Defense Department Wants You to Get Scienced

SIGNAL Online Exclusive, January 2010 – by Katie Packard

The U.S. Defense Department’s weekly podcast series, “Armed With Science: Research and Applications for the Modern Military,” emphasizes the important roles science and technology play in military operations by interviewing scientists, engineers, policymakers and other personnel. Not only does the series highlight cutting-edge technologies and capabilities, it also encourages information sharing and collaboration across the government and the military.

The series was launched in January 2009 through the Defense Department’s Emerging Media Directorate. It’s the only Defense Department podcast dedicated entirely to science and technology. Lt. Jennifer Cragg, USN, an operations officer in the directorate, explains that the concept was developed in 2008 after public affairs officers working in various commands in the U.S. Navy realized there was “a unique need to communicate effectively about science.”

Dr. John Ohab, a new technology strategist in the Public Web division of the Defense Media Activity, agrees. “We interview scientists, engineers, policymakers, teachers—anyone involved in science and technology in the government to have them talk about science in ways that are meaningful to the general public.”

The series has two goals, Ohab shares: to convey the Defense Department’s involvement in science and technology and to communicate science and technology in ways that are accessible to anyone. “We want to demystify science,” he says. “There’s often a disconnect between the general public, the government and scientists. We want to break down those barriers to show the scientists as humans.”

From the beginning, the series has been successful. The first podcast received 3,000 feed or download requests. Throughout the year, episodes have been downloaded 200,000 times. Because of its popularity, the series began to air every week instead of every other week.

“Everyone wants to be a part of this,” Ohab shares. “What started as a DOD thing has now become a government thing. We have 50 government agencies and PAOs looking to find the people who can best speak about [these topics].” The series features guests from the military, government agencies such as the Department of Veterans Affairs and NASA, and other organizations such as the Science and Entertainment Exchange.

The original focus of the series was on science and technology in relation to military operations, but that has expanded. Podcast topics include anything from applications to policy to high school science fairs.

Some of Ohab’s favorite episodes include a focus on substance abuse in the military with the Military Health System and a focus on cyber crime with Jim Christy, director of future exploration at the Defense Department Cyber Crime Center. “Here he’s talking about cyber crime, which is not necessarily the most pleasant thing, and we’re learning about him as a person. He’s [a retired special agent], he’s advised multiple presidents, he’s a retired college hockey referee. He developed the first forensic technique to recover data from a cut-up diskette. He’s a Little League baseball coach.”

This emphasis on the stories and people behind the science is a driving force behind the Armed With Science blog. “Every week, I ask people, ‘What did you do to get to this division? What’s your background?’” Ohab explains. “Their background and stories are often the most interesting part. That’s going to be the focus of the blog—first-hand accounts, people’s stories.”

Ohab also intends for the blog to serve as a test site of sorts. “We’re trying to use the blog to test out some of these new social technologies.” Ohab wants to see what works and what doesn’t work. Tools being considered include applications that allow users to choose which account they want to log into when leaving blog comments, for example logging in under their Facebook or Twitter accounts.

Lt. Cragg notes, “We’re trying to use as much social media [as possible] to get the information out there. I like learning about social media tools to inform people about science. It’s like walking into a science class every day.”

In addition to the blog, Armed With Science is also on Facebook and Twitter. Follow along and get scienced!

Senate staffer jumps into House race

Thursday, 10 December 2009
By Dennis Welch
The Arizona Guardian

A longtime policy advisor to Republicans in the Senate says he’s running for an open seat in the House next year.

Javan Daniel Mesnard, 29, said he intends to open a committee on Friday and start campaigning in Dist. 21, which includes a large part of Chandler.

Mesnard, a Republican, has worked at the Senate for the past eight years, serving as an advisor to numerous committees dealing with issues ranging from education to transportation.

His last day is today. Mesnard says he’s considered running for a while because he wants to be the one making the final decisions.

“There’s a lot you can do as a staffer,” he said. “But you’re still working for someone else.”

