Thanks to Science Cheerleader, I had the opportunity to visit Lincoln Financial Field this past weekend to see the Arizona Cardinals vs. Philadelphia Eagles game, an epic showdown of two underachieving bird-related teams. As you can see from the picture, we had great seats right behind the Cardinals bench. As you can see from this blog post, I survived.

Oh, and the Cardinals won 21-17.

This post originally appeared on Science Cheerleader:

The Science Cheerleaders – professional cheerleaders pursuing science and technology careers – often are asked, “What’s it like to be a cheerleader AND a scientist?” or “When did you first know you wanted to be an engineer?”

During our live events, fans and youngsters have the opportunity to ask questions and get them answered by the Science Cheerleaders on the spot. Now, we’re extending this opportunity to you, too!

The 2011-2012 Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders, six of whom are pursuing science and engineering careers, have offered to answer the most popular questions submitted through Tuesday August 23rd. Questions with the most votes from the public will be answered by the cheerleaders during a videotaped interview at their Tempe, AZ, training facility.

You can submit your questions to these Science Cheerleaders by tweeting to @SciCheer or commenting on this blog post, the YouTube video, or our Facebook Page. Extra points to anyone who leaves a YouTube video response. If you like someone else’s question, retweet it, up vote it, like it — whatever you have to do to let them know you’d like that question answered.

Below, each of the Arizona Cardinals Science Cheerleaders has shared a little about themselves. Take a look and then ask ‘em anything by August 23rd.

Hi, I’m Samantha, and I’m not just you’re average cheerleader; I’m studying Engineering Management with a focus in Mechanical Engineering at Arizona State University. I am also a national member of the Society of Women Engineers and currently interning at Microchip Technology. This is my rookie year as an Arizona Cardinals Cheerleader, but I have been dancing my whole life and even won the national pom championship my senior year of high school.

Hi, my name is Kristi, and I work professionally in the two best professions anyone could ask for: cheerleading and science! I started cheerleading when I was very young, continued throughout high school and college,and now I am a proud second year member of the Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders. Outside of cheerleading, I obtained a Bachelors of Science in Nursing degree and am blessed to currently work in my third year as a Registered Nurse with emphasis on Women and Infant services.

My name is Emily, and I am studying Biomedical Engineering at Arizona State University. I am currently an intern at Intel and love it, but hope one day to work on research and development in medical technology after receiving a Masters degree. This is my first year on the Arizona Cardinals cheer team, but I was Captain of my varsity high school team, part of the dance company and cheer for all four years, and was a part of the Arizona State University Spirit Squad for one year.

Hi, my name is Maria, and I am a rookie member of the 2011 Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders. I graduated from Rice University with a degree in political science and earned my J.D. from the University of Arizona in 2010. When it’s not gameday, you can find me at work as an Advocacy Specialist for the Girl Scouts, where I collaborate with local lawmakers on policies to provide increased exposure to the national STEM initiative. Helping to promote the next generation of female scientists, engineers, IT professionals, and mathematicians is one of the most rewarding aspects of my job!

Hi, I’m Nicole, and I am a fourth year member and line captain for the Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders. I studied kinesiology and earned my Bachelor of Science degree from Arizona State University. When I am not on the field, you can find me at a local physical therapy clinic working hands on with the science and physiology behind body movement.

My name is Jacque, and I am a Licensed Professional Civil Engineer who received my B.S.E. in Civil Engineering from Arizona State University. I have been cheerleading since the age of five, and I am proud and honored to now be a professional cheerleader and a rookie member of the amazing Arizona Cardinals Cheerleaders.

The Arizona Cardinals may not be having their best season ever, but they have at least one superstar on the team this year.

Meet Marcie, a 4th year Cardinals cheerleader and a Technical Marketing Engineer at Intel. I had a chance to interview Marcie over at Science Cheerleader and learn about he she balances these two seemingly different careers.

Make sure to read the article! Every unique visitor is guaranteed to translate into small bits of karma, which could collectively lead the Cardinals to victory against the 49ers on Monday Night Football. Now, if only I could talk to coach Wisenhunt about giving Marcie a shot at quarterback…

Two weeks and two interviews with San Francisco 49ers Gold Rush cheerleaders who are both smarter and have better abs than me. If I don’t get to work, I may lose the “John O-Ab” moniker that I have secretly given to myself and not revealed in a public forum until now.

Christine’s story is pretty awesome. She has a Masters in biomedical engineering from Arizona State and is currently pursing a PhD in the Joint Graduate Group in Bioengineering at UC Berkeley and UC San Francisco. And she previously cheered for the Arizona Cardinals and the Phoenix Suns, which by default pretty much makes her my favorite former Cardinals and Suns cheerleader. Go Science!

You should also check out the previous interview with Erica.

