Last week, I saw Jason Alexander in the upper west side of New York City waiting to be seated for brunch in what can only be described as the most weather-inappropriate clothing I have seen in my entire life. What an authentic New York City moment!

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This Pepsi commercial starring Jimmy Fallon and Parker Posey is perhaps my favorite commercial of all time for reasons that include but are not limited to:

1. The background music, “Steamline” by Newton, comes with a mandatory 10-day period in which one cannot stop whistling the tune.

2. Jimmy Fallon’s dance moves look exactly how my dance moves would look if I were dancing through a crowded city street. Ironically, I’ve spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to emulate his elbow maneuver at the :59 mark and have yet to figure it out. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible. Seriously, try it. Impossible.

You may not know it, but you have a celebrity double. Everyone does. It’s not something you can control or influence. It doesn’t matter if you agree. Your celebrity double may not be particularly famous, the same gender as you, or even a human, but your double is out there, doing whatever it is that celebrity doubles do, just waiting to be identified.

Sadly (or perhaps quite impressively?), I seem to have an unprecedented ability to identify these synergies. Take a look at my personal archive for evidence. Now, I don’t make the rules or create the parings. Your celebrity doubles are mandated by a being far more powerful than me. My role is to simply point out the truth through conveniently positioned thumbnails like the ones below.

Coincidentally, my science and engineering friends have provided a wonderful array of case studies for celebrity doubles both real and imaginary: a) Jackie, ocean conservationist, and actress Christina Ricci, b) Uday, a neuroscientist, and New Orleans Governor Bobby Jindal, c) Brian, neuroscientist and Shrek, and d) Brandon, a computer engineer, and Olympic swimmer, Michael Phelps. Celebrity doubles, like scientists and non-scientists, come in all shapes and sizes. And sometimes it clearly takes a little creativity to make them apparent.

But, even I’m having a bit of hard time coming up with a celebrity double for our very own Science Cheerleader. Surely, Shrek won’t make the cut this time, but there must be someone (or something) out there to do her justice.

It’s a classic case of Celebrity Double Trouble, and I need your help! Any ideas? (Free T-shirt if we select your idea!)

I saw Denise Austin at Trader Joes yesterday. I thought it would be an amazing opportunity to learn her nutrition secrets. Then, I noticed that her entire grocery cart was filled with Mochi Ice Cream (green tea). Man alive!

Jessica Simpson, Tiger Woods, and Tony Romo

Hey Jessica, Freddy Krueger’s wife called. She wants her dress back.

On Dec 27th, I saw Charles Barkley walking out of a movie theater in Phoenix. Three days later, he is arrested on suspicion on drunk driving. Coincidence? I’ll let you be the judge.

There are many awkward scenes in this episode including but not limited to: every scene involving Mario Lopez and this strange slow-motion version of Nurse Jennifer undoing her hair for Zack.

Try this for yourself. You don’t even have to go to her website. She’ll never know. Just send a self-addressed, stamped envelope (8″x11″) to: 203 Fair Meadow Circle, Houston, PA 15342. It’s that easy.

Special Alert: As I was preparing this Journal entry, I found that Michael Phelps’ confusing and advertisement-laden website also provides a mailing address for free autographs. I’m going to send my envelope out tomorrow, and, just in case you are interested in this opportunity, you can also send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: Michael Phelps, P.O. Box 1734, Olney, MD 20830-1734. Report back if you have any success.

Now that we have an answer to the longstanding question regarding Clay Aiken’s sexual orientation, it’s time to ask an even more important one: can we really trust this man to responsibly raise a human child when it was his judgement that has forced us to endure such a deplorable array of haircuts?

Despite his less-than-athletic appearance, the so-called “Iced Cube” was a lot harder to outrun than Pouya and I had anticipated. The Iced Cube eventually agreed to stop following us if Pouya would pose for one cell phone picture to show his friends. At Pouya’s request, the Iced Cube emailed the picture to us later that night.

Though not quite the motherload that is William Hung, I should also mention that last weekend, while waiting to fly home to Phoenix, I spotted former Lakers/Suns/Mavericks/Lakers/Heat forward A.C. Green walking around LAX. You might remember AC Green from his self-proclaimed virginity throughout his NBA career or from his record 1192 consecutive games played.

Also:

John: AC Green is at the airport
Ashwini: Is he not having sex with people?