He says he’ll have an official website up within the next couple of days and plans on running under the name of J.D. Mesnard.

“That has nothing to do with J.D. Hayworth although it doesn’t hurt,” he said.

Mesnard has already picked up two prominent endorsements from lawmakers in his legislative district, Reps. Steve Yarbrough and Warde Nichols, who are both Republicans.

“I think he’s a fabulous candidate,” said Yarbrough, who is thinking about running for the Senate next year. “He’s smart and talented and I really hope he makes it through.”

Two other Republicans have filed to run for the seat, Jeff Vance and Venessa Whitener. If everything works out as planned, Mesnard says he will be running as a team along with Yarbrough and Vance.

Nichols is prohibited from running for re-election because state law limits the number of consecutive terms a lawmaker can serve in the same office.

The district is solidly in Republican hands as Republicans currently hold both seats in the House as well as the seat in the Senate. The GOP also enjoys a big registration advantage, out numbering Democrats by roughly 20,000 in the East Valley district.

According to the Secretary of State’s website, there are about 58,500 registered Republicans, 38,700 registered Democrats and 43,203 voters not affiliated with the two major parties.

Armed and Scientific

By Dan Frankel
Published Oct 1, 2009 8:00 AM

Did you know the Navy is going green? That the Army is working with industry and academia on an advanced battery that will power, among other things, tanks? Or how atomic timekeeping works? You would if you listened to “Armed With Science: Research and Applications for the Modern Military,” a weekly audio webcast that the U.S. Department of Defense launched in January at blogtalkradio.com/ArmedwithScience.

Hosted by neuroscientist Dr. John Ohab Ph.D. ‘07, the show features one-on-one interviews with scientists from a wide variety of government agencies discussing everything from electronic warfare to drug abuse in the military. A new media guru with his own weekly podcast, and nearly 2,400 followers on Twitter, Ohab’s mission is to make the broad topic of science accessible to the broader population.

“We’re primarily going after the non-science audience, people who have an interest in science but no science training,” he explains. “What it all goes back to is communication and information sharing. People say scientists can’t communicate. People say government can’t communicate. By and large that’s not true; we just speak different languages.”

Meanwhile, the program also serves the mandate of making the Pentagon more open and accessible to the tax-paying public. “People think of the Department of Defense as guns and missiles and tanks, and to some extent that’s true, but this is a great opportunity to understand the breadth of science operating within the federal government and to understand how it impacts society,” says Ohab.

Meanwhile, the peripatetic scientist/podcast personality is also fascinated by the ongoing media revolution, using just about every social networking tool he can find to expand his show’s audience. Besides his social network activity, Ohab seeks to expand on the “Armed With Science” dialog through his personal blog, and a key voice for the Science Cheerleader, a web-based media platform that, like Ohab’s podcasts, aims to make science more fun and understandable to wider audience. In fact, some of the questions Ohab asks his scientist guests originate among his Twitter followers.

“We’re sort of on the forefront,” he concludes. “To do something that no one else in the government is doing, that is to host a radio program that discusses controversial topics that have implications for our national security, is pretty neat.”

Mitochondria are “the powerhouse of the cell.”  But, you already knew that. Everybody does. It is the one bit of science knowledge that is possessed by every single person who has ever lived. Of course, nobody knows what being the powerhouse of a cell actually means, not even scientists. It’s the great paradox of our time.

Equally as baffling is this mitochondria-like carpet that I spotted and about which Bioephemera blogged. Check out her blog post but only because it mentions me.

My friend and colleague, Dr. Jessica Palmer, who you might remember from such science blogs as BioEphemera, was recently featured in a Powell’s Books article written by Chris Mooney and Sheril Kirshenbaum. I’ve copied and pasted the article below, likely breaking several copyright and distribution laws in the process, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. THAT is how cool she is.

The New Scientists
By Chris Mooney and Sheril Kirshenbaum
August 6th, 2009

Perhaps our nation’s scientific illiteracy isn’t merely an educational problem, but rather a matter of personnel — one whose solution is already struggling to emerge from universities.