I recently had the opportunity to interview San Francisco 49ers Gold Rush cheerleader, Erica, for a story on ScienceCheerleader.com. In addition to her cheerleading duties, Erica is software engineer who develops online courses for graduate students. As someone who operates in the seemingly unrelated worlds of cheerleading and science and technology, she offers a really unique perspective. Check out the interview!

I was admittedly a little hesitate about this interview. There was some serious conflict between the tortured Arizona Cardinals football fan part of my brain and my passion for connecting science and society. But, when I found out that both Erica and I have a habit of sneaking out of our office to practice double pirouettes in the bathroom, I realized this was something that just had to be done. Enjoy!

Several items worth noting:

1. I did not know the Cowboys Cheerleaders would be at the South by Southwest Interactive conference.
2. Those are my lab goggles, and I did bring them to the conference.
3. That is not my cowboy hat.
4. I too am impressed by how natural and comfortable I look wearing a cowboy hat.
5. This video does not indicate in any way that I am less opposed to any modicum of success potentially achieved by the Dallas Cowboys football team.
6. The Arizona Cardinals will still win the Super Bowl in 2011. I guarantee it.
7. I am also guaranteeing that guarantee.

Gooooooooooooo SCIENCE!

This video was made for ScienceCheerleader.com. Arizona Cardinals fans, feel free to formally disown me in the comment section on either website.

2006 Cardinals vs. Bears post-game conference

2009 Cardinals vs. Bears post-game conference

It’s been 1o months since the Cardinal lost to the Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII, and today I finally looked at the pictures taken during our Super Bowl party. It may sound ridiculous, but I honestly feel so much residual pain from the experience that I couldn’t bring myself to revisit that day until now.

People that have followed an even mildly successful sports franchise will never understand what it is like to be a Cardinals fan. Since forever, they have been the laughing stock of not just the NFL but the entire sports world. Detroit Lions fans get it . Los Angeles Clippers fans get it. People who cheer for the Yankees or the Broncos simply do not understand what it is like to support a team that has zero chance of ever winning anything.  Cowboys fans, Steelers fans, Lakers fans are all given credit for being such amazing supporters, but really, cheering for a winner isn’t the best way to measure devotion.

Last year, Cardinals fans finally had a chance to feel like a winner. When Larry Fitzgerald scored the go-ahead touchdown in the Super Bowl, 20 years of pain was almost instantaneously dissolved, only to rematerialize 10-fold a few minutes later when Santonio Holmes scored the game-winning touchdown. While Steelers fans were ho-hum happy about their SIXTH Super Bowl, it was absolutely devastating to true Cardinals fans. Our only chance in 20 years, and possibly, our last chance for another 20.

It was a a day of extreme highs and lows that I had experienced only a few times in my life. Is that sad? Sort of. Sports are fundamentally about entertainment. But, when you commit yourself to supporting something–a person, a cause, or a sports team–your pride and happiness are also at stake, and it doesn’t matter how seemingly trivial that something might be. Thus, while I am admittedly embarrassed to still be unable to watch Super Bowl XLIII highlights, I am proud to have supported the Cardinals in their best and worst moments.

Anyway, this is a meaningless discussion since the Cardinals are guaranteed to win the Super Bowl in 2010.

For some reason, Google Alerts just now picked up the 2005 Arizona Republic article that featured Pejman as an “obsessed” Cardinals fan and me as perhaps the most incoherent person in the history of the world:

“I can remember five or six times a year, walking back to the car before the game was over, sunburned and totally dejected,” Ohab said. “What remains so vivid in my mind is walking through the trenches before the game was over – those fences they had around the field – leaving the game, an 11-year-old kid trying to look in, as we were leaving because they were down by 20 or 30 points.”

Um, what? Anyway, click here to read the full article.

It’s been six months, and I’m finally ready to start talking about Arizona Cardinals football again. I don’t feel entirely bad about stepping away; even this painter doesn’t want to approach the topic of whether Santonio Holmes actually had both feet on the ground when he caught the go-ahead touchdown pass in the Super Bowl.

When I arrived in Pittsburgh to watch the NFL draft with Dr. Brian/Josh, I noticed a glaring juxtaposition at the Pittsburgh International Airport. In the lobby, there stood a statue of George Washington, the father of our country and one hell of a model American. Next to him? A statue of Franco Harris as he appeared during the Immaculate Reception, perhaps the most famous play in football history besides every play made by the Arizona Cardinals.

Is this juxtaposition worthy of Bioephemera‘s long-running “Juxtaposition” series? How many more times can I say juxtaposition before people starting getting uncomfortable? These questions and more will be covered in the next edition of JuxtapositionFest 2009.