Before heading for vacation in Japan and Taiwan, newly doctored Dr. Vivian Tang met Ashwini and I for dinner at Nathalie Thai. While enjoying some interesting conversation and delicious Thai cuisine, Ashwini spotted quite possibly the greatest sports hero of our generation: Lakers sharp-shooting point guard, Smush Parker. After a few moments debating whether Ashwini had the intestinal fortitude to actually approach this demi-god, she made her way to his table and graciously asked for a photo. As if the notion was even possible, our night of super star celebrity sightings would get even more memorable. You see, after interrupting the man and his friends during their dinner to take a cell phone picture, Ashwini walked away adding, “I guess I should tell you that I’m a Suns fan now”. The look on Smush’s face was priceless. Were he not too busy adjusting his random college basketball hat slightly off-center, he most certainly would have stabbed her in the throat.

The countdown begins for next May when Ashwini leaves LA. How many celebrities will we see before then? Only time will tell.

Could this be my first celebrity sighting without celebrity-magnet, Ashwini S.? Indeed, walking directly behind us was Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Shriver, their entire family, and of course a half-dozen body guards. The irony here being that the body guards were significantly smaller and less intimidating than Arnold himself. For the record, Maria looks even more unhealthy in person and eerily similar to Skeletor, and therefore was considered far more intimidating than either the body guards or Arnold.

I was lucky get two quick photos of the Governator and his family eating their Sunday brunch and then escape out the backdoor to celebrate my snapshots (pix message them to everyone with a pulse). The same cannot be said for Justine, who was stopped by Arnold’s body guards after she made direct eye contact with the Governator himself. Last I saw, she appeared to be engaged in some kind of mortal combat with Arnold, though this quickly came to end when he broke a chair over her head and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Who is ya daddy, and what he does do?!”

Justine will be missed…particularly because we are supposed to give a conjoint presentation on Tuesday, and she has the proposal on her computer.

Ashwini: Hey! What time is the Pittsurgh/Patriots game? I assume you’ll be watching it?
John: Yeah, it’s the 1pm game. Brian/Josh and I are watching it while i TIVO and flip randomly to the Cardinals game. I will rewatch the Cardinals game that night if they win!
Ashwini: In other words, you’ll be sleeping early on Sunday

Harrison Ford
Kris Kristofferson
Jillian Barberie
Pete Sampras
Bridgette Wilson

Maybe next time I’ll have Ashwini there to ensure a photograph for the journal! On that note, I leave you with…

We learned from our Adam Sandler experience in this same Jerry’s Deli that a digital camera/cellphone combination device is particularly handy in these types of situations. So, Ashwini grabbed the phone and asked Shaq for a picture. His response was, “I don’t take pictures while I’m eating”. Go figure. Ashwini retreated back to our table to wait for Shaq to finish eating. Some time later, Shaq finished eating and we followed him outside for a photo. Below you’ll find a picture of Ashwini, Nick, and Shaq outside of Jerry’s Deli. Ashwini is the one on the right. We attempted to catch another glorious shot with Shaq–this time with me in the picture–but my cell phone/digital camera combo device ran out of memory, and before we knew it, Shaq was off to take pictures with other people.

And, now, another amusing IM exchange between Le Bouvier and I:

John: Do you like clowns?
Seth: midget, yes
Seth: murderous, no
Seth: bye

* Richard S. of the Day: “Is that Brett?”

* Shaq to Ashwini of the Day: “Are you Indian?”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Some people laugh through their teeth, goodness sakes, fizzing and hissing like snakes!”

After a few minutes, Ashwini emerged from the crowd with a huge smile on her face. She had met the likes of John Lovitz (who looked like he’d eaten one too many pizzas that night and slept in that outfit one too many times), Rob Schneider (who is as short as he looks and who Ashwini addressed as “Mr. Pauly Shore”), Kid Rock (who looks like he stepped right out of Deliverance), and of course, Adam Sandler himself (who is much shorter than you think and whose head is comparable to your average pumpkin). Ashwini’s lone memento from the evening was this quick picture that someone took using my digital camera. Not the best quality of all time, but it certainly proves that this crazy story is true! Also, hey, Adam. Thanks for looking good at your own damn premiere. And, what’s the deal with that guy in the background who looks like but isn’t Roberto Benigni?

* Movie Quote of the Day: “He could be OK.”

An item of clarification: when I said “Joy and I” watched the movie with “Brian/Josh and Kathy”, I really meant to say that Brian/Josh and I watched the movie while Joy slept on the couch next to us, only waking up periodically to say “What? Is that an added scene?” and then immediately falling back to sleep.

The Spiderman 2 trailer came out this afternoon in glorious QuickTime, confirming what Lindsor had previously suspected: Kirsten Dunst is in fact Billy Corgan, the lead singer of The Smashing Pumpkins.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “And my axe!”