÷ ÷ ÷

To qualify as a scientist, Jessica Palmer has ticked off all the right boxes. She received her Ph.D. from a top research institution, the University of California at Berkeley, in molecular and cell biology. She published original research, on the genetics of nervous system development in fruit flies, in Neuron and BMC Neuroscience. And at a time when academic jobs are scarce, especially in the biological sciences, she won a tenure-track faculty position after graduating, and started to pull in grants.

But then she gave it all up. She started a science blog called Bioephemera and went to work in science policy in Washington, D.C. This fall, she will matriculate at Harvard Law School.

“I was labeled pretty early on a troublemaker, for not wanting to go the research routeI was labeled pretty early on a troublemaker, for not wanting to go the research route,” laughs Palmer when asked about her career choices. It started at Berkeley, where she felt constrained by the limited teaching experience and scant opportunities to bring her work out of the lab and into the public arena. “In graduate school,
everybody wants you to publish your first three or four first author papers, and then go on to a postdoc,” says Palmer. Yet she wanted to write for nonscientific audiences. Soon she helped found a publication, the Berkeley Science Review, to give young scientists the chance to do just that.

Palmer is one of a growing number of young interdisciplinary scientists for whom the traditional career path — a trip through the academic pipeline that eventually ends in becoming a version of one’s mentor, a professor — makes less and less sense. In a recent survey of more than 1,000 science graduate students and postdoctoral fellows at another top research school, the University of California at San Francisco, less than half described becoming academic researchers as their top career choice. Instead, these young scientists want to take their degrees into industry or the policy world, into the media or K-12 education.

For some senior researchers, that’s a very good thing. Young talents like Palmer should “no longer be viewed as deserting science,” wrote Bruce Alberts, the editor-in-chief of Science and former president of the National Academy of Sciences, in a recent editorial. That’s especially the case, Alberts observed, since having such researchers leave the ivory tower and filter out into the world would have the beneficial effect of “increasing contacts between scientists and the rest of society.”

Yet at the same time, the science education system doesn’t really know what to do with these Leonardos, and rarely trains them for what they’ll encounter in non-research careers. More traditionally minded faculty members may look askance at their plans of academic abandonment. The young scientists themselves may be afraid to tell their mentors what they’re really thinking — or they may be told, as Palmer was, that they’re committing “career suicide.”

As for the careers they seek, careers that might help reconnect science and society — it’s true: they often don’t even exist.

÷ ÷ ÷

Perhaps, then, it’s time to make the case for the young Renaissance scientist — to argue that she or he deserves both an academic and also a cultural embrace; that such nontraditional career choices should be encouraged, rather than viewed with suspicion; and even that the training of scientists itself ought to change to make becoming a Jessica Palmer less of a struggle. In fact, a surprisingly strong argument can be made that young interdisciplinary scientists who leave the confines of academia are not only good for the country, but also for universities and even for corporate America, especially at a time when preserving the nation’s scientific competitiveness is a concern of presidents.

(Read the rest of the article)

Anxious job seeker needs to persevere
Nov. 27, 2008

I have applied for 150 jobs since May. I had planned to stay at my administrative-assistant job until a new principal came, decided he didn’t like me and didn’t renew my contract because of “poor performance.”

Since then, I have had only one call and maybe two rejection e-mails. I can’t even seem to find part-time work at Target, Payless or similar stores. Can you help me figure out what the problem is? I’m getting very depressed.

Eugenia Mena Hire Standards

Let’s begin with your resume. Why are you staying in your jobs only a year or so? In HR, we notice “little things” that might become major when we hire for a permanent
position.

Hiring for any position requires training, and some companies are hesitant if they think an employee will leave after a few months.

If any of your positions were temporary or on a set contract, you need to write it on your resume.

In the meantime, when you apply for part-time jobs, are you sending your resume? If so, you need to shorten it and make it simpler so you don’t seem over-qualified.

