense.

Greg Davey: “I think we met in a Brothel outside of Riverside.”

Sean Huff: “Fuck you.”

Michael Dunford: “I love you John!!!!”

Tristan Winnecker: “But…I do know you.”

Matt Egan: “I was harassed into participating…I’m so above these things. The prize better be good when I win.”

Jennifer Bramen: “In most cases, I chose films I disliked to win (like how I predict the Aviator to sweep the awards?). I figure I have a better shot than with previous years, when I chose films I liked. “

Joseph Rutkowski: “I have never seen any of these movies John, but I hope you are happy!”

Brandon Hawley: “You only like the boys? Hotos!”

Louisa Wang: “Bathroom wall at the local porno market.”

Mike Jackson: “John Ohab rules!”

Vinay Sagar: “God told me to come here.”

Roger Mears: “My brother some how knows you and told me to use this name.”

12. The email I received from Jen this morning regarding her pick’em performance:
    

    I sucked big balls in the Oscar Pick Em.

    *** CLICK HERE to see where you placed in 2004 Academy Awards Pick’Em!!

5:20: Renee Zellweger. Hi, thanks for coming. You look like you are wearing a giant role of toilet paper.

5:30: The video montage with Billy Crystal spliced into various films from 2003 was actually pretty hilarious. One question: how many times did we have to see Billy Crystal’s bare breasts and buttocks? Seriously, zero times is enough. I was upset to hear that Steve Martin wouldn’t be returning but Mr. Crystal seems to be pretty enthusiastic during his song and dance routine. It’s interesting how the production of the Academy Awards has changed in recent years. After MTV started doing all of those parodies of movies and songs, it’s clear that the more conservative Oscar group realized how much that stuff sells. There must have been, what, 10 Janet Jackson boob jokes throughout the show?

Johnny Depp looks exactly the same as he did in A Nightmare on Elm Street in 1984. Clint Eastwood looks like he’s about to keel over and die from extreme blood loss.

5:50: Well, the Academy Awards Pick’Em page has officially been taken down. Here we go with the best supporting actor: Tim Robbins! Now, I can begin opening the database of selections and “not” change my answers.

6:05: In retrospect, my decision to not vote for The Lord of the Rings for art direction may have been a unwise one. This is due, in part, to the fact that LOTR just won the award and my selection, The Last Samurai, did not. Peter Jackson is a great director and a brilliant man, but really, this does not excuse the outfit and the hair. We all know the deal: he is super laid back and not concerned about his appearance. But, come on…you can only be THAT unkempt when you make a concerted effort.

Pejman: “Look at Peter Jackson. His shirt is tearing.”6:15: Did anyone ever notice that the ring of Sauran is around his gauntlet? What a show off.

6:25: Michael Douglas is starting to wrap up his Golden Globe award acceptance speech. We’ll keep you updated on any developments as we hear them.

7:45: We’ve reached a critical junction in the Academy Awards pick’em: Best Documentary Feature. This has traditionally been the category where the winners and losers are defined. This is a peculiar phenomenon, given that there are still like 12 awards left. But who am I to argue with karma. Well, it looks like The Fog of War takes the Oscar! This is really going to shake up the standings. It is clear that Jen and Javan are aware of the importance of this category (see Best Documentary victory cheers).

8:00: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King wins Best Original score, which I find to be a little strange considering this score is exactly the same as it was for the previous two Lord of the Rings movies. I guess the term “original” is used very loosely here. Personally, I was rooting for Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, a sort of diamond in the rough that really broke new ground in…I’m sorry, I can’t even attempt to go on with this joke… “Leppy in the Hood 2″ is just another straight-to-video lamefest with filled with random violence. To his credit, Leppy himself (played heroically by Warwick Davis) does bust a few rhymes in between killing a number of innocent urban youths.

8:45: Well, it’s pretty clear that Lord of the Rings is going to win every award. I didn’t even see Mystic River, yet I found it incredibly necessary to pick it for best adapted screenplay over LOTR. Why?

Tim: “I almost stepped on Elijah Wood at the movie theaters the other day.”
John: “Tobey Maguire looks like a 9-year old with a beard.”

9:05: Clint Eastwood is looking more and more like the perfect candidate to snag the highly-touted role of Skeletor in the next He-man movie.