Predicted final record 16-0
(the over-time victory during their bye week does not technically count toward their win total)

(votes for Cardinals in Blue, Steelers in Red)

Check out this survey on ESPN’s SportsNation, which shows the nation completely divided on its Super Bowl predictions. Interestingly, the western half of the country predicts the Cardinals, while most of the eastern half picks the Steelers. Talk about critical analysis.

What does all of this mean? Nothing. Who even cares? The Cardinals are in the Super Bowl!

Feel free to adapt this template for your personal email correspondence.

Cardinals,

–Body of email– (which must include some mention of Cardinals, Super Bowl, and Cardinals to Super Bowl)

Cardinals,
Cardinals

P.S Cardinals

• The audio-visual coordination was so uneven that it often took 5 full seconds for a person’s actions to reflect the words or music they produced. At times, this was hilarious, but other times, for instance, during Obama’s speech, it was almost embarrassing.
• I stood in the same spot right next to the Smithsonian Museum in the middle of the Mall from approximately 6:30am to 1pm. That’s a personal record.
• I used a port-a-potty at about 6:15am for no reason other than so I could later say I used one of the of port-a-pottys. I actually feel sort of fulfilled.
• At one point, I was actually booed by about five Pittsburgh Steelers fans who saw my Arizona Cardinals beanie. I smiled.
• On the way home, I helped a man having a panic attack hurdle a large barrier so he could lay on the ground and gain his composure.
• My roommate showed up 2 hours after me and ended up just 20 yards behind me.
• I still haven’t searched for news articles that might explain why Dick Chaney was in a wheelchair because I prefer to make up my own reasons.
• Obama’s speech was amazing.
• I wore a Cardinals beanie and sweatshirt that both had a red, white and blue color scheme. Barack Obama’s campaign logo was also red, white, and blue. The American flag consists of three colors which just so happen to be red, white, and blue. Coincidence? I think not.

Here is my picture album. Enjoy looking at that pictures and imagining you were there with me.

Cardinals in Super Bowl + Obama in White House = best weekend ever

We were freezing.

I cannot adequately describe how amazing it has been to watch the Cardinals this season. For those who have never followed a perennially horrible franchise, it might be difficult to understand exactly why this has been such an emotional experience. Patriots fans are upset when their 11-5 team does not make the playoffs. Still, they have 3 Super Bowls in the last few years. The Cardinals have now won 3 playoff GAMES in my entire lifetime. They have two winnings seasons, and that includes this year. Arizona Cardinals fans have never experienced this. More thoughts to come…

Cards to Super Bowl!!

Just a recap of the ridiculous emails and messages I received during the game last night:

Chris C.: Since I don’t have my Bengals, my hearts is with the Cards. GO AZ!

Steve T.: Hey, I think Fitzgerald is open!

Lindsor: I wish I could watch, but I’m out seeing Marley and Me instead.

Devon: We are having a blast! Everybody is shouting “Let’s go Cardinals!”. Wish you were here!

Jen: Super Bowl tickets first in line du pee du!

Marty: A dream.

Pouya: Unreal.

The Pejman: John, can you believe this?! I love you and the Cardinals!

The Pejman: I just ran around ESPN Zone screaming, ‘Cardinals!’

The Pejman: In case you missed it, I predicted the Cardinals to Super Bowl in 2009! Move over Nostradamus!

The Pejman: This is really happening! Cardinals in the NFC Championship! Somebody get me gasoline; I’m lighting myself on fire!

The Pejman: I think I am dead.

MG: Congratulations!!

Richard: I am going to riot in Charlotte.

The NFC West Division Champion Arizona Cardinals went 9-7 during 2008, and not coincidentally, I also went 9-7 in my season predictions. Correct predictions are highlighted in red to create an obvious visual distinction between those predections that were correct (red) and those that were not (black). Some of my predictions were eerily similar to the actual scores, suggesting I may have a future in psychic reading or other fields requiring supreme clairvoyance. These predictions include but are not limited to:

• Week 1, I successfully picked the exact number of points, 23, scored by the Cardinals.
• Week 2, my final score prediction of 33-14 was eerily close to the actual final score, 31-10.
• Week 4, I chose a Cardinals blow-out victory while in reality the Cardinals suffered a blow-out loss.
• Week 6, I successfully predicted a Cardinals overtime victory over the Cowboys.
• Week 11, I successfully predicted the margin of victory over the Seahawks.
• Week 16, I predicted the Cardinals would score 21 points in a win over Seattle while in reality the Seahawks scored 21 points in losing.

At this point, I can no longer discuss my amazing predictions for fear that their macabre connections with reality may set in progress a series cataclysmic events which might ultimately bring about the end of the universe. Pretty cool, huh?