You need to update or change your resume to make it more sellable in a different career or job, to showcase your assets: dependable, willing to learn new trends, trustworthy, etc. And you must remain positive. Keep looking, go to job fairs, or go in person to meet potential employers.

MaryGrace Ohab HR Strategies

Your frustration over the lack of response to your resumes, along with heightened money concerns, puts you in a very difficult position.

Consider ways to increase your confidence. Finding a personal support system as well as formal resources is a good way to begin. Seek guidance from state and local resources. AZ Workforce Connection, at www.arizonaworkforceconnection.com/jobseekers
.html, provides resources on skills assessment, training and financial aid.

Also assess how you are marketing yourself. Develop an inventory of your skills, experience and results. Don’t overlook concrete results from your contributions.

Locate and fill any gaps in your skill sets. You mentioned that a former employer cited poor performance as a reason for not renewing your contract. Are there areas for improvement or opportunities for increasing computer skills, etc.?

You have used considerable time and energy applying for 150 jobs. In the future, try researching jobs and industries that will be the focus of your efforts. An often-missed opportunity is use of a temporary agency. A high percentage of job seekers who register with temporary agencies obtain regular positions and earn dollars at temporary jobs in the process.

- Compiled by
Patricia Bathurst

The Cardinals are Good
By Pej3
December8, 2008

2008-2009 NFC West Division Champions – Arizona Cardinals. Wow. I can’t believe I am saying those words, and it actually happened! My usual prediction of “Cards 2 Super Bowl in xxxx” actually has a chance of coming true this year! Usually, my prediction is off by the 3rd week of the season. How did we get here? How are the Cardinals 8-5 at this point in the season? How are the Cardinals going to be HOSTING a playoff game? This is unreal. I still don’t believe it.

Before we can understand the magnitude of the situation, we need to take a look back at some Cardinals history. I will focus on the history of the Cardinals since I began to follow them in 1994, the beginning of “Buddy Ball.” From 1994-2007, the combined record of the Cardinals was 73-135. Of the 73 games they won, 6 of them were by more than 14 points. Pretty much every game they have won over the past 14 years was a nail biter, and it cut 3-4 years off of my life. They finished in last or 2nd to last, 11 of those 14 years. They have had a winning record 1 time, the year they beat the Cowboys in the playoffs. Truly, they are one of the worst franchises in sports history. But, at least you can’t accuse me of being a front-runner. The worst part of all of the losing was that every year, they would provide us hope only to be crushed by another 31-3 defeat. I would be so excited for the season to start because “this is the year they are going to turn it around.”

But, my patience and perseverance have paid off. The Cardinals have finally turned it around. By jove, they are GOOD! They aren’t winning games by luck; they are dominating them. Even the handful of games they have lost, they easily could, maybe even should have, won 3 of them. Now, let’s examine the current accomplishments of this season. Through the first 13 games of this miracle season, the Cardinals have won by more than 14 points 4 times, they may potentially have more blowouts this year than over the past 14 years combined! They have won their division for the first time since the mid-1970’s. They will be hosting a playoff game for the first time since 1947! Is this a joke? This year marks the first time the Cardinals started the season 2-0 since 1991! Kurt Warner is doing better this year than in his MVP season with the Rams! They are the 3rd highest scoring team in the NFL, and they are the 2nd highest passing team.

The Cardinals are the division champions. It still sounds awkward to me. We’ve come a long way from “Cruddy Ball” to “Eon of the Simeon” to Jake “The Snake” Plummer to Joke Misablocka. We finally have a legitimate team. We finally have a winner. 14
years in the making and all I gotta say is “I told you so.”

Is this the year that I finally light myself on fire after the Cardinals win the Super Bowl? Who knows…but whatever happens from now to the rest of the season, I do know that this has been the greatest year ever in Cardinals history.

Apparently, Christ did a little proof-reading and got the Tampa Bay Business Journal to change the headline for THIS article.

Taken from THIS article in the Tampa Bay Business Journal. Amen!