9:30: It’s over. The votes have been tallied, and in an unfortunate turn of events, the winner is not me (see agonizing defeat pose)

* Acceptance Speach of the Day: “I know I don’t have a lot of time, but I would just like to thank the people of New Zealand.”

* Javan Quote of the Day: “That guy looks like he’s preparing for his own funeral.”

* Just One of Those Things That Doesn’t Make Sense of the Day: Why does Roger refer to himself as “Boeja”, yet type “Boge Boge HEY” in the Roger Mears Theme Song?

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Because I choose to.”

• Why is City of God nominated for Best Director, Cinematography, Film Editing, Adapted Screenplay, but not Best Foreign film? Furthermore, why is it not nominated for Best Picture? See this movie and you will know exactly what I’m talking about.
• Why are neither The Matrix Reloaded or The Matrix Revolutions nominated for a single visual or special effects category?
• Why is Benecio del Toro nominated for Best Supporting Actor, Naomi Watts for Best Actress, and Sean Penn for neither in 21 Grams when each actor’s role contributed equally to movie? Moreover, Naomi Watts performance was dull and completely uninspiring–why is she nominated at all?
• Why is Diane Keaton nominated for Best Actress in Something’s Gotta Give? Isn’t she just making a guest appearance as herself–an old-as-she-looks, over-the-hill actress straining to find a decent role?
• Why is Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World nominated more times than there are nomination categories?
• Who’s idea was it to name Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World?
• Why have I not seen Lost In Translation yet consider it the best movie of the year?
• Why did they nominate Brother Bear, the story of a man who became a legend when he became a bear, when it is clear that Finding Nemo was already chosen by the gods as the “greatest movie of all time”? Furthermore, why do people think Finding Nemo is anything special? Have they not seen every other Disney movie that is exactly the same but actually funny and creative? (see, Aladdin, The Little Mermaid, Robinhood)
• Who is this so-called “they” that I keep referring to?
• Is there some kind of agreement that Renee Zellweger will be nominated for an Oscar every year?
• Is anyone else as excited as I am to not have Jack Nicholson nominated for an award?
• Why am I listening to Belinda Carlisle songs as I type this?

* Funniest Thing I’ve Ever Said to Seth of the Day: “It’s funny how you are Bouvier when imbouvier.”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Did you know that eating alone could cause kidney damage? And that’s bad.”

Wow, I’m exhausted. Joy and I just returned from watching The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers Special Edition with Brian/Josh and Kathy. Just sitting there and watching that movie is a draining experience, but that was on top of 10 hours in the lab. In fact, I would claim that this was one of the longest days I’ve experienced in a while, but I’ve received a formal education and am fully aware that today was the same length as every other day (that being roughly 24 hours).

An item of clarification: when I said “Joy and I” watched the movie with “Brian/Josh and Kathy”, I really meant to say that Brian/Josh and I watched the movie while Joy slept on the couch next to us, only waking up periodically to say “What? Is that an added scene?” and then immediately falling back to sleep.

The Spiderman 2 trailer came out this afternoon in glorious QuickTime, confirming what Lindsor had previously suspected: Kirsten Dunst is in fact Billy Corgan, the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “And my axe!”

The picture below confirms a previous story of mine regarding a city bus smashing into Ashwini’s apartment, which if you’ll recall, was just about the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen in my entire life at that point. That is, until this afternoon, when I got myself involved in a live journal dialogue that has now replaced the aforementioned bus incident as the most ridiculous item in my entire life. Click here to remind yourself about the bus incident.

I just got done watching The Matrix Reloaded with Pejman, Richard and Joy, though I’m reluctantly including Joy because she fell asleep one minute into the movie. There are two interesting things to note here. One is that anyone who didn’t like The Matrix Reloaded needs a nice talking to. Second, The Matrix Revolutions opens tomorrow and I’m giddy as hell. I’m getting all anxious and jittery, just like I used to get on Christmas Eve. You remember that feeling–you’re so incredibly excited and at the same time worried that you won’t get exactly what you wanted. Of course, I never really had to worry about that as a child. Marty always knew which “Nintendos” to get me and Marygrace is always good for a Maya Angelo poetry book or tickets to a cultural event. It was poor Lindsay who always got stiffed. The look on Linds’ face when she opened those presents is priceless. Well, I’m babbling…let’s save that line of discussion for another journal entry.

I’m seeing The Matrix Revolutions with just about everyone in my Neuroscience class plus Pejman, Richard, and Jen C., so I anticipate a good time whether or not the movie pays off. Note, however, that you will all die if the latter scenario takes place.

