After a year full of shame and self-doubt, I finally accepted that Eric Schafer of Houston, TX, had indeed annihilated all of my Super Mario Kart records on Twin Galaxies. Now, the comeback.

I have to admit: it’s getting harder and harder to beat these records every year. A wide turn or a bad landing makes the difference almost every time. It’s also getting stranger and stranger to be a grown man filming myself playing a video game on a Super Nintendo Entertainment System that I received when I was 13 years-old. Let’s table that conversation for another day.

Below, I’ve posted the videos for my five most recent Twin Galaxies-certified records: Choco Island 1, Ghost Valley 2, and Mario Circuit 2. I hope that you enjoy viewing the videos and being impressed by them.

NOTE: In case you’re wondering, I am required by Twin Galaxies to film the TV and the console itself, as well as film five seconds of “dead-air” before powering up the system all the way through to the end of the race. This footage was taken from the original videos that I submitted to Twin Galaxies for review; however, I’ve edited out the console startup process to make the videos more watchable on YouTube.

Choco Island 1: Fastest Race


Choco Island 1: Fastest Lap


Ghost Valley 2: Fastest Race


Ghost Valley 2: Fastest Lap


Mario Circuit 2: Fastest Race

In January, my friend Carla invited me to the gaming and music conference, MagFest 2011, to challenge attendees to a game of Super Mario Kart. As an added bonus, the conference staff agreed to give a free t-shirt to anyone who could beat me. Over four hours, I went 75-2.

None of that is depicted in this video. However, you will get to see me attempt and fail to beat my current Twin Galaxies world record on Mario Circuit 1.

It was a strange experience. Upon losing/winning, I felt the same smorgasbord of emotions that Bobby Fischer must have experienced after playing himself in chess. Yes, I am comparing the two.

Here are some picture that I think you will enjoy.

Alex selects the character that he will use while being annihilated by John.

The woman on the right beat me twice in a row, so I gave up my seat to the gentleman on the left.

MagFest featured many arcade games and people playing arcade games.

The official MagFest tweet encouraged people to be annihilated at Super Mario Kart.

If you were in my 2010 Fantasy Football league, this is the team that would have annihilated you.

Kurt’s Warner

Offense
QB Aaron Rodgers, Green Bay Packers
WR Calvin Johnson Detroit Lions
WR Lance Moore, New Orleans Saints
RB Jamaal Charles Kansas City Chiefs
RB Matt Forte Chicago Bears
TE Randy McMichael San Diego Chargers
W/R Ahmad Bradshaw NY Giants

Kickers
Mason Crosby Green Bay Packers

Defense/Special Teams
New England Patriots

Bench
Todd Heap (Bal – TE)
Matt Ryan (Atl – QB)
Antonio Gates (SD – TE)
Mario Manningham (NYG – WR)
Terrell Owens (Cin – WR)

Well, it’s time to revisit my Quest to own every single Super Mario Kart record. Eric Schafer from Houston, TX, has annihilated virtually all of my records. Woohoo! Time to fire up the ol’ SNES!

This article was written for ScienceCheerleader.com. By reading it, you justify the public humiliation that I endured while walking nearly a mile with a giant red balloon.

To mark the 40th anniversary of the Internets, the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has announced the DARPA Network Challenge, a competition that will explore the role of social networking in communication, team building, and group mobilization. The challenge is to be the first person to submit the locations of 10 8-foot, red, weather balloons at 10 fixed locations in the continental United States.

Here’s how it works: The red balloons will be deployed on Saturday, December 5, in readily accessible locations and visible from nearby roads. Teams and collaborators will have approximately 9 days, until 12:00 PM (ET) on December 14, to collect the locations of the balloons and submit their entries.  All locations must be submitted in latitude and longitude coordinates. The event is open to individuals of all ages irrespective of nationality or residency (except Federal employees and their spouses and dependents), but first you must register your team on  the DARPA Network Challenge website.

Find the red balloons. Win $40,000. Do you have what it takes to be the next Balloon Boy/Girl?

In August, Brandon Skar of Snoqualmie, WA, systematically destroyed all of my Super Mario Kart Records on Twin Galaxies. I’ve chipped away at his efforts with five new World Records, but there is still a long way to go before The Quest is complete. I will try to post some of my record-setting runs on the YouTubes when I get a chance.