Royal Closes Out Saugus in Opener

May 16, 1998 in print edition C-10

Steve Russell had 13 kills while playing only two games and Petr Dusek recorded 28 assists for Royal High in a 15-0, 15-5, 15-8 victory over Saugus in the opening round of the Southern Section Division I boys’ volleyball playoffs Friday night at Royal.

Garrett Herzer had nine kills, and Cam Dickson and Ryan Moberly each had seven for the fifth-seeded Highlanders (20-3), who lost to Esperanza in the division final last season.

Diraj Coats had 16 service points and six kills for Royal.

Royal, the Marmonte League champion, plays Quartz Hill in a second-round game Tuesday at a site to be determined. Quartz Hill defeated Thousand Oaks, 12-15, 16-14, 15-2, 15-13.

In other first-round matches:

Crescenta Valley d. Claremont, 15-7, 15-11, 15-6–Doug English had eight of his 16 kills in the first game and the Falcons (10-7) went on to sweep Claremont (14-4) in a Division I first-round match at Crescenta Valley.

English also had four aces. Pouya Bozorgchami had nine kills and five digs and Josh Misi had 37 assists and five aces for Crescenta Valley.

Newbury Park d. Temple City, 15-11, 15-4, 15-3–Mark Davis had 14 kills and five aces for the Panthers (18-5), who won a Division II first-round match at Newbury Park.

Davis notched three of his aces in the first game.

Collin McKeown added 10 kills, Robert Congelliere had seven kills and four blocks and Casey Patterson had 44 assists for the Panthers.

Campbell Hall d. Southwestern Academy, 15-2, 15-2, 15-7–The Vikings breezed in a Division III first-round match at Campbell Hall.

Jeff Erb had eight kills and Larry Cole had seven kills for Campbell Hall (15-1). Brian Davis had 12 assists.

Alex Wong had four kills and Max Subbotin had two kills for Southwestern (14-4).

Crespi d. Pilgrim, 15-3, 15-3, 15-5–James Spratt had 12 kills and Marcin Jagoda added five kills and two aces for the Celts (14-3), who needed only 50 minutes to win a Division III first-round match at Crespi.

Spratt also had three blocks and Jagoda had two aces.

Matt Miller had 20 assists for Crespi.

Harvard-Westlake d. Littlerock, 15-11, 15-9, 4-15, 11-15, 15-3–Chris Gorny had 24 kills and Marc Mailander added 12 kills and a school-record 11 aces but the Lobos (13-4) lost a Division I first-round match that lasted 2 1/2 hours at Littlerock.

Myles Meegen had 12 kills and 23 assists for Littlerock.

a poem by Vincent Slatt

A Tribute to Judgment Day

Thanksgiving is an age old American tradition. It’s a time for friends and family to unite and spend one day doing what Americans do best…..be lazy and eat ridiculous amounts of food. It is definitely my favorite day of the year. What more can you ask for? With the Thanksgiving tradition came another tradition, a tradition unlike any other……Judgment Day. Every Thanksgiving for the last 5 or so years, Kyrene del Cielo Elementary School transformed into The Old Stomping Grounds. The Old Stomping Grounds played host to one of the best rivalries of our generation. Da Goons vs. The Professionals. Unfortunately, Ryan, the captain of Da Goons, has grown tired of being abused by The Professionals and has rightfully retired. Can you blame the man? The last game was a tough one for Da Goons, as they lost for the first time since the rivalry began. Since the rivalry has come to an end, I have decided to relive some of the great memories I have from this game. I warn you, I was knocked out pretty much every year, so some of my memories may not have actually happened.