* Richard Stranded in Los Angeles Update of the Day: 12 days and counting

* Movie Quote of the Day: “It’s the smell!”

Finally! The Matrix Reloaded was released on DVD this Tuesday for all the world to enjoy in the comfort of their own home (or in the “discomfort” of their own home, in our case, as our couch has yet to arrive). Immediately after lab, Joy and I drove to the nearest Best Buy–which is across the street, coincidentally–and grabbed the first copy we saw. I didn’t want to take any chances once I spotted the hundreds of other single men roaming the store in search of God’s gift to moviewatchers. For a short period of time, I actually felt like quite the ladies man. I was probably the only male in the entire Best Buy that came with a human female. What a confidence-builder! Unfortunately, my night quickly went sour when I arrived home and realized that I had mistakenly purchased the Fullscreen Edition instead of the Widescreen. This is really of no immediate consequence because I refuse to watch the movie until I’ve assembled my fully functional entertainment system that precisely simulates the IMAX experience.

Fogetting to purchase the Widescreen version of Reloaded is one example of a pattern of forgettfulness in my life recently. I often forgot to turn on my headlights when I back my car out at night. I left my lab keys at home four days in a row and had to use the spare key hidden in the walk-in freezer, that is, until I brought the spare key home with me and forgot it as well. And, I have emails, letters, and bills that I’ve been forgetting to send for weeks now. Joy postulated, “Maybe you have early early onset Alzheimer’s”. Hmmm… Well, I was thinking that maybe I’ve just been a little stressed out lately, but who knows for sure.

* Unbiased Sports Opinion of the Day: I don’t care who wins the Red Sox vs. Yankees playoff series as long as it isn’t the Yankees.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “He’s beginning to believe!”

I was very pleased when Box Office Mojo released the preliminary weekend box-office results, and the first of two Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez movies, Gigli, made only $3.8 million or good enough for 8th on the charts. This was not unexpected given the terrible reviews from various critics and screening reports and that the general public has about as much dislike for them as we do for Titanic. I’m not sure why I felt so refreshed when I saw that Gigli had scored an embarrassingly low 5% on RottenTomatoes.com and a 1.5 out of 10 on the Internet Movie Database, but the news has really helped get this week off to a good start. I’ve read reviews from popular critics that claimed it was “the worst movie of all time” and that it contained “the worst dialogue I’ve ever heard”. This is really quite an accomplishment when you think about it. If Gigli really is THAT bad, then it will be in some elite company: Shakes the Clown, Speed 2: Cruise Control, Two Idiots in Hollywood, The Guyver, Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, Leprechaun In the Hood, Lawnmower Man 2: Beyond Cyberspace, Glitter, Kazaam, Leonard Part 6, Street Fighter, Cop & 1/2, Mr. Nanny, Crossroads, Gone Fishin’, Bio-Dome, Batman and Robin, any of the “Kevin Smith movies”, and that’s just a spur of the moment list picked from the 80′s and 90′s. I should note that I will undoubtedly revisit the topic of “the worst movies ever made” many, many times while I’m writing this journal, so don’t be upset if none of the “Police Academy” movies or Battlefield Earth or Mannequin 2: On the Move or The Garbage Pail Kids Movie didn’t make it. They will all have their time to shine.

On a 100% completely unrelated note:

Does anyone else find it incredibly hilarious that in light of his recent sexual escapade with a teenager from Colorado that Kobe Bryant is nominated for “Choice Male Athlete” in the 2003 Teen Choice Awards?

Why does everything smell like 4% Paraformaldehyde all of the sudden?

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Are you the one who killed our friend?”

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: I went to McDonald’s for breakfast last week. This is ridiculous, yes, but the most ridiculous item came when a man parked his brand new Honda Civic in the parking lot, went to the payphone, checked the coin return slot, and then got back in his car and drove away.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Quaid…Open your miiiiiind. Open your miiiiiind.”