And, now, I thought I would leave you with the conclusion of last night’s IM conversation with Richard:

John: Alright, Richard, I should get to sleep.
John: Take it easy man!
Richard: gnite, i ate a 5 pound bowl of raisin bran for dinner

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Do you want me to make some sandwiches?”

Then, I came across an article that reprinted a 25-year-old interview in which he admitted to smoking marijuana and taking part in an orgy with other weightlifters. In the interview, he admitted:

“Body builders party a lot, and once, in Gold’s – the gym in Venice, California, where all the top guys train – there was a black girl who came out naked. Everybody jumped on her and took her upstairs, where we all got together.”

Asked if he was talking about a “gang-bang”, Schwarzenegger answered, “Yes, but not everybody, just the guys who can fuck in front of other guys. Not everybody can do that. Some think that they don’t have a big-enough cock, so they can’t get a hard-on.

“Having chicks around is the kind of thing that breaks up the intense training. It gives you relief, and then afterward you go back to the serious stuff.”

That’s pretty hilarious, especially when you consider that he looked like this:

I’m in the library working my way through a fun paper on the MEK-C/EBP Pathway and its significance in growth factor-regulated cortical neurogenesis (insert fart sound here), so I should get back to that. Three more days of journal club until we’re finished with all of the papers!

* Math Problem of the Day: John + Last Night + Chicken Curry + Coconut Milk Tea with Tapioca Balls = Badness

* Movie Quote of the Day: “See you at the party Richter!”

–When Screech gives Zack some of his imported chocolates (remember Zack later gives the “Chocolate Covered Grasshoppers” and “Caramel Caterpillars” to Mr. Belding in a sinister plot to get out of class) to Zack, and says, “Afghanistan makes the best chocolate covered grasshoppers!”. I wonder if they actually do….

–Throughout the episode, characters refer to the day as “Ditch Day” or ”Senior Ditch Day” or “Cut Day” with no consistency at all. In response to A.C.’s challenge to skip out on every class, Zack proclaims himself as “The King of Ditch Day”. Assuming Zack is a senior only once during the show, and if the day is called “Senior Ditch Day”, how could he possibly be the “King”? This would be his first time experiencing ditch day.

–The scene on the beach when A.C. Slater is rubbing lotion on Kelly because her shoulders are “burning up”. This was most uncomfortable sexual tension on screen since Jodi Foster and Richard Gere shared a kiss in Somersby

–Jesse and her fellow student council friend Graham protesting for “No Foam Plastic Cups” in an attempt to “Save the World”. What I don’t understand is why Graham plays such an important role in this show–offering such profound statements as “Two people can make a difference. It only takes a spark to start a fire!”–and then disappears from the face of the earth and is never heard from in another episode.

–Mrs. Cullpepper, their visually-challenged teacher looking in the wrong direction when Zack calls her name. From neuroanatomy class, we know that bad vision would not cause her to look the wrong way because that would fall under the audio-visual reflexes category, which is oh by the way, controlled in part by the Tectospinal tract.

–Again Mrs. Cullpepper, who begins her geography lesson by saying ” Nairobi is here”. After looking closer she realizes she’s pointing to the wrong place, and says, “Next to Las Vegas??”. What is even funnier is that she’s actually pointing at San Diego. Why would her bad vision cause her to have a poor understanding of language? Wouldn’t she still read “Las Vegas” as saying “Las Vegas”?

–Back to the Student Council meeting… How did Zack get voted in with such a bad attitude and general disinterest in academia?

–The scene in the movie theatre where Kelly hugs A.C. because “it was a really scare scene in the movie”. Does anyone else wonder why the movie theatre seats are none other than fold out patio chairs?

I need to go to the store really quick, but I promise to write more later…

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Every man dies, but not every man really lives!”

So what do I think SHOULD have a) been nominated and b) won? The answer is only partially complete. I haven’t seen the “Quiet American”, “Talk to Her”, or “Catch Me If You Can”, so I can’t comment on those. I do think Adaptation should have at least been nominated, as well as a handful of other movies could have been considered like “Rabbit Proof Fence”, “Y Tu Mama Tambien”, “Punch Drunk Love”, and “About Schmidt”. And, of course, there are always five or so foreign movies that we’ll never see that are probably far better than anything from America. Ultimately, I don’t know what I think should have won, except that it should not have been “Chicago”.

* Random Observation of the Day: Has anyone else ever noticed that when you spellcheck in MS Outlook/Word and it comes to “Pejman”, it suggests that you use the word “Penman” instead.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Some mothafucka’s always trying to iceskate up hill.”