Every year, during our “practices” for Judgment Day, I was always the wide receiver. Richard, Greg, or Javan would be named the starting quarterback for the game. However, after about 3 plays, I would take over the quarterback duties. This was always a problem because I can’t throw a spiral, can’t throw it more than 15 yards, and have the accuracy of Jake Plummer. Because of our shady offensive line, I would get HAMMERED. I was hurt pretty much every year. Mild concussion. Broken face. Countless bloody noses. Bruises all over. After one game, I couldn’t raise my arm above my head for 3 weeks. It got to the point where my mom wouldn’t talk to me on Thanksgiving because she barely recognized me after the beating I took. The worst hit was by Chris McD. He sacked me and drove me head first into the ground. My entire forehead was gashed, snot was coming out of my nose, I was seeing stars. Disaster.

Brandon was the tight end/offensive linemen on the team. He never dropped a pass. Unfortunately for him, every time he caught it, Justin would come out of nowhere and demolish him. The best hits of the day would always be on Brandon. His offensive line skills were decent, although he usually was a mere speed bump for Matt on his way to devour the QB (see: ME).

Jason would ALWAYS call the “throw-it-up-to-me-in-the-end-zone-I-guarantee-you-that-I-will-catch-it” play. From my memory, I don’t recall this play EVER working.

Robby and Kris usually played defensive line. For some reason, they felt the need to growl before the ball was snapped.

Da Goons usually had a superior offensive line, so running the ball was the strength of their team. However, at some point during the game, Byrne would start devising these ridiculous trick plays. Triple-reverse flea flickers. Statue of liberty. Half Back toss. Again, as I recall, these plays NEVER worked and sometimes led to The Professionals scoring.

Steve would come into the huddle, DEMANDING the ball. So, we would call a running play for him. He would usually gain about two yards before Steve G. knocked him out of the game with a hit.

Brett M. would “post up” in the end zone and demand the QB to “throw it up!”

Pete F. and the Hail Mary. They ran this play at least once, every year.

Greg M. talking shit to me from the sidelines.

I have a distinct memory of Quigley carrying like 4 of us to the end zone. His whole team was telling him to fall down, and he would refuse. He just kept going forward with 4 guys hanging on to him. “GET OFF ME!”

“Ok fellas. I’m going to run around in the back field until someone gets open.” That was our play call towards the end of every game.

Yassiin was talking shit to Hendricks and then Hendricks laid him out. Although, Yassiin ended up getting a touchdown later in the game.

John breaking tackles down the sideline and slapping people in the face on his way down the field. He would claim it was a “stiff arm.” Ohab would frequently come to the huddle and say “I was wide open, throw the ball.” My response: “I was running for my life.”

Davey dominating the defensive line. Sacking people left and right. Dare I say, Russell Davis-like.

Javan dislocating his shoulder every year.

Richard making like 50 tackles every year. If he didn’t make the tackle, he definitely had an assist in the play. The problem was that if somehow Richard was blocked on the play, Da Goons would gain ridiculous amounts of yardage.

Nima, Roger, Panikos, Troy, Brett, Ben, Greg, Steve, Richard, Brandon and anybody else who played offensive line……THE WORST OFFENSIVE LINE IN HISTORY!

Much love to The Professionals cheering section. We always had a bunch of people come out to watch our games.

I know I left out a lot of the great memories of Judgment Day. So, I encourage everyone to contribute to this article so we can remember all the great things that happened on Judgment Day. It was a tradition that I will never forget. I would like to thank everyone involved in the games for the great memories. Thanksgiving will NEVER be the same without Judgment Day at The Old Stomping Grounds….Da Goons vs. The Professionals!!!!!!

* Movie Quote of the Day: “No more Mr. Passive Resistance.”

For your enjoyment, here are two excerpts from the email “reminders” that Dav sent me regarding the incorrect spelling of his name.

“After 5 years of friendship (1 of which we talked during), the proper spelling of my surname has remained a mystery to you. Like all inbred Britons, you insist on adding the superfluous ‘E’. For the record, Old is not spelled Olde, and Low is not spelled Lowe. Furthermore, fries, what you blokes call ‘chips’ shouldst ne’er be dipped in vinegar.”

