5:20: Renee Zellweger. Hi, thanks for coming. You look like you are wearing a giant role of toilet paper.
5:30: The video montage with Billy Crystal spliced into various films from 2003 was actually pretty hilarious. One question: how many times did we have to see Billy Crystal’s bare breasts and buttocks? Seriously, zero times is enough. I was upset to hear that Steve Martin wouldn’t be returning but Mr. Crystal seems to be pretty enthusiastic during his song and dance routine. It’s interesting how the production of the Academy Awards has changed in recent years. After MTV started doing all of those parodies of movies and songs, it’s clear that the more conservative Oscar group realized how much that stuff sells. There must have been, what, 10 Janet Jackson boob jokes throughout the show?
Johnny Depp looks exactly the same as he did in A Nightmare on Elm Street in 1984. Clint Eastwood looks like he’s about to keel over and die from extreme blood loss.
5:50: Well, the Academy Awards Pick’Em page has officially been taken down. Here we go with the best supporting actor: Tim Robbins! Now, I can begin opening the database of selections and “not” change my answers.
6:05: In retrospect, my decision to not vote for The Lord of the Rings for art direction may have been a unwise one. This is due, in part, to the fact that LOTR just won the award and my selection, The Last Samurai, did not. Peter Jackson is a great director and a brilliant man, but really, this does not excuse the outfit and the hair. We all know the deal: he is super laid back and not concerned about his appearance. But, come on…you can only be THAT unkempt when you make a concerted effort.
Pejman: “Look at Peter Jackson. His shirt is tearing.”6:15: Did anyone ever notice that the ring of Sauran is around his gauntlet? What a show off.
6:25: Michael Douglas is starting to wrap up his Golden Globe award acceptance speech. We’ll keep you updated on any developments as we hear them.
7:45: We’ve reached a critical junction in the Academy Awards pick’em: Best Documentary Feature. This has traditionally been the category where the winners and losers are defined. This is a peculiar phenomenon, given that there are still like 12 awards left. But who am I to argue with karma. Well, it looks like The Fog of War takes the Oscar! This is really going to shake up the standings. It is clear that Jen and Javan are aware of the importance of this category (see Best Documentary victory cheers).
8:00: Lord of the Rings: Return of the King wins Best Original score, which I find to be a little strange considering this score is exactly the same as it was for the previous two Lord of the Rings movies. I guess the term “original” is used very loosely here. Personally, I was rooting for Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, a sort of diamond in the rough that really broke new ground in…I’m sorry, I can’t even attempt to go on with this joke… “Leppy in the Hood 2″ is just another straight-to-video lamefest with filled with random violence. To his credit, Leppy himself (played heroically by Warwick Davis) does bust a few rhymes in between killing a number of innocent urban youths.
8:45: Well, it’s pretty clear that Lord of the Rings is going to win every award. I didn’t even see Mystic River, yet I found it incredibly necessary to pick it for best adapted screenplay over LOTR. Why?
Tim: “I almost stepped on Elijah Wood at the movie theaters the other day.”
John: “Tobey Maguire looks like a 9-year old with a beard.”
9:05: Clint Eastwood is looking more and more like the perfect candidate to snag the highly-touted role of Skeletor in the next He-man movie.
9:30: It’s over. The votes have been tallied, and in an unfortunate turn of events, the winner is not me (see agonizing defeat pose)
* Acceptance Speach of the Day: “I know I don’t have a lot of time, but I would just like to thank the people of New Zealand.”
* Javan Quote of the Day: “That guy looks like he’s preparing for his own funeral.”
* Just One of Those Things That Doesn’t Make Sense of the Day: Why does Roger refer to himself as “Boeja”, yet type “Boge Boge HEY” in the Roger Mears Theme Song?
* Movie Quote of the Day: “Because I choose to.”