Click on these links to be impressed by my accomplishments [note: In 2011, Twin Galaxies redesigned their website, breaking all of these links in the process. You can search for these records at http://twingalaxies.com]:

Ghost Valley 1 – Fastest Race

Ghost Valley 1 – Fastest Lap

Ghost Valley 2 – Fastest Lap

Donut Plains 1 – Fastest Race

Donut Plains 1 – Fastest Lap

There’s gotta be a Facebook app for this out there somewhere.

Not that I’m looking for more work, but it appears The Quest will need quite a reboot. During the past month, someone named Brandon Skar from Snoqualmie, WA, did a number on my once impressive array of Super Mario Kart records. I now hold world records in just three categories and am runner-up in 14 categories and second runner-up in one category.

It’s interesting to note that he didn’t record any scores on my favorite course, Mario Circuit 1 (12.11 lap and 1:00:93 race), but perhaps he had bigger fish to fry (i.e., maintaining his Nintendo Wii Sports Resort records?).

This is good. I’m excited. It’s always nice to have a little competition.

Let The Quest begin…again!

The Vancouver Aquarium has re-imagined the classic arcade game, Frogger, to better reflect the global decline in the amphibian population. The new version, Frogster, retains the spirit of the original game (e.g., horrendous controls and even more horrendous graphics) but now offers a myriad of new dangers, including loss of habitat, pesticides, pollution, and other human factors. The game also provides informative “Did you know?” facts about the amphibian population; for instance, did you know that air pollution is deadly because frogs breathe through their skin? Neither did I!

Frogster is advertised as “The Hardest Game You’ll Ever Play”, and they aren’t kidding. Navigating through car exhaust, polluted water, and human interference is a lot harder when you’re a helpless little frog. In fact, it was so frustrating to watch my frogs repeatedly drowned or flattened by oncoming traffic that I was compelled to help.

FrogWatch USA makes it easy! Since 1998, they’ve leveraged citizen scientists to monitor the health and behavior of various frog species around the country. In as little as 20 minutes a week, you can monitor frogs and toads in your own neighborhood wetlands and help scientists develop practical ways to help conserve these important animals. You can even learn to make your own frog calls — great fun at parties!

So play Frogster, get motivated, and let’s start monitoring some frogs!

Change You Can Bocce

The 2009 spring bocce season has already offered its share of adversity. A 10-minute torrential downpour postponed Week 1, and DC Metro construction left Change You Can Bocce without two of its stars, Mr. Awesome and Dr. Clutch, for its Week 2 match against Bocce Ballers. Even worse, our Week 2 match took place on the bocce courts, which meant we didn’t have the luxury of relying on the unpredictable grassy terrain, “the great equalizer”, to mask our inadequacies.

For these very reasons–and because they agreed to pay the $40 entrance fee–we recruited two entirely new team members for the 2009 spring season. Until Week 2, neither of these individuals had even so much as cradled a bocce ball in their hands, let alone competed in an organized league, and therefore neither had been assigned nicknames clever enough to pass our rigorous nickname-vetting process. After all, everyone knows that nicknames can only be awarded for amazing feats of physical dominance, clutch maneuvers, or generous gifts of golds and spices.

Fast forward to the end of our Week 2 match — the score is 13-10 and only a few minutes remain until the game is called. Our newest teammate, Anuj, against all notions of logic and tradition, hurls his ball into a tight corner, knocking all of our opponents balls out the way, and securing a 16-10 victory for his team. A HUGE shot by Anuj! An-HUUGE!!

And, so it was decided, to the list of Change You Can Bocce members, which includes The Beast, The Enforcer, The Captain, Unkle Unkool, Mr. Awesome, and Dr. Clutch, we add An-HUGE!

Now that we have that resolved, we will try to work on perfecting our simultaneous complex aerial maneuvers, as demonstrated quite unsuccessfully in the above picture.

—————————————————————————————
Week 2, April 28: Change You Can Bocce 16, Bocce Ballers 10

Regular Season Record: 1-0
—————————————————————————————

While we were disappointed that our match was cancelled, we were thrilled to pick up our swanky teal team t-shirts. That’s right: TEAL. Become familiar. It is the color of inevitability. The color of your doom.

DC Bocce League: mark your calendars for June 13, the DC Bocce Spring Championship. There will be a Tea(l)bagging party, and everyone is invited.