The Adventures of John Hobohab: Online Edition haven’t been quite as adventuresome as I originally hoped. For some reason, I haven’t been inspired to write Journal entries lately, even though there are a host of interesting topics to cover, including but not limited to: the disparity between how good I am at Super MarioKart and how bad I am at Mario Kart Wii; all of the nice people who have provided me with free lodging and entertainment during my two weeks of hoboness; my renewed obsession with the early 80s video game, Joust; the never-to-be-resolved discussion about who is more annoying: Dick Vitale or John Madden; MG and Debbie’s visit to DC; the EnvironMentors program; the strange and growing world of Twitter; the recent Suns trade for Jason Richardson; and the NFC West Division Champion Arizona Cardinals.

Five more days of hoboness…

The Cardinals are Good
By Pej3
December8, 2008

2008-2009 NFC West Division Champions – Arizona Cardinals. Wow. I can’t believe I am saying those words, and it actually happened! My usual prediction of “Cards 2 Super Bowl in xxxx” actually has a chance of coming true this year! Usually, my prediction is off by the 3rd week of the season. How did we get here? How are the Cardinals 8-5 at this point in the season? How are the Cardinals going to be HOSTING a playoff game? This is unreal. I still don’t believe it.

Before we can understand the magnitude of the situation, we need to take a look back at some Cardinals history. I will focus on the history of the Cardinals since I began to follow them in 1994, the beginning of “Buddy Ball.” From 1994-2007, the combined record of the Cardinals was 73-135. Of the 73 games they won, 6 of them were by more than 14 points. Pretty much every game they have won over the past 14 years was a nail biter, and it cut 3-4 years off of my life. They finished in last or 2nd to last, 11 of those 14 years. They have had a winning record 1 time, the year they beat the Cowboys in the playoffs. Truly, they are one of the worst franchises in sports history. But, at least you can’t accuse me of being a front-runner. The worst part of all of the losing was that every year, they would provide us hope only to be crushed by another 31-3 defeat. I would be so excited for the season to start because “this is the year they are going to turn it around.”

But, my patience and perseverance have paid off. The Cardinals have finally turned it around. By jove, they are GOOD! They aren’t winning games by luck; they are dominating them. Even the handful of games they have lost, they easily could, maybe even should have, won 3 of them. Now, let’s examine the current accomplishments of this season. Through the first 13 games of this miracle season, the Cardinals have won by more than 14 points 4 times, they may potentially have more blowouts this year than over the past 14 years combined! They have won their division for the first time since the mid-1970’s. They will be hosting a playoff game for the first time since 1947! Is this a joke? This year marks the first time the Cardinals started the season 2-0 since 1991! Kurt Warner is doing better this year than in his MVP season with the Rams! They are the 3rd highest scoring team in the NFL, and they are the 2nd highest passing team.

The Cardinals are the division champions. It still sounds awkward to me. We’ve come a long way from “Cruddy Ball” to “Eon of the Simeon” to Jake “The Snake” Plummer to Joke Misablocka. We finally have a legitimate team. We finally have a winner. 14
years in the making and all I gotta say is “I told you so.”

Is this the year that I finally light myself on fire after the Cardinals win the Super Bowl? Who knows…but whatever happens from now to the rest of the season, I do know that this has been the greatest year ever in Cardinals history.

The Arizona Cardinals Lanyard

After Thursday’s debacle against the Eagles, I’m starting to wonder if this Jack in the Box commercial is the only resource used by the Cardinals scout team.

The only redeeming aspect of the Arizona Cardinals’ embarrassing performance against the Philadelphia Eagles: the Philly cheeseteaks at Subways in Philadelphia taste much better than they do in Arizona.

2009 Arizona Cardinals: Best Team EVER

Let’s talk about things we’ve never seen before and start with the 7-3, NFC West division-leading Arizona Cardinals.

For the record, I was a Phoenix/Arizona Cardinals season ticket holder from 1988-1999 (by way of Oldhab) and then again from 2006-2007 while living in Los Angeles. I have seen exactly ONE playoff victory, ONE winning season, ZERO division titles, and ZERO home playoff games during 20 years of watching nearly every single Cardinals game. They have not been to the playoffs since 1998, have not won a division title since 1975 (as the St. Louis Cardinals) and have not hosted a playoff game since 1947 (as the Chicago Cardinals). There has been a lot more bad than good over the past 20 years.

I do have a few good memories, but, for the most part, plays like Steve Bono’s run in this video pretty much summarize my experience. And, yes, Oldhab and I did have the opportunity to watch this play in person at Sun Devil Stadium.

This year is different. The season is not over, and surely the Cardinals franchise is prone to unfortunate collapses–in 1988, the Cardinals were 7-4 and proceeded to loose 5 straight games after their franchise quarterback, Neil Lomax, was lost for the season–but so far they have overcome the curses of previous generations. They win the close games that they have traditionally lost; they have a smart coach who is not afraid to make bold decisions; and they don’t lose confidence even when they aren’t playing their best. This is a big deal. It may not seem like it to fans of the Patriots, who at 6-4, are considered a colossal disappointment, but this is literally the first time I have rooted for a quality Cardinals team.