Instead of doing all of my Academy Awards comments in one long journal entry, I think I’ll just do a category here and there as I feel a rush of creative energy. Tonight, we’ll start off with the biggest of them all, Best Picture. First of all, let me say that only two of the movies nominated for Best Picture even deserved it. “Chicago”, “Gangs of New York”, and “The Hours” were all forgettable movies and should have been left off the list. I think it’s even debatable whether “Lord of the Rings” deserved to be up there. This year lacked the epic (e.g., Schindler’s List) or the fan-favorite (e.g., Forrest Gump) or the surprise hit (e.g., Titanic) of recent years, and instead, was saturated with a bunch of “pretty good movies”. This is fine by me, but it makes for a difficult, and as evidenced by this year’s awards, a disappointing outcome. There are a lot of problems with Chicago, some excusable other not, but the real failure is in the acting. And, it’s not because of a lack of effort. Richard “Can’t Carry a Note” Gere, Renee “Hi I’m Skeletor” Zelwegger, and John “Same Role as Always Except, Hey, I’m Singing Now” C. Reilly were all trying their hardest, but let’s face it. They are not singers, they are not dancers, and in this movie, they even forgot to be actors. At times, I was so embarrassed for them that I often had to turn away and think of unrelated topics like “how many more fans the Cardinals will have now that they’ve signed Emmit Smith” or “what ever happened to the ‘Simply Blimpy-I Can’t Say It’ lady?” . I was experiencing the same sort of vicarious embarrassment that I feel when I watch N’Sync or Backstreet Boys perform a live concert. You know that feeling you have when you just pray they don’t mess up their lines or forget a dance move and the only thing that keeps you from walking out of the room is that the embarrassment diffuses between everyone involved and so no single person is totally responsible? Yeah, that’s what I felt like the whole movie. Plus, the songs weren’t particularly good, which is a bit of a problem when the entire movie contains singing and music. I suppose the “All That Jazz” song is pretty good, though that ridiculous look on Catherine Zeta-Jones’s face was enough to land me in a funny farm. They were clearly doing 50 takes per 10-second increment anyway due to the overall poor acting, why not just do another one from the top without that “trying-to-smile-but-tired-from-dancing-panting-child-molester-face”?

So what do I think SHOULD have a) been nominated and b) won? The answer is only partially complete. I haven’t seen the “Quiet American”, “Talk to Her”, or “Catch Me If You Can”, so I can’t comment on those. I do think Adaptation should have at least been nominated, as well as a handful of other movies could have been considered like “Rabbit Proof Fence”, “Y Tu Mama Tambien”, “Punch Drunk Love”, and “About Schmidt”. And, of course, there are always five or so foreign movies that we’ll never see that are probably far better than anything from America. Ultimately, I don’t know what I think should have won, except that it should not have been “Chicago”.

* Random Observation of the Day: Has anyone else ever noticed that when you spellcheck in MS Outlook/Word and it comes to “Pejman”, it suggests that you use the word “Penman” instead.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Some mothafucka’s always trying to iceskate up hill.”

First of all, how good was the movie “Judgment Night” with Dennis Leary and Emilio Estevez!? So good…in a mid-90′s sort of way.

Anyway, it is now Day Four of preparation for our neuroanatomy final–and for all you keeping track, this is officially Day 10 of the No DSL Internet Chronicles–and with an exception of a few details here and there, I think it is safe to say that my brain cannot fit anymore information inside without squeezing already-learned information out the back.

Next, as sort of a therapeutic strategy to get rid of this foul mood I’m in, I thought I would tell a bunch of evil, stinking lies:

1. The first single from the new Linkin Park album is really good.
2. I’m really looking forward to the next Kevin Smith movies.
3. Jimmy Kimmel has really put together a hilarious late night show.
4. I really hope James Gandalfini resolves his contract dispute with HBO, so I can watch new Sopranos episodes.
5. I’m really excited about this new, aggressive approach George W. is taking with the Iraq conflict.
6. I think the Graduate Student Association should vote jean shorts, sandals with socks, and long-sleeve plad shirts as our “official” attire.
7. I hope the Lakers can pull it together for a stretch run.
8. I value the views and opinions of The Best Damn Sports Show Period.

Wow a few good fibs really go a long way! Time to get back to work.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Timmy, have you ever been in a Turkish prison?”