“I have vowed not to sign your yearbook until you’ve corrected the spelling of my last name on your Links page. This vow was made to my dying grandmother, rather than listening to her pleas for insulin. When the E is dropped from my last name, then we’ll talk. And your threats of making sure that ‘I never walk again’ are very insensitive, considering the crippling polio I’ve been struggling with since early childhood. The delicious irony is that Jonas Salk is my father, and I was born well after his discovery of a vaccine.”

I’m not sure if copyright laws allow me to do this, but here is a representative cartoon (my personal favorite, coincidentally) from Dav’s daily contribution to the University of Arizona newspaper. You can check out the rest of his work on his website or at The Arizona Daily Wildcat.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “I aim to kill you with it. Mmm.”

For now, here is an excerpt from Linds’ first email home after arriving in France.

I arrived in Paris this morning, after a wonderful series of flights that included the movies “The Core” and “Daredevil.” I am pleased to say I ’slept’ through both. The girls I am traveling with and I walked quite a bit through Paris today, and exhaustion combined with jetlag has left the two of them sleeping in our room. Of course, I made my quick escape to the hotel’s internet station. I have one more day to enjoy Paris and then I am off to Bordeaux to start the language program. i guess there is quite a lot to say about what I’ve experienced in the short time I’ve been here including: cars that look like they are the amputated parts of other cars, why I smell so bad, and how exhilarating Paris is the second time around.

Also, here are some representative pictures (with Lindsay’s commentary) to tide you over until you visit my website.

Me looking “my best” at the Eiffel Tower

Erin and I picking grapes

Stroking my baguette

Untitled

Jackie and I in front of St. Eloi, or as I like to call it, “Eurodisney”.

Of course I’m making this face…

* Dante S. Quote of the Day: “But, Sappy, no!”

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: This notice from Yahoo regarding their fantasy football league: “If you wish to receive any live stats (including HTML within the game) after the conclusion of Week 2, you must purchase the StatTracker add-on.”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “I am job… I am job…”

Cards to the Super Bowl in Cards 2004!!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again. My Arizona Cardinals 2003-2004 preview! Now, I understand some of you may have lost faith in my ability to predict the Cardinals fortunes since I have been absolutely wrong every single year for the last decade or so. Sure, I’ve predicted the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl every year, yet they have had only one winning season (see: Greatest Day of My Life: Cardinals beating Cowboys in the playoffs). However, this year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones.

First off, the Cardinals got rid of the worst football player in NFL history, Jake “The Joke” Plummer. This guy was a walking tragedy. I’m not quite sure at what point in his career he forgot what team he plays for, but he really needs to work on throwing to players on his team. How many times did he have someone WIDE OPEN and under throw them by 5 yards? Or overthrow them by 5 yards? If I ever have to hear, “Cardinals have a man WIDE OPEN with nobody around in the end zone…Plummer throws….this could be the turning point in the game….this could be the turning point in the season….and Plummer overthrows his man by 15 yards,” I’m going to punch Greg in the face. And what the hell is this crap about Plummer being athletic? He is a skinny kid who probably can’t bench 100 pounds. He is slower than some 400 pound offensive linemen. He has the arm of a 3rd grade school girl. How is he athletic? I hate that guy. Here is a quote from a pre-season game the Broncos had this year:

“…but that didn’t stop him from being booed in his first home game with the Broncos. Plummer fumbled his first snap, threw a pass that Colts linebacker Gary Brackett should have intercepted, and missed a wide-open Ed McCaffrey on what would have been an 18-yard touchdown. And that was just on the first drive. He dropped another snap in the second quarter, then was booed after Anthony Floyd intercepted his overthrown pass on Denver’s first drive of the third period.”

That brings back some fond memories. Good thinking Broncos. Anyway, the point I am trying to get it is that I hate Jake Plummer and the Cardinals are infinitely times better without his goofy ass.