Kurt Warner continues to dominate the league in every passing category; Larry Fitzgerald (from?) and Anquin Bolden are having career years; and the Cardinals defense plays well against the run and has forced the most turnovers in the league. If they can eliminate stupid penalties, they are going to be a difficult team to beat in a home playoff game.

This weekend, the Cardinals face their greatest test of the season when they play the Giants. I am confident they will win. They will be 8-3. They will rise on ESPN’s Power Rankings. I will be happy. Twenty years of pain and rejection will not go unrewarded.

Cardinal sin?

While waiting for the metro this afternoon, I noticed something very familiar embroidered on the front of this random youth’s jacket. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice–there are seemingly hundreds of universities and high schools with some variation of the Cardinal mascot. However, the Cardinal logo at Bishop Ireton High School, in particular, shared several distinct features with the Arizona Cardinals logo that we have all grown to know and love. Take, for instance, the fact that it apparently IS the logo for the Arizona Cardinals!

To confirm this suspicion, I embarked on a bit of detective work. On the left are Cardinal logos I pulled from the Sponsorship and In the News pages of Bishop Ireton High School, and on the right, is the Arizona Cardinals pre-2006 logo. They are literally the same thing. There wasn’t even the slightest attempt by Bishop Ireton to alter the original Cardinals logo.

This is all very strange. Does the Arizona Cardinals organization know about this apparent disregard for branding rights? Why are there “unnecessary” quotes around “Cardinals” on the Bishop Ireton poster? Why would they steal the logo of a chronically underachieving franchise? These questions and more will be answered in an upcoming Journal entry.

* Jeff Van Gundy Quote of the Day: “The Suns are +14 when Steve Nash is in the game, and they are -12 when he is out of the game”. Thanks Jeff. Now, please explain to me the nature of those two points that occur when Steve Nash is neither in the game nor out of it.

Evidently, the Washington Redskins organization didn’t get the 1993 memo about the Phoenix Cardinals changing their name to the Arizona Cardinals. Other memos not received by the Washington Redskins include: the fact that their team name is a blatant racial epithet that has been used to demean Native Americans since European colonization of America. Oh, by the way, before using this term to name a football team, we also stole the Native Americans’ land, introduced the wonders of small pox, and raped and murdered them for good measure. Go team!

Today, I fulfilled my longstanding commitment to the National Press Club and appeared as keynote speaker at their International Climate Change Consortium (ICCC). My lecture focused on the challenges facing researchers, as well the specific policy implications of global warming and climate change. As usual, I employed the Socratic Method during my lecture and of course wore my Official Cardinals Season Ticket Holder Lanyard. I even broke out Richard and my new favorite Cardinals’ pun, “He probably had a lot more than Breaston his mind during that punt return”, which was received with moderate applause and laughter.

If it weren’t for Carlos Ramirez and his well-demonstrated obsession with cropping my head and placing it on random torsos, my live journal would be relegated to merely a collection of Bun references. I thank you for that Carlos. I suppose, as it stands, my journal is still entirely made up of Carlos Ramirez crop-jobs and Bun references, but hey I’ll take that any day. I would also like to point out how Carlos opted to use my head with mustache and still managed to include my super cool Arizona Cardinals lanyard.

Also: ew.

Honor and glory and international superstar status come naturally with being a lifelong Cardinals fan, but it seems the most precious gift of all is given only to season ticket holders. As it turns out, that particular gift could only be obtained by attending the first pre-season game in the new stadium. The Arizona Cardinals lanyard/ticket-holder is that important, which is why Richard and I went to great lengths to secure one for ourselves. You can bet your bottom dollar we wouldn’t miss an opportunity to walk around all season wearing one of those beauties!

Also making a guest appearance: Marty and his Arizona Cardinals lanyard/ticket-holder.

Just a little reminder…

Number of games won by the Arizona Cardinals during the 2006-2007 regular season: 1
Number of games won by the Denver Broncos during the 2006-2007 regular season: 0

Given how painful it has been to be a Cardinals fan this season (see 3-11 record), it’s hard to believe that I’m still here in Week 16 watching the Cardinals play Seattle. So far, this game has pretty much followed suit. The Cardinals just gave up a touchdown on Seattle’s opening drive; they answered with three conservative running plays and punted; and, now Seattle has just scored again to make it 14-0 at the end of the first quarter. Lovely.

