I’m delighted to say that tonight I will providing very little original material. Instead, I’ve plagiarized Pejman’s most recent entry in his “Pej 3″ column on Qball.org.
Cards to the Super Bowl in Cards 2004!!!!!
Ladies and Gentlemen, it’s that time of the year again. My Arizona Cardinals 2003-2004 preview! Now, I understand some of you may have lost faith in my ability to predict the Cardinals fortunes since I have been absolutely wrong every single year for the last decade or so. Sure, I’ve predicted the Cardinals to win the Super Bowl every year, yet they have had only one winning season (see: Greatest Day of My Life: Cardinals beating Cowboys in the playoffs). However, this year is going to be different. I can feel it in my bones.First off, the Cardinals got rid of the worst football player in NFL history, Jake “The Joke” Plummer. This guy was a walking tragedy. I’m not quite sure at what point in his career he forgot what team he plays for, but he really needs to work on throwing to players on his team. How many times did he have someone WIDE OPEN and under throw them by 5 yards? Or overthrow them by 5 yards? If I ever have to hear, “Cardinals have a man WIDE OPEN with nobody around in the end zone…Plummer throws….this could be the turning point in the game….this could be the turning point in the season….and Plummer overthrows his man by 15 yards,” I’m going to punch Greg in the face. And what the hell is this crap about Plummer being athletic? He is a skinny kid who probably can’t bench 100 pounds. He is slower than some 400 pound offensive linemen. He has the arm of a 3rd grade school girl. How is he athletic? I hate that guy. Here is a quote from a pre-season game the Broncos had this year:
“…but that didn’t stop him from being booed in his first home game with the Broncos. Plummer fumbled his first snap, threw a pass that Colts linebacker Gary Brackett should have intercepted, and missed a wide-open Ed McCaffrey on what would have been an 18-yard touchdown. And that was just on the first drive. He dropped another snap in the second quarter, then was booed after Anthony Floyd intercepted his overthrown pass on Denver’s first drive of the third period.”
That brings back some fond memories. Good thinking Broncos. Anyway, the point I am trying to get it is that I hate Jake Plummer and the Cardinals are infinitely times better without his goofy ass.
The second reason I feel this is the year for the Cardinals is because they replaced Joel Mackovica aka Joke Mis-a-blocka with a pro bowl fullback, James Hodgins. For those of you not familiar with the role of the fullback, there main job is to block for the running back. Thus, it is not good to have a fullback with the nickname “Mis-a-blocka.” Mackovica was the second worst football player I have ever seen. The Cardinals ran one play for him, the “Give-the-ball-to-Mackovica-for-minus-1” play followed immediately by “Mackovica-fumbles-the-ball-and-it-is-returned-for-a-touchdown” play. I mean, don’t get me wrong, the play worked every time the coaches called it, but I don’t think it had the desired effect they intended. Mackovica couldn’t block a damn thing. How many times did he run the opposite way and the Cardinals running backs would get absolutely crushed by the man he was supposed to be blocking? And he would just keep running. WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU GOING JOEL!?!?!? Couldn’t he figure out he made a mistake when there is NOBODY to block because they are all gang tackling the running back? I hate that guy.
The third reason the Cardinals will dominate the NFC West is because they don’t have Frank Sanders, WIDE receiver. I emphasize “wide” because Frank was always WIDE open. The reason? HE COULDN’T CATCH ANYTHING! It was actually a brilliant strategy by the other team. Cover everyone else. Leave Frank wide open. He drops the ball. Brilliant. If by a Gift from God, he managed to hold on to the football, he would begin running towards the end zone, as any football player should. However, 99 percent of the time, he would trip on his own feet or just fall for absolutely no reason. This man is paid millions of dollars to simply catch an oblong object and run. Simple. He couldn’t do either. I hate that guy.
As you can see, the Cardinals have done addition by subtraction at key positions. They’ve also added some very good players. Dexter “Dominated-Jen’s-Team-in-the-Super-Bowl-because-Rich-Gannon-sucks”Jackson, who was the Super Bowl MVP fills in at free safety where he and Adrian Wilson will form an awesome safety tandem. Wendell Bryant, the first round pick from a year ago, looks like he’s got his weight under 500 pounds this year. According to my scout, Richard Somers, he has looked very good this preseason. Calvin Pace, the rookie defensive end they drafted this year, looked quite dominating in the preseason as well. There defense figures to be better than last year. On a side note, why does the best player on the team have to be hurt every year in preseason? This happens to no other team. Cardinals lost their best defensive end, Vanden Bosch, and their best cornerback, Starks, for the year. Why can’t we have ONE preseason where the 8th string fullback gets hurt? Luckily for the Cardinals, they have a very deep team. There offense also got better with the aforementioned subtractions as well as the addition of former Captain of Pejman’s “I hate that guy” team, Emmitt Smith. There offensive line seems to be healthy for the first time in years. How could they lose?
The Cardinals play the easiest schedule in the NFL this year. They had their first UNDEFEATED preseason since 1995. Of course, they finished 4-12 that year, but this year will be different. Things are looking very good people. They are going to dominate the league and, dare I say it, WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!! In the words of the immortal Jason Byrne, “I guarantee my guarantee…I guarantee it.”
Also, here is my fantasy football team for those of you who were dying to know (nobody). As you may have guessed, it is the greatest and best fantasy team ever drafted.
QB Manning, Peyton (QB-Ind)
WR Holt, Torry (WR-StL)
WR Johnson, Kevin (WR-Cle)
WR Brown, Tim (WR-Oak)
RB Holmes, Priest (RB-KC)
RB Smith, Emmitt (RB-Ari)
TE Pollard, Marcus (TE-Ind)
Bench Smith, Steve (WR-Car)
Bench Williams, Moe (RB-Min)
Bench Kennison, Eddie (WR-KC)
Bench Patten, David (WR-NE)
Bench Johnson, Doug (QB-Atl)
Bench Brady, Kyle (TE-Jac)K Akers, David (K-Phi)
D Wilson, Adrian (DB-Ari)
DL Urlacher, Brian (DL-Chi)
DL Brooking, Keith (DL-Atl)
DB Knight, Sammy (DB-Mia)
DB Green, Mike (DB-Chi)
* Ridiculous Item of the Day: Jen going to Jack in the Box to get a cup of ice water and then ordering orange juice because she felt guilty about ordering only a cup of ice water.
* Movie Quote of the Day: “Help me help you! Help me help you!”
September 3, 2003
Arizona Cardinals, friends and family, guest writers