The second reason I feel this is the year for the Cardinals is because they replaced Joel Mackovica aka Joke Mis-a-blocka with a pro bowl fullback, James Hodgins. For those of you not familiar with the role of the fullback, there main job is to block for the running back. Thus, it is not good to have a fullback with the nickname “Mis-a-blocka.” Mackovica was the second worst football player I have ever seen. The Cardinals ran one play for him, the “Give-the-ball-to-Mackovica-for-minus-1” play followed immediately by “Mackovica-fumbles-the-ball-and-it-is-returned-for-a-touchdown” play. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the play worked every time the coaches called it, but I don’t think it had the desired effect they intended. Mackovica couldn’t block a damn thing. How many times did he run the opposite way and the Cardinals running backs would get absolutely crushed by the man he was supposed to be blocking? And he would just keep running. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING JOEL!?!?!? Couldn’t he figure out he made a mistake when there is NOBODY to block because they are all gang tackling the running back? I hate that guy.

The third reason the Cardinals will dominate the NFC West is because they don’t have Frank Sanders, WIDE receiver. I emphasize “wide” because Frank was always WIDE open. The reason? HE COULDN’T CATCH ANYTHING! It was actually a brilliant strategy by the other team. Cover everyone else. Leave Frank wide open. He drops the ball. Brilliant. If by a Gift from God, he managed to hold on to the football, he would begin running towards the end zone, as any football player should. However, 99 percent of the time, he would trip on his own feet or just fall for absolutely no reason. This man is paid millions of dollars to simply catch an oblong object and run. Simple. He couldn’t do either. I hate that guy.

As you can see, the Cardinals have done addition by subtraction at key positions. They’ve also added some very good players. Dexter “Dominated-Jen’s-Team-in-the-Super-Bowl-because-Rich-Gannon-sucks”Jackson, who was the Super Bowl MVP fills in at free safety where he and Adrian Wilson will form an awesome safety tandem. Wendell Bryant, the first round pick from a year ago, looks like he’s got his weight under 500 pounds this year. According to my scout, Richard Somers, he has looked very good this preseason. Calvin Pace, the rookie defensive end they drafted this year, looked quite dominating in the preseason as well. There defense figures to be better than last year. On a side note, why does the best player on the team have to be hurt every year in preseason? This happens to no other team. Cardinals lost their best defensive end, Vanden Bosch, and their best cornerback, Starks, for the year. Why can’t we have ONE preseason where the 8th string fullback gets hurt? Luckily for the Cardinals, they have a very deep team. There offense also got better with the aforementioned subtractions as well as the addition of former Captain of Pejman’s “I hate that guy” team, Emmitt Smith. There offensive line seems to be healthy for the first time in years. How could they lose?

The Cardinals play the easiest schedule in the NFL this year. They had their first UNDEFEATED preseason since 1995. Of course, they finished 4-12 that year, but this year will be different. Things are looking very good people. They are going to dominate the league and, dare I say it, WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!! In the words of the immortal Jason Byrne, “I guarantee my guarantee…I guarantee it.”

Also, here is my fantasy football team for those of you who were dying to know (nobody). As you may have guessed, it is the greatest and best fantasy team ever drafted.

QB Manning, Peyton (QB-Ind)
WR Holt, Torry (WR-StL)
WR Johnson, Kevin (WR-Cle)
WR Brown, Tim (WR-Oak)
RB Holmes, Priest (RB-KC)
RB Smith, Emmitt (RB-Ari)
TE Pollard, Marcus (TE-Ind)
Bench Smith, Steve (WR-Car)
Bench Williams, Moe (RB-Min)
Bench Kennison, Eddie (WR-KC)
Bench Patten, David (WR-NE)
Bench Johnson, Doug (QB-Atl)
Bench Brady, Kyle (TE-Jac)

K Akers, David (K-Phi)

D Wilson, Adrian (DB-Ari)
DL Urlacher, Brian (DL-Chi)
DL Brooking, Keith (DL-Atl)
DB Knight, Sammy (DB-Mia)
DB Green, Mike (DB-Chi)

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: Jen going to Jack in the Box to get a cup of ice water and then ordering orange juice because she felt guilty about ordering only a cup of ice water.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Help me help you! Help me help you!”