I would be the first to admit that surfing the internet is the last thing I should be doing right now with my neuroanatomy exam quickly approaching. Well, actually, burning my notes for warmth and drinking a handle of Captain Morgan’s would officially be the worst thing to do, but leisurely internet browsing is a close second. Anyway, I was returning a video the other night (The Magnificent Seven, if you must know–very boring, very 1960′s made-in-America-type western flick), when I noticed an Air Bud movie that I’d never seen before, “Air Bud: World Pup”. If you are not familiar with Air Bud and his growing industry, he’s that happy actor-dog who has appeared in such films as “Air Bud”, “Air Bud: Golden Receiver”, “Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch”, and the upcoming “Air Bud: Spikes Back”. The front covers are good for a laugh every single time I see them:

Now I’m all for talented animals wearing human sports equipment and competing with us in basketball and football games. There is no reason a dog or raccoon can’t contribute a little of their competitive spirit. Anyway, after reading about the Air Bud movies, I headed over to his homepage in hopes of really getting to know our happy fun celebrity dog on a personal level. What drives him? Who inspires him? What does he hope to accomplish? What I found at AirBud.com were some of the most disturbing and yet comical things I’ve seen in a while. Take the “I’m a Star” link to see what I’m talking about. If the icon isn’t bad enough, why don’t you scroll down and look at him in his clown outfit, about which he remarks, “This is me dressed in the clown outfit I wore when I performed the scene at the children’s’ birthday party in the beginning of the movie. It was big, baggy and colorful with huge white pokadots. It was a lot of fun wearing it.”. Right…pokadots…. Interesting that a dog who is such an accomplished athlete and speaks so articulately doesn’t mind humiliating himself on every single page. For examples, read the quotes and look at the pictures here and here. I’m sorry but if those shoes he’s wearing are not the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen in my life, then I don’t even know what to do with myself.

Well, that’s about all the Air Bud talk I can take for one lifetime. I wish him well in his next sporting adventures. Perhaps he’ll take up Greco-Roman wrestling or kayaking. The possibilities really are endless…

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Timmy, do you like movies about gladiators?”

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of these movie trailers they play on TV with that deep, child-molester voiced narrator who says things like, “Jean Claude Van Damme as you’ve never seen him before!” or “In a time….In a place…”. Anyway, what really got me going was the two trailers I saw back-to-back yesterday for the new Bruce Willis movie, “Tears of the Sun”, and the new Steve Martin comedy, “Bringin’ Down the House”.

In the first trailer, the narrator quoted some anonymous newspaper source as saying “Bruce Willis’ best action movie since Die Hard!”. Now, I may not be the authority on the history of cinema, but the Internet Movie Database is, and according to them, Die Hard was his VERY FIRST action movie. A quick skim through the list gives other action movies like Die Hard 2, Pulp Fiction, Twelve Monkey’s, The Fifth Element, and more…

In the second trailer, the narrator quoted another anonymous source as saying, “Steve Martin’s best comedy since The Jerk!”. First of all, the Jerk was made in 1979. What movies were before the Jerk for comparison? For someone to claim that 1979 was the peak of Steve Martin’s comedic career might be a tad premature, considering he went on to star in All of Me, Trains Plains and Automobiles, Three Amigos, Roxanne, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, and Father of the Bride.

Anyway, Tears of the Sun is getting ripped apart in the early screening reviews, and believe it or not, Bringin’ Down the House is supposed to be pretty good. I avoid any newspaper review like the plague these days, partly because of the aforementioned bologna but also because every movie seems to be getting three stars. What is the point of reading the two page review if they are going to rate every movie the same? I don’t think we should be afraid to be critical about terrible movies and excited about those that actually break new ground. Let’s get some of these thoughts out in the open:

-Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon really wasn’t that good. The “conflict” was resolved halfway through the movie, and the fight sequences were lifted straight from other chinese martial arts films (see, Iron Monkey) and sadly even the Matrix. Anybody who has seen an asian martial arts movie would agree. Nothing was accomplished in this movie that hasn’t been going on in China for decades.

-Black Hawk Down was a messy, confusing, and mindless waste of time. Characters were completely indistinguishable and totally undeveloped during all of the commotion, and there was no plot or moral or direction to speak of. I could barely keep myself awake.

-Gangs of New York was not good. Three hours of my life were stolen from me, and I refuse to waste any more on it.

-Jackie Brown was pitiful. I like Quentin Terentino as much as the next person, but we can’t be afraid to criticize this man. He isn’t perfect. He’s going to make good movies and he’s going to make bad ones. This was a stinker. It was nothing but self-absorbed propoganda. To quote Screech from Saved by the Bell, “Someone should have waived a skunk in front of his face.”

-Requiem for a Dream was the best movie of 2000. There, I ended on a positive note!

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Here’s an idea: have a point. It makes it so much more interesting for the listener!”