This game is particularly difficult to watch because the rest of California’s Cardinal fan population (Pejman, Richard, Steve, Jen, and Brian/Josh) are not here to wallow in agony alongside me. You see, this season, Pejman and I combined our funds to purchase Direct TV’s NFL Package, a decision made for the purpose of watching as much football as possible and to ensure our domination of fantasy football. While my reign over fantasy football competition will be well-documented Monday night (when I’m officially crowned victor), we haven’t had much luck watching Cardinals games. This is partly due to Pejman’s furious channel changing, which is considered by some to be the fastest and most unpredictable this side of Middle Earth, but also because of the consistently embarrassing performances by our team.

This is not to suggest that we haven’t had some great memories. Opening week started out well (Cardinals 0, Detroit 0). And, who could forget that series of first downs in Week 5 that sparked Pejman’s flurry of “Cardinals Touchdown Dance” moves? There were three victories, all decided on the last play of the game, which easily balanced the 11 losses that came at a combined 280 points. We all cried when the Cardinals got their first sack of the season. And, I still remember exactly where I was sitting when Josh McCown threw a pass backwards into the end zone to LJ Shelton. Just look at how much fun Pejman and I were having watching the Cardinals lose by 40 points to San Francisco. Well, it looks like this week’s Cardinals game is now over (Seattle 28, Cardinals 10), and with Minnesota next week, it’s all but a sure thing that the Cardinals will end up with a 3-13 record. I remain optimistic, however, because of their nucleus of young players and the unstoppable play of confident and sure-footed new quarterback Josh McCown (insert fart sound here).

Really, nothing sums up the Cardinals season better than this exchange between Pejman and I on Sunday morning:

John: Are you watching the Cardinals game?
Pejman: Yeah, I’ll give you a call afterwards if they win.
John: Ok, sounds good!
Pejman: Alright, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: Another in a long line of embarrassing remarks made by commentators during NBA games on ESPN. This one from Doug Collins. “It looks like the Suns are going to bring in Jake Voskhul. That’ll really help them on the offensive side of the ball.” Someone explain to me how a player whose career stats include such unimpressive numbers as 5.9 points, 4.6 rebounds, and 0.5 assists per game is going to increase offensive production.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Rufio! Rufio! Rufio!”

On Friday, I had the opportunity to take a weekend trip back to Tempe to visit the fam. Notable events include buying a couch with MG, a deep tissue massage which I’m still not fully recovered from yet, spending Saturday night with Brandon, and talking to Lindsor about her experience in France (more on this in a subsequent journal).

A major highlight of the weekend was the Cardinals v. Packers game. One of my biggest frustrations with living in Los Angeles is not being able to spend those eight Sunday’s each Fall at Sun Devil Stadium with my dad (other frustrations include but are not limited to: rush hour traffic, the enormous homeless population, inflated prices, and Lakers fans). Therefore, it was essential to risk our lives in the 106 degree heat to see the game together.

We showed up right at kick-off, probably the first time in 15 years that we haven’t arrived at least 30 minutes before the game, and made our way to our seats in the upper deck of the north endzone. Since my dad stopped buying season tickets last year, we weren’t able to get our usual prime seats in the shade, so evidently Marty thought the next best thing would be to get seats facing DIRECTLY into the sun. Lovely. Even better is that we ended up right in the middle of Green Bay’s cheering section, which, coincidentally, was 75% of the crowd. So, in addition to our profuse sweating and borderline heat-stroke, we had to deal with nutty Packers fans cheering “Go, Pack, Go!” with their silly mullets hanging out beneath their even sillier Cheeseheads.

Ok, Packers’ fans, what is the deal with the mullet? This is one phenomenon that I just don’t understand from a fundamental level. It is a perfect example, along with other time-honored American traditions such as the “fanny pack”, flip shades, country music, the Ricki Lake show, and 50 year-old men who wear loafers, of things that need to be eliminated from existence as soon as possible. Collectively, I must have seen more mullets on Sunday than I’ve seen in my entire life. The couple in front of us had clearly arrived on their “rig” moments before the game as evidenced their impressive body odor and dedication to wearing denim in 106 degree heat. I’m not sure what weather report they read Saturday night, but it seemed incredibly obvious to me that wearing a denim dress and boots would not be the wisest choice. And, believe me, I certainly would have been the first to wear mine if the weather was right.

Ultimately, the mullets and cheeseheads weren’t nearly as annoying as they could have been because the Cardinals pulled off an upset victory when Dexter Jackson intercepted Brett Fav-re’s pass in the endzone. It capped off an enjoyable and relaxing weekend in Phoenix and motivated me to be super productive in lab this week (note: the fact that I am writing this journal in the lab does not reflect a lack of production…hopefully).

Alright, more 3X5′s are calling…

* Marty O. Quote of the Day: “Well, you know how I love to drink beer and sweat.”

* Marty O. Quote of the Day: “Gotta have my Bud Light!”