(cue extended maniacle laughter)

Red stars were added through sophisticated digital image editing software to indicate best lap and race.

The following message was left by “The Challenger” on my Guestbook:

Yo, I just beat one of your Mario Kart Records. I won’t tell you which one, but I’m coming for you =) D.K. Jr. all the way.

Confident and shrouded in secrecy, The Challenger did reveal one pitfall in his approach to Super Mario Kart: an unwavering devotion to Donkey Kong Jr. Absurdity. Anyone who knows anything about Super Mario Kart for SNES knows that Bowser is a far superior character. Perhaps a series of coincidental performances convinced The Challenger to develop this Donkey Kong Jr. superstition. Perhaps The Challenger was just having a good day. Perhaps The Challenger is part ape himself. Perhaps The Challenger does not believe in dinasaurs and thus finds a dinasaur capable of driving to be completely ridiculous. I cannot be certain.

Whatever his reasonining, I can assure you that Bowser is a far superior Super Mario Kart racer for the SNES–better top speed, better turning, better acceleration. And, I, putting forth even half my full effort, am a far better driver than any challenger. This has been proven.

I accept The Challenger’s challenge, and unlike Marcus from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, I am up to the challenge.

While federal policymakers work to resolve our nation’s economic crisis, I have refocused all of my attention toward my quest to achieve world domination in Super Mario Kart. This time, I bring you eight new best race and best lap World Records. Click HERE to view the *official* TwinGalaxies.com press release announcing my accomplishments and HERE to visit my TwinGalaxies.com player profile, where you can view all of my records, including these most recent additions:

One of my Christmas gifts was Balderdash, the self-proclaimed “Hilarious Bluffing Game” that you might remember from dozens of nights with Jasonand Brandon during our youth. While some of our classic definitions will be posted in the future, this journal entry will only detail the humorous contributions from our most recent Balderdash game. You see, the *new* Balderdash includes four new categories–movies, people, laws, and abbreviations–in addition to the usual list of obscure words. On Saturday, Ashwini, Brandon, Javan, Jen C, Jenny G, Pejman and his two cousins Sal (aka The Fatty’s) and Sarah, Richard, Vivian, and I all gathered at Javan’s new house for a fun-filled, though highly competitive holiday contest. Below I’ve listed what I consider to be some of the funniest moments during the game.

Movies

Six Lessons from Madame LaZonga:

- A 1967 drama involving a young French maiden and a chimney sweeper. (Javan)
- Madame LaZonga runs a finishing school for unruly girls in 1920′s America. (Vivian)
- A young woman attends boarding school and learns she is heir to the throne. (Brandon)
- The story of a man that became a legend when he became a bear. (John)

Buford’s Beach Bunnies:

- Harry Buford got rich selling barbecued rabbit sandwiches and now wants to leave the business to his son. (correct)
- An animated film of rabbits that escape from the farm to find themselves on an enchanted beach. (Jen C.)

Definitions

trichobezoar:
- A gesture that also performs magic tricks. (Jenny G.)

Laws

In the outback of New Zealand, it is still illegal to light…
…wood. (Pejman)
…fires on an animals back. (Bun)
…one’s pipe from the fire of the chief. (correct)

People

Lita Nahas:
- Discovering her sexuality at a young age with her wheelchair-bound half-brother half-orc…brother, she went on to develop a method of colon cleansing that minimized anal irritation. (Bun)
- a Mexican/Greek goddess. (Richard)

Abbreviations

I.O.O.F:

International Opposition to Old Fortresses (Jenny G.)
Inland Ohio’s Opera Foundation (Jen C.)
I Onced “Oopsed” For three hours. (Bun)
International Organization of Obsolete Frenchman

I.F.S.B:

International Flatulent Shark Beaters (Richard)
Indian Freedom Salt Bath (Sal)

I hadn’t played Balderdash for a couple of years, so it was particularly satisfying that I dominated every aspect of the game and won in glorious fashion. In fact, Saturday marked the first time in my entire life that I actually knew a definition (for the word “glabrescent”, meaning “without hair”). As always, it was great seeing everyone together, and it was a clear reminder of why we’ve remained close throughout college and beyond.

* Go Figure of the Day: The MS Word spellchecker didn’t recognize “trichobezoar” as a word.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “She likes music.”