* Brian/Josh Quote of the Day: “In the immortal words of Buddy Ryan: How ‘bout them Cards?”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Where you goin’ roundboy? We’re gonna have some laughs!”

I’m delighted to say that tonight I will providing very little original material. Instead, I’ve plagiarized Pejman’s most recent entry in his “Pej 3″ column on Qball.org.

Cards to the Super Bowl in Cards 2004!!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again. My Arizona Cardinals 2003-2004 preview! Now, I understand some of you may have lost faith in my ability to predict the Cardinals fortunes since I have been absolutely wrong every single year for the last decade or so. Sure, I’ve predicted the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl every year, yet they have had only one winning season (see: Greatest Day of My Life: Cardinals beating Cowboys in the playoffs). However, this year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones.

First off, the Cardinals got rid of the worst football player in NFL history, Jake “The Joke” Plummer. This guy was a walking tragedy. I’m not quite sure at what point in his career he forgot what team he plays for, but he really needs to work on throwing to players on his team. How many times did he have someone WIDE OPEN and under throw them by 5 yards? Or overthrow them by 5 yards? If I ever have to hear, “Cardinals have a man WIDE OPEN with nobody around in the end zone…Plummer throws….this could be the turning point in the game….this could be the turning point in the season….and Plummer overthrows his man by 15 yards,” I’m going to punch Greg in the face. And what the hell is this crap about Plummer being athletic? He is a skinny kid who probably can’t bench 100 pounds. He is slower than some 400 pound offensive linemen. He has the arm of a 3rd grade school girl. How is he athletic? I hate that guy. Here is a quote from a pre-season game the Broncos had this year:

“…but that didn’t stop him from being booed in his first home game with the Broncos. Plummer fumbled his first snap, threw a pass that Colts linebacker Gary Brackett should have intercepted, and missed a wide-open Ed McCaffrey on what would have been an 18-yard touchdown. And that was just on the first drive. He dropped another snap in the second quarter, then was booed after Anthony Floyd intercepted his overthrown pass on Denver’s first drive of the third period.”

That brings back some fond memories. Good thinking Broncos. Anyway, the point I am trying to get it is that I hate Jake Plummer and the Cardinals are infinitely times better without his goofy ass.

The second reason I feel this is the year for the Cardinals is because they replaced Joel Mackovica aka Joke Mis-a-blocka with a pro bowl fullback, James Hodgins. For those of you not familiar with the role of the fullback, there main job is to block for the running back. Thus, it is not good to have a fullback with the nickname “Mis-a-blocka.” Mackovica was the second worst football player I have ever seen. The Cardinals ran one play for him, the “Give-the-ball-to-Mackovica-for-minus-1” play followed immediately by “Mackovica-fumbles-the-ball-and-it-is-returned-for-a-touchdown” play. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the play worked every time the coaches called it, but I don’t think it had the desired effect they intended. Mackovica couldn’t block a damn thing. How many times did he run the opposite way and the Cardinals running backs would get absolutely crushed by the man he was supposed to be blocking? And he would just keep running. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING JOEL!?!?!? Couldn’t he figure out he made a mistake when there is NOBODY to block because they are all gang tackling the running back? I hate that guy.

The third reason the Cardinals will dominate the NFC West is because they don’t have Frank Sanders, WIDE receiver. I emphasize “wide” because Frank was always WIDE open. The reason? HE COULDN’T CATCH ANYTHING! It was actually a brilliant strategy by the other team. Cover everyone else. Leave Frank wide open. He drops the ball. Brilliant. If by a Gift from God, he managed to hold on to the football, he would begin running towards the end zone, as any football player should. However, 99 percent of the time, he would trip on his own feet or just fall for absolutely no reason. This man is paid millions of dollars to simply catch an oblong object and run. Simple. He couldn’t do either. I hate that guy.

As you can see, the Cardinals have done addition by subtraction at key positions. They’ve also added some very good players. Dexter “Dominated-Jen’s-Team-in-the-Super-Bowl-because-Rich-Gannon-sucks”Jackson, who was the Super Bowl MVP fills in at free safety where he and Adrian Wilson will form an awesome safety tandem. Wendell Bryant, the first round pick from a year ago, looks like he’s got his weight under 500 pounds this year. According to my scout, Richard Somers, he has looked very good this preseason. Calvin Pace, the rookie defensive end they drafted this year, looked quite dominating in the preseason as well. There defense figures to be better than last year. On a side note, why does the best player on the team have to be hurt every year in preseason? This happens to no other team. Cardinals lost their best defensive end, Vanden Bosch, and their best cornerback, Starks, for the year. Why can’t we have ONE preseason where the 8th string fullback gets hurt? Luckily for the Cardinals, they have a very deep team. There offense also got better with the aforementioned subtractions as well as the addition of former Captain of Pejman’s “I hate that guy” team, Emmitt Smith. There offensive line seems to be healthy for the first time in years. How could they lose?

The Cardinals play the easiest schedule in the NFL this year. They had their first UNDEFEATED preseason since 1995. Of course, they finished 4-12 that year, but this year will be different. Things are looking very good people. They are going to dominate the league and, dare I say it, WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!! In the words of the immortal Jason Byrne, “I guarantee my guarantee…I guarantee it.”

Also, here is my fantasy football team for those of you who were dying to know (nobody). As you may have guessed, it is the greatest and best fantasy team ever drafted.

QB Manning, Peyton (QB-Ind)
WR Holt, Torry (WR-StL)
WR Johnson, Kevin (WR-Cle)
WR Brown, Tim (WR-Oak)
RB Holmes, Priest (RB-KC)
RB Smith, Emmitt (RB-Ari)
TE Pollard, Marcus (TE-Ind)
Bench Smith, Steve (WR-Car)
Bench Williams, Moe (RB-Min)
Bench Kennison, Eddie (WR-KC)
Bench Patten, David (WR-NE)
Bench Johnson, Doug (QB-Atl)
Bench Brady, Kyle (TE-Jac)

K Akers, David (K-Phi)

D Wilson, Adrian (DB-Ari)
DL Urlacher, Brian (DL-Chi)
DL Brooking, Keith (DL-Atl)
DB Knight, Sammy (DB-Mia)
DB Green, Mike (DB-Chi)

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: Jen going to Jack in the Box to get a cup of ice water and then ordering orange juice because she felt guilty about ordering only a cup of ice water.

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Help me help you! Help me help you!”

This Sunday marks Week 1 of the Arizona Cardinals 2003-2004 Championship Season. I wanted to put out an open invitation to anyone who just so happens to be in the southern California area on Sunday at 10am. You are more than welcome to stop by and watch the game with Pejman and I (and Joy, but that’s really by default since she lives here). We look forward to having you!

Of course, I can’t promise the game will be watchable. We’re all aware of the Cardinals’ pattern of getting demolished on opening week versus the most ridiculous teams. Was there anything worse than the Cardinals losing to Miami that one year because of the famed “Joel Mackovicka Up the Middle for Minus 2 Yards and a Fumble” play? Perhaps it was last year when they lost to Steve Spurrier and his collection of nincompoop Redskins quarterbacks? And, how embarrassing is it that the most satisfying opening week in recent years was when the Cardinals had a bye week to start the season? Just pitiful. Also, we won’t be having Marty’s famous pancakes and melon ready to eat at kick-off. I suppose I can try to whip something up, but there is no chance. We have pictures, videotapes, recipes, and nothing works. There is no way to replicate his pancakes. Brandon won’t be here to watch the first quarter and then spend the rest of the afternoon reading the business section and the Fry’s Electronics ads. Richard won’t be able to run around Pejman’s dining room table or do that silly circular running motion on the ground (a la Homer Simpson). And Stinker Dog won’t be able to run around the yard barking indiscriminately for four hours.

Ok, so perhaps this won’t be the most traditional opening week for us true Cardinals fans. What I can promise you is: – Pejman will suggest the Cardinals run the “The Bring the House Play”.

- The Cardinals will be trailing by a significant amount in the second half, and Pejman will lay out his comeback strategy: “Get the ball back, Cardinals, touchdown, interception, touchdown, get the ball back, score, interception, kickoff, score, interception, get the ball back, touchdown, Cardinals, win!”.

- At some point, Richard will say, “I could have caught that.”

- Someone will bring up “Eon of the Simeon”.

- We will do the “Du du du du duh, Mark Smith!” chant on several occasions.

- Steve will show up halfway through the first quarter in his athletic shorts and sandals looking completely exhausted.

- “Tobin for President!”

- Pejman will suggest playing “Phat Bernard and the Funky Bunch”

- I will say “Cyyyyyome oooonnnnnn Daaallllyyyyyy!” or “Baytogooooooo mmmm Daaaallllyyyyy!”.

- Several important Cardinals players will be lost to injuries

- FOX will assign the worst two sports announcers to work the Cardinals game

- We will predict “Cards to the Super Bowl in Cards 2004″

- Brian/Josh will be offended when one of us mentions the “Cactus Curtain”

- Someone will ask where Joe Nedney the Knockneed Neutered Numbskull is.

- We will do the Kent Graham clap after an incomplete pass

As always, there are many more items that I could add to this list, but I should be getting back to work now.

* Ridiculous Item of the Day: Jen referring to my digital camera as my “digies”

* Alyson A Quote of the Day: “I’ve never really seen you in that state.”

* Movie Quote of the Day: “Do bundle up. It’s awfully cold outside.”